Saturday, May 29, 2010

Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down

Does anyone remember playing that "Ring around the Rosey" game? I do. I specifically remember playing with Jessica and our friend Katrina in the front yard of Katrina's house. At the time we knew there was something wrong about the game but as little kids we did not think too much of it. We did not think about what ashes were or where they came from.

We have Joshua's ashes in a little urn. It looks kind of like a shot glass with a lid. Not clear though. Have you ever looked at ashes? They are not really what you expect. I was expecting ashes like that of a camp fire. They really are broken up pieces of bones. They are not black but white like bone as well. Hmmm...I remember when we first picked up the urn from the mortuary. Interesting feeling holding a little shot glass smooth in your hand and walking down the street. No one knows what is in your hand or running through your mind. I set it on our bookself. Matt did not like it out on display but He did not make a fuss. Currently it is on our dresser. Most of the time I don't think about it being there. But ever once in a while over this last year I have gone over and picked it up. Held it in my fist for a few minutes occasionally crying. But I have not opened it since the first time.

We thought about scattering it or throwing it into the ocean at Heceta Head Lighthouse where Matthew proposed to me. And I thought that was a good idea. As the time grows nearer to that time my heart hurts. But I agreed to do it cause I felt that was something that Matthew needed to do to heal part of him. Yesturday I ordered a little keychain urn so that I could keep a little bit of the ashes. I can't really explain why I feel the need to keep a little part of them. Maybe cause I know that in my heart I will never let go of my son and giving up all of what is physically left of his body feels like letting go. or maybe it is a mixture of a thousand reasons.

Either way I was planning on not telling Matthew about my purchase but I know that it would have been a bad idea. So I mentioned it to him. His response was not favorable. I knew that he would dislike the idea. I said "I know that this is something that you need to do." He told me that he was not doing it for himself but because it is time for me to get over it. It has been a year and life goes on. I don't understand my husband. I don't understand how someone could be over that kind of loss so quickly. We never talk about Joshua unless I bring it up. And even then only 30% of the time does he actually talk back. The other 70% he either holds me or ignores me. He says I am not the only one greiving that he lost a son too...but I still so often feel alone in my hurting. I am not avoiding my feelings and emotions. When they come I feel them and when they pass I keep going. I know that how I am dealing with the situation is the best for me. I will be more whole in the end. I will have a scar but I will not have a festering infection. I am worried that Matthew will have an infection. This all could be wrong. Matthew could be dealing with all his emotions in a different and could really be as "over it" as he says he is...but I don't know cause he does not talk to me. Instead he watches tv, plays on the computer, and does all the other stuff that is normal.

We never came to a conclusion about my little urn that I bought. I am afraid to ask. We are designed so differently. He thinks that he is protecting me. I know that Matthew just wants me to be better and to be free. But I have to heal on my own timing or it is not healing it is pretending. The moment that I start pretending with Matthew that will be my first step toward divorce. We will not make it if I am not real with my husband. I just wish that he was real with me. I know that it sucks to talk about and that life is hard but if he does not share with me then it is going to harm us both. Sigh. Women and men are so different. I know without a doubt that most women in my situation would want to keep the ashes forever. I would love for his ashes to be put with Matthew's and mine. I bet that most men would agree with Matt. How do we bridge the gap of our gender?

As this week of intence rememberence begins, God I ask that you be our strength and prortion. Be our help in time of need. Help us love others, be a light for you, and most of all...heal. I don't know what it will be like but please bring my husband and I closer. Please bridge the gap of our differences, He is who you gave me to be my physical representation of you. Yes never perfect but I ask that you impress upon Matthew the love and comfort that you want to give me. I need it. I need you. And I need my husband to be real with me. We all know that I am gonna be tearfully real. I ask that you do not go easy on us...but that during this storm we will trust you whole heartedly even when our eyes see the intensity of the storm. We choose you today and everyday. Be our strength and provision. We love you! and God you are Good!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Remember Me

When we first lost Joshua...those days in the hospital and the 6 weeks that followed...we were under the rich covering and grace of God. I think that He shielded us from the fullness of the hurt and pain that loosing Joshua entailed. For whatever reason, maybe to just be able to get out of bed, we needed it. But now I think that God has lessened his shield. The emotions and thoughts that I am having are huge. Bigger then those I felt in the hospital or any time after. Beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life. Bigger then any tangible or explainable sensation. I think back on all the times where I felt like I was drowning. Those times I was floating in a life raft in the ocean. Now I am without the life raft. Just me treading water in the ocean. It is very scary. I was telling m mother in-law how nervous I am to experience the next two weeks. I am nervous because the size of the emotions that wash over me are crushing. Breaking my bones with each blow. There are moments of silence between the blows. But every blow knocks me down.

I feel bad for Matthew. What a horrific experience for him, for any man. He is unable to be my protector in this. I am sure he feels like he is failing in some way. Yes he gets to be one of my comforters...but he can not protect me from any pain. He can not stop the blows that are overwhelming me. He just gets to wait anxiously for them to come and pray like hell that they pass quickly. I hope that God touches you Matthew. You are not failing. You are not failing me.

