Most people, when they have children, have memories of when their child was born that slowly fade. They are reminded of them when they look back at baby pictures. But their memories are not limited to their child's first days on earth. They get to watch them grow up. So along with the first memories they have a thousand more. On top of that they also see their child in the present. So if they do have another child the parents usually look back on old pictures to see if their children look alike in their infancy.
I have a different view. My only memories of my first son are when he was an infant. I have no other memories to distract my first ones. When I think of Joshua I see him as a little baby.
So the last few weeks I have been very curious what Samuel will look like. Will he look like Joshua? If he does, I will be able to see it right away. What if he looks completely different? I am nervously curious to find out.
I wonder what it will be like bringing Samuel home?
Now this question is more complicated. My paradigm ("a typical example or pattern of something: a model") of what it is like to have a baby is MUCH different then most people. Most people know that after you push out the baby you get to hold it and cuddle it. Then you feed and wash it. Then you take it home...of at least I assume that is what happens. I don't know because what happens when I have a baby is much different. When I have a baby the baby is set on my tummy for a second then whisked out of the room. I don't see the baby for a few hours and when I do he is hooked up to a dozen machines. I don't actually hold the baby til the third day when we take him off the machines. Then after holding him, I awkwardly put him back down and walk out of the room. What happens to him after that I can only assume. Then we leave the hospital. We go home empty handed.
Those are all the "physical" things that happen. The "emotion" things are much more intense. I sure in hell know the emotions of loosing a baby; but I have NO clue what so ever what it is like emotionally to keep one. What will that be like? I have heard so many people's personal stories of what it was like when they brought their babies home; but I can not help think that despite some of their similarities that my experience will be somewhat different. Or maybe not. I am about to find out I guess.
Pregnancy is kind of like deja vu; cause I know most of these feelings. And labor will probably have a similar aftertaste but what I am most interested in is what is will be like to have...to keep a baby. Is my house ready? Am I missing anything? These are questions that I never had a chance to figure out last time. So in part this is kind of my first child because he will be the one who I experience all my "firsts" with. First bath, first tooth, first allnighter...
I wonder...
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