Learning to Walk

I want a promise.

Haven't you ever wanted one? When you told your first major secret to a friend? When you needed someone who would be there for you? When you stood at the alter looking into the eyes of the one you loved? When your first born was sick and there was nothing you could do?

I want one now. But not just one. I want a million. I want a promise that my little sisters will love themselves and love Jesus. I want to know that I will see Joshua in Heaven. I want to know that there is a Heaven. I want to know that Matthew will always love me. I want to know that God will provide for us even when there is no money. I want to know that there is always good in people. I want to know that I have a purpose. I want to know that I will make it through my failures. I want to know that Samuel will be ok. I want to know that he will love and follow Jesus.

I want a promise.

But in my mind I think that if I was given promises for all the things I worry about and fear, then life would be great. I would not have worries if I had promises.

But there is a problem with this logic... you need to trust in order to believe in a promise.

(sigh) Trust. Yuck. I am NOT a fan of this word. Seriously, do I have to? Trust means I have to work. I don't want to work. I want it to be easy. I want it to be simple. If I was still 5 years old then this would have been easy. Trust was effortless when I was 5. In fact, I did not know life without it. But then I grew up. I saw all the hurt and destruction that people can do to each other (to the people that they say they love.) And "trust" was no longer an reaction; skepticism, fear, and distrust became common.

Now, in order for me to trust someone/something/ or even God I have to see proof first. Prove to me that you are worthy of my trust; then maybe I will trust you. Prove to me that you are not using me; then maybe I will trust you. Sucks to be the person who makes a mistake, cause that is all it takes to loose my trust. And good luck trying to get it back after that. I think "snowball chance in Hell" is a fitting phrase for the work it would take to regain my trust.

So, how do I trust a promise will come true? How do I trust the person making the promise? I guess there is only one person who I am looking to make me promises. (Matt is my husband but he can't promise 99% of what I am asking for).

I guess that the real issue is not trusting the promise will come true but trusting the person who is making the promise. Or even just trusting the person who has already made the promises. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. "(Proverbs 3:5-6) "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " (Jeremiah 29:11)

Endless verses about the goodness of God and the goodness of the plans that he lays for us. My question is...

God, I remember those dark places. I remember wondering how, if you loved me, I could be experiencing these things. God, how can I trust you when I have been hurt?

God, how can I trust you when I have been so hurt?

How can I trust that life will be good in the future? How can I trust that those I love will not experience that hurt too? How can I trust that you will prosper and not harm me? How can I trust that your plans are good? Is there even a way? I mean, other then trusting blindly.

Oh NO! That is it huh...are you asking me to blindly trust you? Please say no. I don't know if I can do that. I was never good at playing "follow the leader" as a kid (unless I was the leader). I don't know how to be a good follower.

Ok, if I don't have to follow you blindly...then how should I follow? (Must I follow? I am a pretty good leader. ) Ok, fine. I will follow. (here is where I imagine the little kid in me have my fingers crossed behind my back)

Damn. So following, which means I have to trust that the person I am behind will not walk off a cliff anytime soon. And there it is. I just walked off a cliff. Sigh. Now what? You STILL want me to follow. Really? A cliff God. A CLIFF! Did you not see it? I definitely did not. But you said to follow and I followed. Now what? What if you are in the mood for another cliff. I am trying to trust you, follow you and believe your promises. You are making this difficult.

Easy. Nope. Trust is not easy. Learning to walk was not easy either. But one cool thing about learning to walk was you only had to take one step at a time.

Hmmm.... one step at a time. Now maybe that is something I can do. I can trust God today. Would that count as a step? Would half a day count? Cause this week was filled with half-day-trusting. I think so. Babies who are learning to walk will eventually take three steps in a row. Then 5, then 15....and then maybe trip and have to start over. But eventually a trip or fall does not mean that we are starting from the beginning with our trust; more like picking up where we left off.

Maybe tonight...I will take a step: to believe a promise, to follow and not lead, to trust.

Overcoming Worry

Worried. I have not made my first doctors apt yet. The “excuse” that I give everyone is that not going makes the time go by faster. But the truth is that I am scared. I am scared they will tell me that something is wrong with the baby: that the baby is not growing or is too small. I know that this fear is distracting. It is hard to get over. I called Friday to make an appointment and I got butterflies when I got the phone number. I had them throughout the call until the answering machine reminded me that the clinic is closed on Fridays. I don’t want to be afraid. I know God’s plans are good but they are often hard for me to understand. And there were definitely moments over the last two years that the lack of understanding cracked my heart. I want to fall in love again…but I am afraid.

So many people ask me how I am doing and how the baby is...and I don’t want to answer them. I kind of want no one to acknowledge that there is a baby growing because their recognition makes the baby real…it also makes the possibility of heartbreak real. Matt would laugh at me if he heard those thoughts. Not because he is rude but because of my belief that the non-attention would make me be less hurt. He is right. Even in my thoughts he is right. (That can be a bit annoying.) I will be hurt if something negative happens to the baby no matter what. I am already in too deep.

I know that God is good and that He loves me. I also know that I have survived a broken heart once before and if that is in my future I can do it again. Honestly, it would be worth it to me to fall head over heels in love again; even if it meant I would loose. All those precious (yet sometimes annoying) moments that I felt my little man was kicking. The moment I found out it was a boy: such a beautiful paradigm shift in my heart and mind. When I held his precious body in my arms. The pride. Yes, even if the outcome is the same…or worse… I will accept it willingly just for those moments that knocked me off my feet and made me understand unconditional love.

God, you know my heart. It is a mothers’. You have heard them before. You heard Mary’s heart cry out to you for her son. And the billions of mothers after, each pleading for your grace, hope, and favor. We all desire the same thing… the best for our children. And that is what I ask now. I ask even though it may mean sacrificing. If it is the best… if it is your best. I will say yes. Please calm my fears. Fill me with peace. I need your peace. Bless my baby. You know what I want but you want even more for him/her then I could ever imagine, teach me to be comforted in that. All I have is yours.

I put my....trust

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

reminders
like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen


note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.