Tuesday, April 13, 2010


I was wondering about the divorce rates of couples who loose a child, so I "googled" it. The stats ranged from 16%-90% of couples divorced after loosing a child. One person commented that the reasons for the divorce were less about the child lost but stated that it was the inherent issues in the relationship prior to the loss that was the real cause of the divorce and those who did divorce after a loss were bound to do it anyway.

I get divorce after child loss. I understand how it could happen. You have two completely different people who have just had their hope, faith, and heart shattered into a million different pieces and they deal with it completely different. One needs to talk it out, expresses emotions and feelings. The other avoids the topic. One cries and wonders what would have been, falls asleep weeping. The other tries to only think on the good. Each is in their own way coping with the tragedy the only way they know how. Sometimes trying to make it through the day means stepping away from the negative and filling life with stuff, distractions. Sometimes even if a person wants to ignore and avoid the reality it is impossible. And then in the midst of this very painful and personal struggle you are reminded that you are not alone in your pain. I am sure it is very unlikely that two people who are in a relationship will handle the brokenness in the same manner. So impossibly, you are now not only responsible for trying to make it out of bed and through the day hoping you will heal; you also have to be there for another person who maybe trying to heal the exact opposite way then you. Seems so unfair.

Yes we all enter marriage banged up and selfish. There are childhood problems, parental problems, pre-relationship problems, rejection problems, failure problems, past relationship problems, and a whole slough of other problems. Saying that anyone goes into a marriage whole and healed would be a pathetic lie. We all carry scars the level of healing that they are at may vary slightly but they are still visible. There is not neosporin for the scars on our soul. Those are permanent. So blaming a divorce on past problems is silly... of course it is because of past issues. But it is also because we as humans don't know how to comfort each other. And because we are humans more often then not we are repelled by the thought of comforting another because that requires selflessness and empathy. Which means that your heart will break for anothers'. Who wants to choose that. OR the other reason that we don't comfort another is because we are going through such a broken place that we think we will be no help; that our offering is so small that it can not possibly do anything. LIES. Really? Really? would not you want someone to hug you if your mother died. Or would you prefer everyone just ignore it. Pretend that nothing is different; when you know damn well that the earth has literally shifted on its axis...at least your world has.

Where is God in all of this brokenness? Well there are definitely days I want to say that he is lounging in the clouds somewhere watching a really good sports game. Or maybe he is creating the most perfect sunset. It most certainly does not feel like he is here with me; when I am crying myself to sleep, feeling broken and alone, rejected by my husband who does not see I need his arms to comfort me. And then, most annoyingly, I think of a baby born in a stable. Interesting. God literally has been where I am. He had a little boy and then his little boy was killed innocent. I am sure God weighed his options. It was not like God was all out of ideas and said "what the heck...maybe this will work." NO. There was literally no other option. No other way to save the people he loved from the devastating sin that completely cut them off from easy relationship with himself. Sacrifice in the past years had atoned for the sins of individuals. Yet how could a whole world of people and the thousands of generations to come...would our lives be forever bound by sacrifice. Each of us trying so desperately to please God but unable to get away from our daily, minutely sin (bad thoughts, lust, greed, anger, violence, frustration, doubt). God, THE GOD who created life had to give up his most valued possession, his son. An interesting thought I just had... why did God wait so long to give his son to die in our place? Couldn't of that been done on day seven? (The day God rested after he made everything)I would like to suggest that maybe it was because he LOVED his son. Giving up your son so that others can live. Talk about a weighted decision. If you had a child...would you do it. Maybe you might weigh the options: how many lives would be saved? How would your child have to die? Those might be some questions you would ask yourself. But what if you knew that your child was going to die being blamed for things he/she did not do. That her/his death would cause them the most physical pain as possible. And that your child was going to know that you chose to let them die when you were the only person who could have saved them. That "yes" that may have been on your lips is gone now, huh. I know there is no way that I would ever do that. Nope. Even when I think about all the good it could bring. Now I would give my own life...but not my child's. That is what God had to choose.

