I am scared that I will wake up one morning to a dead baby. Morbid, I know. But it is true. I am scared that I will let someone watch him and come home to a tragedy. I have a million thoughts that I have to push out of my head everyday. Some moments it is much easier to push them away...other times I feel like I am choking on them.
The other day Samuel had his first big spit up. It scared me. That night as I laid him in his crib I struggled internally with the fear of him choking on his spit up while he slept. I lay in bed praying that God would calm me fears. Matt got into bed and asked what was wrong, (he always knows) I told him. He asked what I planned on doing about it. And I told him that I had been praying about it for the last 15 minutes. He laughed. "That is all that you can do."
It is hard to accept that praying is "all I can do." It seems like a cop out. I feel like I should be doing more.
The next day at bible study the topic of family came up. I am not the one in charge of my family, I am only the manager. If I try to take on the responsibility of God over my family then I forfeit the impact that I am designed to have. I am not god, nor will I ever have what he has. But if I try to take over that role then I am unable to influence my family in the manner that God has intended. But what are the roles of a manager? And what are a managers limitations. The limitations are more what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind so that I don't surrender.
I don't know God, I am trying. Please help me know...and trust.
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