Saturday, January 30, 2010

I want.

I want to be a momma. I chatted with Matt about it yesterday while at Walmart... lol he is not ready yet. Maybe next year.

God, I want to be a good mother. It scares and excites me all at once. Please allow us the gift of a baby. God please allow us the provision to be able to support a child. Please give Matt a new job or purpose so that he can help support our family. And may your will be done with my job opportunities. In you we place our trust.


the Strength of Women

I have recently been surrounded by many new and valued female friends. It has always been a prayer of mine that I would have lady friends that I could share life with. It is so sweet. The more that I spend time with them, the more I hear their life stories, the more I realize that.... Women Are Strong! But in order for me to see their strength I first had to be invited to see all the struggles and broken places. Which allowed me to come to a second conclusion... women face the most challenges. Yes men have struggles, they worry, they are stressed, and they deal with intense brokenness... so by saying that women are strong I am not saying men are not... what I am saying is that women are designed differently and my belief that God designed women with the power to accomplish so much more then they believe. But with that pre-destination comes huge opposition from the enemy. We are designed to change the people around us in such a positive way that our enemy of our flesh has a special vendetta against us. If we as women reach the success that we are designed for then satan will have no power or authority over our loved ones...and we have many of those.

I have met many women... women who did not have mothers, women who had mothers who hated them, women who had no father or a father that abused them, women who have been sexually/mentally/physically/emotionally abused, women who have had children and lost them, women who have had children and did not feel love for them, women who have had abortions,women who can't have children, women who have married someone who hurt them, women who have cheated on their husbands, women who have been cheated one.... and there is so much more examples of the struggles that women have to overcome.

Does this not make you wonder... Why women? Why women who are most beautiful when they are vulnerable and loving towards others? Spend a second and think about the most wonderful women that you know... describe her. What are her qualities? What does she do for you that make you love her?

I think of a few women all at once. These are a few of the qualities that those women have: joy, confidence, self-love, patience, love for others, sweet, thoughtful, mostly these women are themselves, they are vulnerable before others, and they love the people around them.

The woman you thought of... does she influence the people around her? Well if she has your attention then she is doing just that. Of course the enemy would attack the very people who are designed to change the world. Women are designed to do that.

And unfortunately the majority of women have suffered under the hand of the spirit-breaking enemy. He attacks their heart, their spirit, their self-value then leaves them broken and blinded. But women are strong...because even though the enemy is trying to ruin us... we have the power and strength to overcome even the most piercing darts of the enemy. I can think of a hundred of examples at this very moment. Examples of women who have surpassed these struggles...

Women are strong. God has given us the ability to be victors over the enemy of our soul.

How are you doing today my sweet one? Is today one of your weak days? Are you struggling with a mistake or a fear? Remember that you are strong. Seek the healer of your soul today. Allow him to lift your burden. This does not mean that your struggle is gone. But it does mean that even though you feel alone, you are not. God has put other women in your life to bring you the strength and compassion that he has waiting for you.

I wish you sweet success ladies. You are so Strong!

Saturday, January 2, 2010


I was gonna be a great mom... and Joshua would always know that I loved him. I saw a card today at the store that said ..."My three favorite words... That's My Son!" It took me a lot of work to not burst into tears standing in isle 7 at walmart. It's hard not to wallow in thoughts of "what if"... The hardest part: my sister and her son. nothing against her... but it causes me to painfully ache from my head to my heart...

God, you have plans for me, you have promised me so... will you please give me confidence, wisdom, trust, hope, freedom... I need so much. How can I give when I am bound by such heavy need.

still hurts

Time has passed. It hurts still. But it does not always hurt sometimes I feel happy, usually at work. At home I feel like matt and I are always at odds. Difference is all I see. I can no longer see our similarities all I see are differences. It is sadness. The enemy is attacking me greatly during this time, with thoughts that we are too different that we made a mistake. That I cannot do this, I don't want to work this hard. That I am still alone. that Matt does not love me. That he is interested in someone else more. These thoughts burden me deeply and cause me to be angry on the inside. There is so much power that the enemy can take when I don't surrender my all perfect, terrible, and lonely to God. And allow him to bring me healing and trust in his word to bring me truth.