Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Finding my Joy

I laughed for real the first time a few months ago.

What a funny statement that is huh. Kind of depressing and annoying if you ask me. And people around me would say: "Really, you did not laugh for over two years?"
Well it is a little more complex then that. It is not that I did not laugh, it is that I did not have my full allotment of Joy back. Those who knew me prior to loosing Joshua, and especially when I was pregnant with him, knew a very happy girl. Laughing and joking about anything and everything. Though life definitely had its hard moments I was usually one who could let go of any issue very quickly. And when I was pregnant I was so full of joy (not the first week after finding out...haha). I was so excited to have a baby. Feeling him wiggle and kick was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. I was overjoyed. And I had the name Joshua picked out since I was 16.
After loosing him the first week or two I considered "covered" weeks. Where God had us in a little bubble as to allow us to survive and get things done that needed to be done. But week 3 that bubble burst. It was like a shadow of sorrow decended. Like a thick smog that made me see life differently. Slowly over the months that smog has gotten thinner and thinner. And after Samuel was born...I think the rest of the smog lifted. That is not to say that I don't have hard days or miss my first born. But it is different now. I have my joy back. And so when I say that laughed for the first time...that is what I mean. I laughed with full joy.

(side note: I wonder what both of these transformations looked like to those around me? What did work people see? my friends? One of my friend who met me right after I lost Joshua said I looked pathetic. interesting)

But gosh...being a mom is hard. There are so many feelings and experiences that cause fear, hope, guilt, joy, guilt, tears, peace...the list goes on.

I do owe someone a shout out though:

Matthew Alan Nice, thank you. Thank you for standing by me in all this caos. You truely have been made more of a man and a follower of Chris because of the love and faithfulness you have shown your crazy emotional bride. Three years ago we began this journey and even though sometimes I truely would love to punch you straight in the face, I know that you are my perfect match. (I won't punch you in the face). Thank you for listening to me worry, cry, laugh, and did I say worry and cry? haha Yup, I do a lot of both of those. Mattie, you are my man. And I pray that God showers unending blessings upon you! May you receive the desires of your heart! I know that you are mine!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Faith is not the absence of fear but the continuation on the current course of action despite your fear, trusting (sometimes blindly) that God will show up and do what is needed!

Thursday, July 14, 2011


I am thankful... and scared. The biggest struggle with accepting that I am afraid is the feeling of guilt. If I am scared does not that mean I am without faith. I am doubting God if there in me there is fear?

I am scared that I will wake up one morning to a dead baby. Morbid, I know. But it is true. I am scared that I will let someone watch him and come home to a tragedy. I have a million thoughts that I have to push out of my head everyday. Some moments it is much easier to push them away...other times I feel like I am choking on them.

The other day Samuel had his first big spit up. It scared me. That night as I laid him in his crib I struggled internally with the fear of him choking on his spit up while he slept. I lay in bed praying that God would calm me fears. Matt got into bed and asked what was wrong, (he always knows) I told him. He asked what I planned on doing about it. And I told him that I had been praying about it for the last 15 minutes. He laughed. "That is all that you can do."
It is hard to accept that praying is "all I can do." It seems like a cop out. I feel like I should be doing more.

The next day at bible study the topic of family came up. I am not the one in charge of my family, I am only the manager. If I try to take on the responsibility of God over my family then I forfeit the impact that I am designed to have. I am not god, nor will I ever have what he has. But if I try to take over that role then I am unable to influence my family in the manner that God has intended. But what are the roles of a manager? And what are a managers limitations. The limitations are more what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind so that I don't surrender.

I don't know God, I am trying. Please help me know...and trust.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

An emotional War zone

We are living in an emotional war zone.

