Monday, May 13, 2013

4 years old...almost

Mid-May seems to frequently catch me off guard. I am going about my business without thought of time, getting excited for summer. Then Mother's Day happens.
I am so abundantly blessed with Samuel. There are moments that he makes me laugh like I haven't laughed before. He drives me crazy with his independent spirit while simultaneously making me so outrageously proud. Then there are moments where I look at him and all I feel is love. A love that overwhelms my human understanding & capabilities. I think, I think those moments are God-love moments, selfless & captivating.
I wonder at my life sometimes. The plan that God has placed on it is so different then what I could have ever imagined. I was 22 when we lost Joshua; 21 when I became a mother. I look in the mirror at this me and I still see that girl. Hair a bit darker, not so paste-y skin (thanks Texas!) and I am sure a few more wrinkles, though I can't really see them. 4 years and so much has changed yet so much stays the same.
How can you miss someone you only knew for a few days. I guess that is not fair. I knew Joshua since his first kick then 24 weeks along and the ultra-sound lady tells me, "It's a Boy!" It's hard to explain how a baby in-utero can have a personality...but they do. Joshua had character. He made me laugh with his wild kicks and annoyed me with his late night workouts. He knew my heartbeat and I knew his.

I have a friend who I met shortly after Joshua went to heaven. She had a son who was born a week and a half before mine. She is amazing. I have had the unique privilege to be around her & her first born son for most of his life. It is not unusual for me to see this little man and imagine mine doing similar things. Strange as it may seem I have only received encouragement when looking at her little guy. His passion for life, vigor & endless personality makes me laugh & wonder who Joshua would have been like at this age. I think... I know that one (of the many) reasons that I was gifted with this friend is because God is good to me. He knows my heart & knows that I needed this little spirit to visualize my little monkey. I do not think of Joshua without thinking of Malakai. Malakai means "my messenger" or "my angel."

My current sorrow is not because I wish things were different. It is because love is as strong as it is real. Life can be given & taken away but love lasts when all else fails. My love is imperfect & often selfish but it is still love. Love in its depth of feeling & truth holds you tight to another person forever. I am proud of my Joshua. I am thankful that God trusted me with him. I am amazed at what he has taught me. And I am sad because I know it may be a while until I get to see my monkey again.

Observation: My sorrow in missing Joshua always ends at the same place. It always ends with me being more happy then sad that he is in Heaven. He is free from everything in this world that can hurt. It does not matter how selfish I am, if that's the best (which it is) then that is what I want for him. I can not help but be thankful that God sought to bring him home sooner then expected. We have all been away from home. It can be fun at first but after a short while it is the only thing that will satisfy.

Darling 4 year old Joshua,
Happy Birthday big boy! I love you sweetie! Hope your day is celebrated with the most fun ever! We will sure be celebrating you down here! Double party :-) Keep watch for our love notes. We are all so very proud of the little man you are. We miss you. We will see you soon.
I love you monkey, with all my heart forever.
<3 mommy="" p="">

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sammy Stories

I would just like to say, "My son is Awesome!"

Today he pushed opened a thing of toilet paper by pushing his hands into the tubes. He walked around this the 4-pack of TP on his hands giggling for 5 minutes. What on earth? Hilarious! I had to help him remove his hands and he shook his hands around once they were free.

Whenever he gets an "ouch" he will run over and ask mom to, "ksss it". Once kissed he goes about his business. This is normal with most kids but I can not help but love it! What girl doesn't want her kisses to miraculously heal boo-boos? :-)

Sammy has just started to become afraid of cars/tractors coming towards him. When we are on a walk it does not bother him but when we are playing in the driveway and someone pulls up he will start crying and run over. I can only assume that it is a phase but his response intrigues me. If I was on the ground when a huge semi pulled up in front of me my response would probably be the same...head for higher ground!

Sammy experienced his first pinata on cinco de mayo. He was the third child to go & was given a huge stick then shown to hit it. For some reason, as he hit the pinata he yelled. "Ahhhh! Ahhhh!" We were all about on the floor with laughing. What a silly man! No one else was yelling while they hit. Then after a dozen hits he dropped the stick and took off to do his own thing.

We have seen a few horses since we have been here. These creatures are not a favorite of Sams at all! I think that size plays a role in this fear. Every time we see a horse he demands to be picked up and is not interested in touching them.

I have noticed that family couch time is huge with Sam. When daddy is home and we are all on the couch visiting is when Sam becomes a huge goof-ball! Giggling and bouncing around. "Throwing" pillows at everyone waiting til they come and tickle him. Such amazing joy from our little man! His joy is contagious because it does not take long for his laugh to become ours too.

