Saturday, August 28, 2010


Feeling up and down today. Full of emotions. Can't pin point a cause I just know that I feel pathetic.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dear Joshua

Hey there my little man,

I miss you tonight just a little extra. I have been thinking about you so much this last week. I dreamt I had you in my arms again. It was amazing. I knew though that I did not have very long. The last thing I remember was being on my knees begging God to keep you. Then I woke up. That was a hard day. I know that you probably know so much more then I do right now. It has been hard here though. I don't know all the reasons and I don't understand them. I miss feeling you kick. I miss getting annoyed at you for keeping me up all night with your wiggling. I miss falling in love with you. I was looking back at old pictures. Goodness gracious you took up a lot of room in my tummy. I was huge! No really, I was BIG. lol you liked your space. Then I looked back at pictures of when we had you. Your daddy was so amazing! He loved your mommy the way a man is suppose to. He was there for you and was the first person who picked you up and held you. Goodness I remember those moments. Darling I miss your little feet, your little hands. I miss your hiccups and your karate moves. I miss holding you. I am so proud of you monkey. You are my son and I love you so much. If you were here I would whisper my loves in your little ears. I would rock you til my arms were numb. I would make you laugh and smile. I would read you books and sing you songs. Daddy and I would talk you for walks and talk on and on to strangers about how quickly you are learning and growing. Joshua, my love, you are so wonderful! I wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I wonder what it is like. Do you get to play in sand boxes and slide down curvy slides? Do you get to grow up and experience all the fun stuff? I hope you do! I miss you monkey. With all my heart I love you. I love you I love you I love you...

Love you Mommy

Oh my heart aches. My soul longs. A shadow of sorrow has descended upon me... be my healer. Be my helper. Be the one who lifts me on your knee and pulls me close. I miss my baby. It was so real. I was on my knees and so conscious of what I was asking for. I knew what your answer was already going to be too. Yet I wept and asked anyway. Please help me be strong. Thank you teaching my husband when to comfort me. I know that he did not want me to do this tonight yet he let me remember and look back. He let me feel. I appreciate him so much. Please bring him an extra portion of grace, mercy, and favor. Please give him huge favor at is job. Allow his bosses to see his hard work and reward it quickly and in abundance. Allow him to being to feel your presence in a greater way. Please show him how much you are proud of him! Thank you for giving me him. For all that has happened and all that we have gone through I know that he is my perfect match. I know that he is the most amazing man. I know that you are good because you gave me Mattie to take care of me. I know that you have me the best. Please have you will in our lives. We ask for financial favor so that we can get our own place. We ask for favor finding a car that is great and not much money. We ask for direction and wisdom in our steps that we may please you, bless others, and live with joy and life abundantly. Thank you for loving us so much. Thank you for constantly being our rock, my rock. I will die with praise on my lips for you are worthy and you are good. I love you. Thank you for my life, my husband, and my son.