Definition: A person who is struggling through strong and intense emotions. While trying to cope and manage these emotion they also have to balance a relationship with another who is dealing with their own set of similarly complicated and forceful emotions. When a couple is unable to address or understand(or choose not to try) the other's state of emotion then the resulting mess is a war zone. Now there are two hurting, confused people who have no one to rely upon on. Typically these war zones are within marriages. And I would dare to assume that many broken hearts came from struggles that were not supported and protected by their significant other. If you can not trust your spouse with your deepest and most vulnerable thoughts and feelings then your intimacy levels will slowly break down. I can assume that most women who are married or have been married will agree with this statement. And even admit that it has happened to them. But I would like to be so bold to say that this is not just a "female" thing. Men also experience the disastrous effects of emotions that are not protected by their wives. Men, I know that you don't want to admit it, are vulnerable too. They may have a different vulnerability then women (women are MUCH more open about it). But it is there. Men struggle with thoughts of inadequacy just as much as anyone else. Men are afraid. The greatest difference is that they are not only not encouraged to admit it but also come equipped naturally with more pride. (Pride is not a bad thing, what would we do if our strong men did not have it? We would have a bunch of Nancy's on our hands. No winning wars and foraging for food would have happened)
So, two struggling people each not admitting the truth to the other. Or one is admitting the truth and the other is not trying to comfort them. There are a hundred reasons why someone would choose to not comfort their hurting counter-part but the main one is fear. How can someone comfort another successfully when they too are hurting? So their natural response is going to be to shrug off the other's hurt (perhaps even belittle it) so that they can stop thinking about their own. They are afraid of the hurt that they harbor in their own heart.
It honestly makes me cry. This kind of behavior ruins marriages. It ruins parent-child relationships. It crushes the very spirit of trust that we all long for. Each of us desperately wants to trust another. Trust allows us freedom from the fear of being rejected. We all know the feelings of rejection. Some of us have tried to become numb to that feeling. In doing so we stop trusting. Because every time you choose to trust someone you are giving them the opportunity to take the things that are most valuable to you and crush them...and even crush you. But when we are allowed to share our thoughts and feelings with another and they cherish them we are given such an amazing feeling of acceptance and comfort. We are validated as a person. We are valued and so are our struggles. Our relationships become stronger and more intimate...safer. What is safe? "Buttoned up, cherished, free from danger, guarded, home-free, intact,maintained, out of harms way, preserved, safeguarded, sheltered, shielded, unassailable, and unthreatened. " Does that not sound AWESOME! I would love to feel that way! Could you imagine what it would be like if you felt that way? Is this not what we strive for. We are constantly setting up our situations so that the outcome is "safe". This is what relationships are suppose to foster. But due to the sad state of our world many times relationships are viewed as a means to an end. There are things that are "wanted" and the we have to try to manipulate what we want from the other. Often times we try to manipulate the feeling of safety. We check our loved ones mail, e-mail, phone, ect...all to try to feel secure they are not cheating on us. We do chores for them in order to secure that they will stay with us or even as a trade so that they will do something for us. Like: I will do dishes so then my husband will have to take out the trash. Yet, all the while as we try to mold ourselves into a world that is secure we are actually doing the opposite. We are like the first two of the "three little pigs", building our house of straw and sticks; all the while knowing that the enemy is much stronger then some flimsy straw and damn sticks. We need bricks! Hard, strong, impenetrable bricks that are mortared together around us. Manipulation will result in a straw house...maybe a stick house depending upon the personality of your spouse or even how clever your manipulation skills are. But ultimately what you are putting your security in is not real. And there will come a day that your facade of security will be blown down around you. The only thing that will keep you from that devastating day is a house of brick. If you have ever seen a brick house being built you know that it is ALOT of work. Long hours, tired arms, and everything is done...one brick at a time. Nothing can be "pre-assembled" because you need it to be perfectly straight. Everything has to be expertly placed. And if there is a brick that is not flush the integrity of the structure is compromised. So if one is wrong it has to be taken up and re-laid. Yet all of this work is highly valuable. Have you ever seen a city after a flood? Or even an earthquake? What buildings are still standing? Now there may have been some structural damage but the building is STILL standing. Don't you want to still be standing after a disaster in your life? Don't you want your relationship to be still standing after a crisis? Well, the only way to have that is to put in the work to make it. Brick by brick. Choosing to be vulnerable to them. Being willing to set aside your fear and experience their hurt with them. To offer them a safe place to be loved and accepted. To not over react when what they are struggling with has the potential to hurt you. OH and most of all...you have to choose to let them do all this for you. You have to share your fears, hurts, worries, and deepest emotions. Because a two sided house may help against frontal attacks but does nothing when you are surprised by something coming from behind.

