Monday, March 29, 2010

180 Degrees

When I found out I was pregnant with Joshua I burst into tears and continued to weep for the rest of the night. I was shocked and could not imagine the plans God had for me. It was not til the next morning that I could really begin to accept that God had different plan for me then I had for myself. HaHa!

I recently experienced a one eighty in that department. I was six days late this month. Six days is huge for someone who is as regular as the sunrise. For example the only time I was late in my life was when we found out I was pregnant with Joshua.

I had some mixed emotions as each day ticked by. Yes, I was slightly frightened but mostly... I was excited! My emotions made no since. Matt has no job. In fact he plans on going back to school in the fall. We live with my grandmother. I make barely enough money to pay our current bills. We have a little bit of debt. All of our circumstances prove that right now would be a terrible time to have a baby. And yet I was not afraid. All I could think about is how wonderful it would be. Vainly enough the only things that disappointed me about the possibility of being pregnant was that my "skinniness" (I have worked super hard for the last few months) would be gone. I would also miss Matt and my "one on one" relationship. But other then that all the fear and worry of our situational reality did not matter a bit. I think that my confidence came from my past experience. My son died... but God was there. He was holding my hand the whole time. Whispering in my ear, telling me to rest in him, telling me that He had a plan, telling me that my son was going to change lives. God showed up and proved that he can turn brokenness, whole again. That the blind can see. I still hear and see the influence that our son has had on our lives and the lives of others. Another beautiful result is others seeing the peace that Matthew and I have even during our sorrow. There is nothing else in the world as powerful as a life that has experienced God's designed brokenness. Because most people who have been though brokenness have then experienced God's pre-planned healing. Which, though still painful and difficult, places value and honor on the experience and gives it meaning which in turn heals.

All that to say... I was excited to be late! Yet I am a terrible secret keeper and keeping a secret like this from Matt is impossible. So in my own wiggly overstimulated way I mentioned to him how I was late. His response was mostly silent with a nod and "Ok". Day six my wait was over. I was not pregnant. Disappointment is the main emotion that overcame me. The emotion was surprisingly overwhelming. It was not until Matthew pointed out my bad attitude and asked "why" that I recognized that I was truly sorry I was not pregnant. Matt's response to my revelation was "Really!? We are in such a bad place for a baby." I shrugged my shoulder and only the tears rolling off my cheeks answered him. He hugged me. What a good man. I am sure in his mind he was thanking God that I did not get what I wanted and rolling his eyes at my tears. Still wishing I was wrong I took a pregnancy test because I was hoping that I was wrong. Guess what...the test was negative.

Yes, now is not the time. But I am excitedly awaiting the day that God allows me to have a baby; if he gives me that opportunity. I want his plans. And even though it is hard to not know the future I would not have it anyway. I don't want to know my future failures: depressing. I don't want to know my future joys; it would make me ungrateful. I think it is one of the sweet ways that God shows his desire for us. He wants us to seek him. So that we bring him our hopes, fears, dreams, and worries. So that we, as overconfident human beings, we recognize our need for the creator of the universe.

I have a deeper trust in God because of the truth that was given me.

ON a completely different note:
I saw a person through the eyes of God today. I have been asking God for more compassion for his people. And the person that I saw does not deserve to be forgiven, has cheated, broken hearts, done drugs, etc... and yet I looked over at him at the dinner table and saw a broken, hurting, starving man. Yes, he is still choosing to live a life of brokenness and pain. But deep down he wants more. He wants to be better but does not believe he is worthy of love or true forgiveness. And he is not...excepting the incredible forgiveness and power of Christ Jesus' bloody death on a tree. It hurt physically and in my soul to see this man through the eyes of Christ. I was left with the thought: "What now? What do I do with this view God? How do I love him so he knows you love him?"

God, please help me see others like you do more often. Help me be bold and do what you call me to do. Thank you for your grace you have had with me. Please free Kathy and Bill from the chains of the enemy that are choking them. Please God. In your anointed son's name. Amen.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Season of Waves

I knew that after loosing Joshua I would go through seasons of grief. Some would be harder then others and then some would be easier. I think that I am on the brink of a harder season. The reason being: Joshua's one year birthday is in two months. That probably not be cause for my hardship. The fuel to my sorrow is from those around me. Because we went to a birthing class and experienced our pregnancies together with other couples we also became friends with them. Well as Joshua's year is up and coming so are all our friends babies first year parties. I have received two invitations already. In the next four months we have seven friends who have babies who will be turning one.