Today we were getting home from our walk just in time to see the garbage truck go by. Talk about an awesome experience for Sam. He had so much fun watching the truck grab & empty the trash can and the guy jump out and grab any extras. He waved like crazy when they pulled away, they waved back! I have a new appreciation for those men. It was only 11am but it was a warm walk. Their truck is doorless and they have some hard working to do. Thanks to all those hard-working garbage men/woman!

There are SO many bugs here. Yuck! Sam almost picked up a huge spider the other day. I about lost my mind. I am not sure how to handle that issue. I understand that he is a boy and will be interested in bugs but I don't want to look over and see a huge bite on his hand because he picked them up. No to mention all the fire ants that live here. Ugh, I can't let Sammy walk anywhere alone for fear that he will lean down to watch/touch the ants as the scurry by. These ants are not nice and their bites last a long time. Yuck!

Cars, trains, trucks and now dinosaurs. Sammy is enjoying his toys. He knows that we rock babies to sleep and sing them songs. We make sure to put them down gentle and never throw them (like his big uncles do)! Cars belong in a line or row, always facing the same way; as do the dinosaurs.

All food belongs in a huge pile, mixed up and mashed up together. I can not tell you how frustrating this is to my mind. But I just keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with how he eats, as long as he eats. He knows he will get a timeout if he throws his plate or his drink will be taken if he dumps it out. All the rest can be in his control. Nothing gets hurt if he crunches his chips in his applesauce and eats them with a spoon. It make make me uncomfortable but that is not the point. :-)

Slot Machine Brain

This last few months has been filled with seemingly endless adjustments. The biggest one was going from working away from home to working only at home. It has been a pretty large challenge for me as I have explained before. The transition from talking to many other people to just myself has been a hard one. There are many complications when you are left to reason within yourself. I was thinking about this as I was on a walk with Sammy today. I was pushing him on his bike. My mind was twirling like a slot machine; turning many ideas over quickly in my head then landing on one for deeper thought. I looked down at Sam and he was quietly looking around. I wondered if he was thinking about anything. What would it be? How would his mind see it? I know that I am thinking in words; do he think in pictures? Or is he like every guy I know and enjoying the luxury of thinking about nothing. I honestly can not comprehend that. If I am not on purposely thinking of something I am unconsciously doing so. And I know that I am no alone in this, hello ladies, you know!
Thinking of course is not bad, usually. For me it is the amount of time that I am left to myself that causes my struggle. When I worked in retail I was bound to get some negative customers in the day. Some were quite awful. After they left I would often express my frustration to my co-workers and they would settle me down. The length of time I would be bothered was short. When I was constructively critisied (not my favorite thing) it hurt & I focused my energy on changing what was needed but I could still come home and Matt would help me see the truth and level my thinking. Yet now that I am at home the only real critic I have is myself. You know how hard it is to give yourself grace? To find purpose in the things you do (or don't do) during the day? Chores around the house get done; Sammy is taken care of & played with. Both of these things can be done while I my brain is slot machine-ing its way through a hundred topics that range from sadness to joy & EVERYTHING in between. I can recall a great memory and the next thought can be how sad I feel. What on earth?! You see the problem? Everyone knows that the odds of winning a slot machine is low. I am gambling with my sanity, or so it seems.
Before after working I would then come home, play with Sam, make dinner, bath & put Sam to bed, then "rest" while doing laundry or dishes. My days were jam-packed with To-Do's and people to please. I guess I never had any time to just be. I never learned how to organize my time because I had so little of it that it cam pre-organized. Now I am seeing value in the things that I thought were little.  Its a big change in perspective. I always knew that stay-at-home mommas did more work then me. Their struggles were always bigger then mine, I could feel it. Now that I am one of them I can see the struggles don't just land on taking care of the children.
I suppose that does not make a world of since, or any. I guess my point is more how hard it is to adjust into this new role. I expected it to be hard but not because I would have endless time to think. I have to struggle through how to manage Sammy's time: how to teach, when to play, where to go then hold it all up and see why it is I am doing what I am doing. I was young when my mother was at home with me and was definitely not paying attention to how she managed us and the time. There was a standard that I could meet when I worked at an away from home joy. There is no standard at home. The expectations are those that Matt & I agree to cultivate. It was easier when they were laid out for me.
Think. Think. Think... I am such a To-Do-er that I don't really know how to turn that off and just live.