Where did this all come from, you may be curiously wondering. Well, this is round two for Matthew and I. We are having another baby. Due in 11 days. We lost our first. And feeling afraid is an understatement to what I am really feeling. On top of all the baby worries I am faced with the biggest fear...pain. How will I manage the pain? How will I make it through. The only way I did it last time was Matthew. He helped me make it. He kept me safe and focused. And now I have to trust that he will do that again. Did I mention that I am not so good at the "trust" thing? So we have been arguing about everything these last few weeks. The undercurrent of emotion is very strong right now. And I think that I argue with him to keep him at bay. Which is stupid because what I really need is him close to me. I think maybe I am seeing if he will all of a sudden meet my needs despite my arguing. My thoughts are: "well if he handles this situation right, then I know he will be their for me in labor." HAHA Can anyone say foolish. That is me trying to manipulate a response from him. What really needs to happen has nothing to do with Matt. It has to do with me. I have to choose to trust him. I can not expect him to prove himself before so then "I know" I will be taken care of. Damn. A few more days to choose trust and not fear. Oh, the fear will still be there (cause labor hurts like hell!) but I have to choose to know that Matt will be who I need him to be. But one thing that I do have going for me...is the past. Matt was everything I needed last time I went through labor. So I am lucky here, I have some history that should give my trust a boost.

Hmmm... history. So we can build up a storehouse of trust to lean upon when we are in our deepest moments of fear. We can rely on the past actions of another to spur trust in the present.

I wonder...

I wonder what Samuel will look like?
Most people, when they have children, have memories of when their child was born that slowly fade. They are reminded of them when they look back at baby pictures. But their memories are not limited to their child's first days on earth. They get to watch them grow up. So along with the first memories they have a thousand more. On top of that they also see their child in the present. So if they do have another child the parents usually look back on old pictures to see if their children look alike in their infancy.

I have a different view. My only memories of my first son are when he was an infant. I have no other memories to distract my first ones. When I think of Joshua I see him as a little baby.
So the last few weeks I have been very curious what Samuel will look like. Will he look like Joshua? If he does, I will be able to see it right away. What if he looks completely different? I am nervously curious to find out.

I wonder what it will be like bringing Samuel home?
Now this question is more complicated. My paradigm ("a typical example or pattern of something: a model") of what it is like to have a baby is MUCH different then most people. Most people know that after you push out the baby you get to hold it and cuddle it. Then you feed and wash it. Then you take it home...of at least I assume that is what happens. I don't know because what happens when I have a baby is much different. When I have a baby the baby is set on my tummy for a second then whisked out of the room. I don't see the baby for a few hours and when I do he is hooked up to a dozen machines. I don't actually hold the baby til the third day when we take him off the machines. Then after holding him, I awkwardly put him back down and walk out of the room. What happens to him after that I can only assume. Then we leave the hospital. We go home empty handed.
Those are all the "physical" things that happen. The "emotion" things are much more intense. I sure in hell know the emotions of loosing a baby; but I have NO clue what so ever what it is like emotionally to keep one. What will that be like? I have heard so many people's personal stories of what it was like when they brought their babies home; but I can not help think that despite some of their similarities that my experience will be somewhat different. Or maybe not. I am about to find out I guess.
Pregnancy is kind of like deja vu; cause I know most of these feelings. And labor will probably have a similar aftertaste but what I am most interested in is what is will be like to have...to keep a baby. Is my house ready? Am I missing anything? These are questions that I never had a chance to figure out last time. So in part this is kind of my first child because he will be the one who I experience all my "firsts" with. First bath, first tooth, first allnighter...

I wonder...

Saturday, June 4, 2011

2nd Birthday

Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our first son Joshua's 2nd birthday. We do this a little different then most parents because our son is in heaven. We gathered some of our family for dinner. After dinner we all get a helium filled balloon and write our thoughts/nots/love to our son. Everyone gets a balloon. Then we send them up together to Heaven.

It was a hard day. My husband and I were laying in bed this morning thinking about last night. Talking about our son. Thinking back on the week we said hello and goodbye to him for the first time. I could see my husband being more "strong & silent type" trying to hold back tears. So I said what we were both thinking. "It is harder today then it was yesterday." He rolled over and put his hand on my belly. "But this," he kissed my tummy, "helps ease the pain."

Our second son is due in two+ weeks. And we are so thrilled. It has been an emotional journey but we are so blessed. We are proud of Joshua, and we are so excited to meet his little brother soon.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Precious Moments

A few nights ago Matthew randomly put his head on my tummy. "What are you doing?" "Shhhh... I want to hear the baby." He stopped a second and lifted his ear to my heart and then once again put it agains my tummy. Then he giggled. He was hearing Samuel's heart beating. He described it as almost twice as fast as mine. And he said he could hear swishing sounds as well. I mentioned how Samuel is not a big fan of pressure on him so he may kick. Within moments Samuel kicked Matt's face. We both laughed.