SEVEN... Seven parties, Seven babies, Seven families who are happy, Seven reminders that I will not be spending time with my son on his first birthday. I know that it is going to hurt. These next four months being so filled with joy. I do not want people to be awkward around us. I do not want to be the only rain cloud on a sunny day. And yet I know that every party I attend my heart will be hurting. And there is no way around it. I cannot hide. I cannot run, I cannot ignore. I must live my life without fear. And unfortunately in this case it means that I must face my pain. Yuck. But there is a place inside me that is afraid. I am afraid of hurting. I am afraid to open my heart up. I know when the birthdays come my joy for my friends will not be fake. It will not be partial. But it will be bittersweet. That just is the reality of my life right now. It is not pretty. It cannot be fixed.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."

This seems to be where I am... I will constantly be handicapped. I will always have a broken place in my soul that Joshua will be.( maybe a better way to say that is: Joshua was given an eternal place in my heart the moment I found out I was pregnant.) He is my son. He cannot be erased. He cannot be avoided. And I will not try to do any of those things. I am not a prisoner of sorrow though I will feel it. I am not a prisoner of fear though it will threaten me. I will never be strong enough to deal with this on my own. I will always need God. Always. That thought scared and delights me at the same time. Because of my fierce desire for independence; always needing God is frustrating. But my misfitted soul is overjoyed knowing loneliness will never crush me.

Oh Lord,
I will need your strength. I need your hope, peace, love, and most of all: I need your grace. Have grace on Matthew and I over these next few months. Place a shield of protection around our marriage. We are your children and we ask that you protect us from the piercing attaches the enemy has already set out ahead of us. Be strong on our extra weak days. Be jealous on our lonely days. Be near us everyday. We trust you even though we see only darkness ahead. We trust your goodness. For you are worthy of all our praise because you sent your son to died that we may be free and live with hope. We love you. In JESUS name, Amen.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


I am a spectator in a sport that I should be playing. I am sitting on my bench and cheering for my teammates who are out on the field. They come to take a break on the sidelines and I stand up so they can rest in my seat. I high five them when the game is over because they led the team to victory. Or I pat them on the back when they fought a good fight and lost... But I am always on the sidelines. Sometimes (if I am really lucky) I will get to catch the ball because it comes out of bounds. But I am not in the game. Only a spectator. The worst part about being benched is that win or loose... I am still invited, even encouraged to come to the next game. Where I will inevitably be sitting on the sidelines. Waiting, Wishing, Cheering on my teammates.

That I how I felt today at a dear little girls 3rd birthday. She is one of two children of friends of Matt and mine. There were many little children from age 7 and down. Two pregnant women. Dads and moms all laugh and chatting while watching their children pray and run to them and show a new toy. All the men on the couches and I sat in a chair. All the mothers took their little ones outside to look in the barn. I sat inside. While the all the guys talked sports. Stuck in between two worlds that I don't belong. I am not one of the guys. I am sure they found my presence to be somewhat annoying. And I do not belong with the mothers. Ya, sure... they would have been nice to me, tried to talk to me but they would be wanting to play/ explore/ watch their children. I was seriously out of place.

It is hard having friends who have children because we don't have any. We are always the single couple who doesn't quite fit in. Who are not running after a little one and telling him/her to listen or behave. We are not having our child interrupt our conversation just so he/she can give us a hug or show us something new they have learned. We are the ones who can stay up late and sleep in.

I am a spectator at a sport that I really want to play. I feel like I am ready to play. But have not been given a starting position. I wonder how long I will be on the sidelines. How long I will be watching. Yes I am young and most of our.friends are in their late 20's early 30's. But I still feel overlooked. Unnoticed talent. Or even worse; talent that has been recognized but not utilized

Dear God,
Even you had a son. You got to play and talk and love on him. I want a child. Please give me the patience that I need to wait on your plans for me. Please make Matt ready. Please give us the opportunity to play the game and not just have to watch it wishing for out of bounds balls to come our way. I need your healing and grace today, tomorrow, and forever. Please take care of me like you are taking care of my little man. I love you. I give you all I am and all my praise. Be glorified oh Lord. May your eyes smile with pride upon your little girl as she surrenders and leans into you. Bless us.In your son's name...Amen

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Still a Mommy

I am still am mother. It is an interesting situation when I am asked if I have children. Sometimes I say yes. But most of the time I say "No, someday." Why... well most of the time people people don't want to hear or I feel like I am giving them bad news and I am reliving those first few days. They feel bad. They say sorry or try to say something positive. Then I either get more questions (which I don't mind at all), they change the subject, or they leave.

BUT the truth is I am a parent. My sweet little man is my pride and joy. I really wish, when people asked I could have the courage to say, "Why yes, I do have a child. His name is Joshua Alan. But he does not live with us right now. He has a much better home...Heaven.

I wonder what people would say to that.