I can not stop thinking about those days in the hospital. I know every detail by heart. I remember so much. Most of all I remember how much I loved my baby. "Maybe's" fill my head. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe it would have been different if I had had a c-section, maybe it would have been easier if I had not picked him up. Maybe...maybe...maybe... But of course I know deep inside me that those are just silly questions. I know the answer. In a perfect world Matthew and I would have Joshua right now. We would be planning a first birthday party. We would see a bright future. But we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a broken, hurting, corrupt, angry, bitter world. Joshua is in Heaven. We are on Earth. And we now have experienced brokenness. And God, who knows and formed our hearts, has chosen us to go out and love on the hurting. I know why God wants the broken to comfort the broken...cause broken people don't want to be pitied, they want to be understood. I understand now. Because the peace that I have despite all my brokenness can only be found in GOD. There is no other person, drug, thing. Money will not heal, more babies will not heal. Only God can heal broken hearts. So I will weep with those who have lost and share the one who has helped me through many tearful nights... I wonder what else God has in store for me to do?

God, what are we suppose to be learning? You know. We don't. ONE year. You have had Joshua with you longer then I had him with me. Is the hurt and pain I feel reasonable or am I just being weak. Am I suppose to take it hard or take it easy. You know me, you made me. I need people but don't want to be needy. I want help but don't want to be helpless. I want to be loved but not pitied. I seem to be living my own set of contradictions. I know that I will get through this. I know that you have a plan and purpose for Matthew and my life. I know that you love me. I know that you are good. I know that whatever happens, even the worst thing imaginable, you will be my rock and strength and portion. I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD. Help me remember. Help me not be afraid to feel. I am terrified. It hurts so much. I miss so deeply. You know how I feel. Help. Remember me. Help. Remember me. Help. Please don't forget me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


Trying not to think is probably one of the most annoying and exhausting things that I can do. I am sure this is not the same for everyone; there has to be people who are great at not thinking…I am not one of them. Mother’s Day. I can say that I did really well. By “well” I mean that I did not shed one tear.   The problem with saying that I did well is how I achieved it. I did well because I spent the whole day distracting myself but thinking about other things and focusing on other people. If I were to think about my personal situation I would have been unable to function. I think that what I am saying is kind of an oxymoron. I did not think about my reality therefore I survived the day…yet were I to think about the reality then I would have been a wreck. The only problem with this thinking is that I feel like I lied all day. I read the Mother’s Day Cards, wished others a happy day, smiled, laughed, played with my 6 month old nephew…but I functioned out of avoidance. Matthew would say that is okay and that I was not doing anything wrong; which may be true for some people. But I feel like a fraud. The problem that I have with “acting” my way through a holiday is not that I am lying but that I want to be whole. I don’t want to be injured, broken, hurting. I want to be joyful, at peace, hopeful. I have this big injury that will always be a “ thorn in my side” and I am not used to that idea yet. I have not quite accepted this place that I am bound. Frustrating. The apostle Paul is who I think about most. He had a thorn in his side. I wonder what that thorn was. Was it an actual thorn…or a person, a situation, a failure? Three times he asked God to take it away. God did not. Instead he said, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to constantly need someone to make me whole. Ugly but true. I want to be the boss. I want to be in control. I want to be whole.

I did have a good Mother’s Day. Just not used to my “thorn” yet.

Speaking of avoiding thinking; Joshua’s 1st birthday is next month Thursday, June 3. I wanted a party with lots of family and friends but Matthew thought that idea was weird. I think that a get together is a great idea because both of us are prone to mope. And one of the things that keep us from being depressed is being around people. When we are around people that love us then we don’t have to pretend we are whole. So we are having a party (only a family one ) and I am making invitations.  Getting all the details together helps the time go by. I keep telling Matthew that I just want July to be here. Joshua’s birthday will be over and there will be no more 1st birthdays amongst our friends. I just have to make it through July. Then I will get a few months to rest before more holidays hit and the reminder of my lack becomes more evident.

I am hurting.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Burnt Tongue

Have you ever had a burnt tongue? I got one this morning. I was taking my first sip of a cup of hot chocolate and was expecting a very wonderful delight. But that is not what I got. It was HOT and very uncomfortable. I did not realize I was burn right away. I did however notice when I went to take my first bite of my breakfast. I could not taste anything at the tip of my tongue. Very frustrating because I was having raspberry-cream cheese stuffed french toast. It was then I noticed a slight burning/tingling irritation on my tongue. My taste buds had been burnt. After breakfast was over I forgot the hurt and went on with my day. But each time that I ate or drank something my tongue would hurt. Even now, at the day my tongue hurts while I drink.

The relevance?

I hurt. Every time I see a baby, a baby picture, baby clothes, baby books, baby cards, baby anything I feel a slight hurt. And the frustration with that is I can not get away from those things. Part of me would love to avoid babies and baby related items completely...yet that is impossible. One part of me is hurt from my loss. But another part of me is weighted by desire. I want baby. I desire to be a mother. Both of those things are mixed inside of me so often I am not sure if I ever know if what I am feeling is positive or negative. Which is frustrating. I only want the happiness part of the equation. I am tired of the melancholy and sober part of my hurt. Yes, I realize that what I ask is quite unreasonable yet it is frustrating to walk by a clothing rack with baby clothes and sorrow and wish at the same time. Another frustrating part of this whole mess is the fact that I know now is not a good time for us to have a baby. It is just true. And in our current circumstance I will have to be satisfied with waiting. I do not want to waste my waiting time. Cause there is a reason that I am doing it. But waiting sucks. So for now I will have to somehow embrace the sadness and desire that I feel when I walk by a baby or see a baby book. *sigh* this pain burns a lot longer then a hot chocolate...