Every evening since then Matt has spend a few moments listening and talking to my stomach. One night Samuel (must have been sleeping) was not wiggling. And Matthew gave my belly a little shake and told his son it was time to wake up. And he did. And guess who stayed up the next 1/2 hour with a wiggling baby? lol

It is amazing. Last pregnancy Matthew interacted with Joshua but never like this. Such precious, beautiful moments that warm my heart. I love seeing my husband falling in love with his son. I knowing that Matthew gets to share this experience with me in such a hands on way. We bonded greatly during Joshua's birth and what ensued afterwards but to see the bonding happen now is stunning. I think because I am already so in love with Samuel I want Matt to share it. There is no way to explain my love for my unseen little man. But it is not only there, but grows stronger daily. I am so excited for Matt. I am so excited for our son. I know that Matthew will be a fantastic father. I can't wait to see him hold Samuel for the first time. I can't wait to see them playing legos and matchbox cars. It is funny how your view of value can change so quickly.

Matthew, I love you. I am so incredibly blessed by you. You have no idea the gratitude that I have towards your active love for me. Honestly, I did not think men like you existed any more. And here I am, blessed with what I thought was impossible. You do so many things that protect my heart from hurts. I wonder where you learned it all. When we were pregnant with Joshua, you were there. Through the labor and loss, you were there. Through my darkest nights and days, you were there. And now we have this new joy to share. This new adventure that both overwhelms and excites us. I am SO glad that it is you who I get to share with. You know that I have a hard time imagining success...but because I have you, because of the testimony of your life, I know that God is good. I know that God keeps his promises. And most of all...I know that God has favor on me, because he gave me you. I know that you, like Joshua and Samuel, are a gift and how long I get to keep you is not known to me. But I hope you know that every moment I have you in my life I will be thankful. And when you are gone, I will still know that I was/am the most blessed woman because you are the answer to my prayers. I asked that God would show me his unending love for me every day...and he gave me you. (Did you know your name means "gift from God"?
Be blessed Matthew and may I bless you back.
-Your wife

Friday, March 25, 2011

Learning to Walk

I want a promise.

Haven't you ever wanted one? When you told your first major secret to a friend? When you needed someone who would be there for you? When you stood at the alter looking into the eyes of the one you loved? When your first born was sick and there was nothing you could do?

I want one now. But not just one. I want a million. I want a promise that my little sisters will love themselves and love Jesus. I want to know that I will see Joshua in Heaven. I want to know that there is a Heaven. I want to know that Matthew will always love me. I want to know that God will provide for us even when there is no money. I want to know that there is always good in people. I want to know that I have a purpose. I want to know that I will make it through my failures. I want to know that Samuel will be ok. I want to know that he will love and follow Jesus.

I want a promise.

But in my mind I think that if I was given promises for all the things I worry about and fear, then life would be great. I would not have worries if I had promises.
But there is a problem with this logic... you need to trust in order to believe in a promise.

(sigh) Trust. Yuck. I am NOT a fan of this word. Seriously, do I have to? Trust means I have to work. I don't want to work. I want it to be easy. I want it to be simple. If I was still 5 years old then this would have been easy. Trust was effortless when I was 5. In fact, I did not know life without it. But then I grew up. I saw all the hurt and destruction that people can do to each other (to the people that they say they love.) And "trust" was no longer an reaction; skepticism, fear, and distrust became common.

Now, in order for me to trust someone/something/ or even God I have to see proof first. Prove to me that you are worthy of my trust; then maybe I will trust you. Prove to me that you are not using me; then maybe I will trust you. Sucks to be the person who makes a mistake, cause that is all it takes to loose my trust. And good luck trying to get it back after that. I think "snowball chance in Hell" is a fitting phrase for the work it would take to regain my trust.

So, how do I trust a promise will come true? How do I trust the person making the promise? I guess there is only one person who I am looking to make me promises. (Matt is my husband but he can't promise 99% of what I am asking for).