So next time I am weeping myself to sleep I hope that my heart will remember that I am not alone. I know that the pain will probably not go away. There is no quick fix to my brokenness. It will be my there my whole life. But at least I know that I am in the true company of God. My loss, though great in my eyes, is not as painful as many other people's stories.

God, how did you feel on the night Jesus died? Where you in tears fighting back your anger? Do you ever grasp your son's pierced hand and cringe, apologizing for what had to be done. I bet Jesus smiles at you and says, "it was worth it." And I bet you are again moved to tears with joy and pride that you have such an amazing son. Yup, you must know exactly how I feel. Since you do, could you please grant me peace tonight. Help me love my husband even though it is hard. Please bless our relationship and make it immovably strong and powerful. These are the desires of my heart. Thank you for making sure I am not alone tonight.

Saturday, April 3, 2010


The dictionary definition of Paralyzed: "to affect with paralysis; to make unable to move or act; to impair the progress to functioning of, to make inoperative or powerless."

Typically we think that someone who is paralyzed is unable to move or function part of their physical body. Yet paralysis can consume so much deeper then the visual aspects of a person. It can pierce to the core emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Something inside that person is unable to move forward. It is bound deep inside them unable to be reached and healed. Like an tumor that is inoperable because it is wrapped around a major artery. With the only choices being: a short paralyzed life or an operation that could end in death.

I was sitting at the food court at the mall with Matthew yesterday when I experienced the feeling of being paralyzed. We were eating lunch and chatting about something or another and I saw a new baby being held by a mother. The baby must have only been a few weeks old. I looked at Matt and smiled. "I want one." He looked critically at me and said no. "Why?" was his main question. "I want to be a mommy. I want to have a new baby and then a toddler. I want to teach my children how to cook. Go shopping with them. Hide Easter eggs and plan birthday parties. I want to have the house were my child can come with his/her friends and have treats for them." He laughed and said, "Later." Less then a minute later, as I was looking around and noticed a middle school aged boy sitting and eating his lunch alone. And I was paralyzed. I was gripped with sorrow and fear. I looked at Matt with ears brimming on my eyes and said, "I change my mind. I don't want any children." "What? Why?" was his response. All I could think of was...what if our baby gets hurt? Has no friends? Feels alone? "What if he has not friends Matt? What if he does bad things? What if he gets his heart broken? I can't handle that." And I don't think I can. Matt asked my why I was so worried. Those are things I have no control over. He could not understand the weight of fear that I felt. I see my brother and his broken heart. His angry spirit. What if he does not get out. What if he says no to God and does not let his heart be healed. What if someone else breaks his heart. I remember my childhood and all the brokenness that I felt. I NEVER want my child to experience that kind of brokenness and fear. Yes I understand the good that came from those scars but God is still mending them. In fact, I will be working to unlearn them for the rest of my life.

This sounds terrible but at this moment, the truth is: I am afraid that God will not protect my baby. It breaks my heart to say it. And even as I think and write it the Holy Spirit is whispering hope into my soul. Telling me that He is protecting my little man. How He loves Joshua so much: that is why he is in Heaven. My future is planned and protected, anointed. And yet... I still feel: impaired.

It is depressing because I felt the last few months that I have been growing and moving positively. And now I feel defeated. Bound. Hurting. Scattered. Backwards. How do I get the faith to trust God. Yes God is good but hurt happens because we are on earth..... I am so frustrated.defeated.

God, how do I trust you to take care of those that I love. How do I trust you to protect us against the hurt and broken. God please help me. I feel so broken. Choking on my fear. I can't live this way. Please fight for me. Please be my healer and strength. I need you. I need hope for the future. I get so crushed by my emotions. Will you help me know when to give weight to the emotions that I feel and when to let them fall at your feet. Help me be functional. I love you. Amen.