Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Joshua's Bills

Joshua's bills are finally paid off. It is an exhilarating feeling to no longer have that burden on us. It has been stressful and caused us to get behind on some stuff that we needed to get out of the way. But God has been so faithful to us. We have seen the perfect in people. Their willingness to love us and share our burden has lifted it. The verse that says two is better then one and three can not be broken is true. Praise God.

Random feelings that passed over me when I knew we were done with Joshua's bills. Relief. Joy. Thankfulness. Hope. and a little sadness. I was surprised by the sadness. I did not expect that to be a part of the mixed emotions. It came because I was thinking about how long I have thought about this debt and how it has been a part of my life for the last year. It has been one of the ways that I thought about Joshua. One of the ways that I held onto him. It is gone now and for a second I got sad. I won't have to think on it anymore. ... I don't want to forget my son. This is just one more adjustment that I have to make. One more shift of thought and feeling. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this change...but as usual I am.

Dear God,
Thank you for taking care of us. Thank you for reminding me through Andrew that this is not something that I have earned or deserve. Help me remember that this is a time for you to fit the hole in the bottom of my cup. Help me trust that even though that means I have to be completely poured out that you will make me whole and useful again. You will fill me up and make me clean. Help me in my weakness. Help me love more. I trust you and I am so thankful for you. And I know this is is temporal but will you help me have the discipline to loose the weight I have not gotten off yet. It is so discouraging to my heart. It is a reminder that I am not who I was. Reminds me of what I am missing. Sigh. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me. Amen