I guess that the real issue is not trusting the promise will come true but trusting the person who is making the promise. Or even just trusting the person who has already made the promises. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. "(Proverbs 3:5-6) "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. " (Jeremiah 29:11)

Endless verses about the goodness of God and the goodness of the plans that he lays for us. My question is...
God, I remember those dark places. I remember wondering how, if you loved me, I could be experiencing these things. God, how can I trust you when I have been hurt?

God, how can I trust you when I have been so hurt?

How can I trust that life will be good in the future? How can I trust that those I love will not experience that hurt too? How can I trust that you will prosper and not harm me? How can I trust that your plans are good? Is there even a way? I mean, other then trusting blindly.

Oh NO! That is it huh...are you asking me to blindly trust you? Please say no. I don't know if I can do that. I was never good at playing "follow the leader" as a kid (unless I was the leader). I don't know how to be a good follower.

Ok, if I don't have to follow you blindly...then how should I follow? (Must I follow? I am a pretty good leader. ) Ok, fine. I will follow. (here is where I imagine the little kid in me have my fingers crossed behind my back)

Damn. So following, which means I have to trust that the person I am behind will not walk off a cliff anytime soon. And there it is. I just walked off a cliff. Sigh. Now what? You STILL want me to follow. Really? A cliff God. A CLIFF! Did you not see it? I definitely did not. But you said to follow and I followed. Now what? What if you are in the mood for another cliff. I am trying to trust you, follow you and believe your promises. You are making this difficult.

Easy. Nope. Trust is not easy. Learning to walk was not easy either. But one cool thing about learning to walk was you only had to take one step at a time.

Hmmm.... one step at a time. Now maybe that is something I can do. I can trust God today. Would that count as a step? Would half a day count? Cause this week was filled with half-day-trusting. I think so. Babies who are learning to walk will eventually take three steps in a row. Then 5, then 15....and then maybe trip and have to start over. But eventually a trip or fall does not mean that we are starting from the beginning with our trust; more like picking up where we left off.

Maybe tonight...I will take a step: to believe a promise, to follow and not lead, to trust.

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Masterpiece

I am a master painter.

Everyday I spend hours designing and painting my plans and thoughts. I see my plans for life as a masterpiece. Then I proudly show God, he chuckles a little. "Are you willing to give your masterpiece up?" My usual response is "What? But this is my best work!" But if I say yes...He has a Monet to replace my finger paintings.

What will I choose?

Friday, February 4, 2011

For those who want a Reason

So...the story begins a few thousand years ago. There was a young married woman. She could not have any children. But she was not the only wife. He husband had another. That wife had many children. Every day she would be taunted and teased by this "other wife" and her kids. And everyday she wept. He husband saw her sorrow and gave her gifts and attention. He said, "I love you most, can't that be enough." She turned to him and faintly smiled. "Yes dear." But they both knew that she would not be whole until she could have a child of her own. Each year they journeyed to the temple where she would watch the other wife and her children bring up many sacrifices. And she sorrowed in her soul because she only had one.

During one of these temple visits she lingered after the rest were done. Wringing her hands she cried out to God. Her heart in turmoil and desire she pleaded with him for a child, a son. From afar a well dressed man had been lingering as well. But she paid him no mind until he abruptly started scolding her. "What are you doing in her woman? This is the house of God and here you stand drunk and weeping? Get out." What she had not realized that during her silent pleas her mouth had been moving. This man was Ely the priest. "no Sir, please. I am not drunk. I have been pouring out my soul. I am in anguish." He saw in her face that this was truth. "Go in peace. Add may God grant you the pleas of your heart."

She went home and soon after was pregnant with a son. She named him Samuel because she asked the Lord for him. For the name Samuel in hebrew sounds like the word that means "heard by God".

Once her answered prayer was weened she brought him back to the temple where Ely the priest was. And she gave her son into the care of Ely. For she had vowed before God that had she received her desire she would consecrate (devote) him to God and the works of God.

Many years down the road, Samuel had a very personal experience with God. In the night he heard someone call out his name. Thinking it was Ely he ran to his room and asked him what he needed. "I did not call you, go lie back down". This happened a few more times throughout the night. Only after the third time did Ely understand that this call was from someone else. He told Samuel the next time to say, "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening." And Samuel did. He was called to a great commitment that day. Later in his life Samuel anointed the first King of Israel, Saul. As well as his successor David.
(1st Samuel; Bible)

I can't help but relate with this story. I understand the sorrow of Hannah's (the mother) reality. I know her pain. I know her tears, and I know her pleas. And with all my heart I want my Samuel to know and be known by God.

When Matthew first presented this name to me I thought it was horrible. Ask Wendy, Connie, or Alicia. They all can attest to my bad attitude. Then I reread the story of Hannah and Samuel. And honestly I was angry. I was angry that God would show me this story of a woman who had such pain and sorrow because she had no children. What made me the most mad was the fact that she gave him up. After all her pain and petitioning she choose to give her only son back to God. (sigh) I know how that feels. Although last time it was not something that I had offered; it was something that was required of me. But here I was reading this story of this woman who felt the same hurts as I did but WILLINGLY gave her only son back. It took me a few weeks to get past my frustration with God. I wanted him to promise me a son like he had promised Abraham a son. I wanted a concrete sign. I ask and ask and this is what God gives me? A story of another SACRIFICE.

Finally, randomly, I got it. I was actually driving in my car and came upon a big accident. My first response in those situations is to call Matthew. Just to check that he is ok. And it hit me. They are not mine. Ha, I know that. I have known since I laid my lifeless first son into his monkey blanket. But I had forgotten that "they are not mine" applied to everyone I love and everything in my life. I had to pull over that day because the tears were blinding. How on earth am I suppose to be ok letting those I love go everyday. How can I cherish every moment the way I am suppose to?

Everyday I have to choose to give my Husband and second son back to God. Everyday I have to let go of these things that seem to mean so much to me. It is not easy. In truth, I am really terrible at it. It consumes my mind and often I struggle to understand it all again.

Yet, despite this new practice that I am learning God continues to astound me with the gifts he gives. My love for Matthew seems to grow more without him having to do a thing. In fact I usually fall more in love with him when we are apart (working or something else). My heart stirs up and overflows with joy and new love for him. The same can be said for my love for my Samuel. He has to do nothing and I love him more each moment for it.

I am truely blessed beyond anything that I could have ever asked for or deserved. And if/when those days come that I have to say goodbye to my cherished ones (early in my thought) I will remember my Joshua. I will remember the lessons he taught me about long distance love. And I will overflow with joyful love once again.

I am excited one day to have a little girl...but gosh until then I am so very proud of MY three Men!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Tightropes and Canyons

Faith is like walking on a tightrope. A constant balancing act on a very thin wire across the deepest canyon. It starts the moment that we say yes to God and continues til we die. Often we are not aware of what we are doing…just walking along oblivious. Then we get a gust of wind…we find ourselves shaking a little bit. We are slightly alarmed, maybe we become aware that we are on a wire but because it is only wind…we can regain our balance quickly. Then there are times where we are caught in a storm. We are surprised and we loose our balance, maybe completely and we fall…grasping with only one hand, slipping.
How we get back up: by calling on God, choosing faith. How long it takes us to get back up…is up to us. We get to decide how long we will struggle til we ask out for help. Unfortunately many people give up before they ask.

I have been aware that I was on a tightrope for a while. Since the 3rd day after Joshua passed away… when reality set in. I was suddenly aware I was on a very wobbly wire. Honestly, I know the only reason I did not fall was because of God’s immeasurable grace for me; because I did not have the strength to hold on myself. He held me. Then slowly I stood back up. I have had a few wind gusts since then but mostly I have been too busy looking around and forward to notice how deep the canyon is now.

(Now don’t assume that everyone has the same tightrope to walk. Yours and mine are different, just like our walks in life are different. It does not make one persons worse/better then another. It just is. God is the only one who knows why some are given more/less/better/worse. Besides even if he told us why… we would try to talk him out of it or disagree. )

** If you are having a hard time picturing a tightrope over a canyon try picturing this: A 5 or 6 year old child is walking in a parking lot. She/he sees the long barriers (usually painted yellow) that line the front of parking spots. Interested in the challenge he/she steps up. The goal of course is to make it across without falling off. Wobbly at first, and probably falling off a few times. Typically the child can make it across after a few practices. Now imagine that next to the child is their mother/father. They take a step and then start to wobble. The parent gently steadies them giving them the ability to take another step. And another. And another. Until they make it, triumphantly, to the end! On to the next rope...I mean, barrier.

Turning back is always an option I suppose. I could, you could. But would it be worth it? Can I really throw away all that I have done and seen. Why not except a steady hand to give me the ability to take one more step forward?