Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our first son Joshua's 2nd birthday. We do this a little different then most parents because our son is in heaven. We gathered some of our family for dinner. After dinner we all get a helium filled balloon and write our thoughts/nots/love to our son. Everyone gets a balloon. Then we send them up together to Heaven.
It was a hard day. My husband and I were laying in bed this morning thinking about last night. Talking about our son. Thinking back on the week we said hello and goodbye to him for the first time. I could see my husband being more "strong & silent type" trying to hold back tears. So I said what we were both thinking. "It is harder today then it was yesterday." He rolled over and put his hand on my belly. "But this," he kissed my tummy, "helps ease the pain."
Our second son is due in two+ weeks. And we are so thrilled. It has been an emotional journey but we are so blessed. We are proud of Joshua, and we are so excited to meet his little brother soon.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
During one of these temple visits she lingered after the rest were done. Wringing her hands she cried out to God. Her heart in turmoil and desire she pleaded with him for a child, a son. From afar a well dressed man had been lingering as well. But she paid him no mind until he abruptly started scolding her. "What are you doing in her woman? This is the house of God and here you stand drunk and weeping? Get out." What she had not realized that during her silent pleas her mouth had been moving. This man was Ely the priest. "no Sir, please. I am not drunk. I have been pouring out my soul. I am in anguish." He saw in her face that this was truth. "Go in peace. Add may God grant you the pleas of your heart."
She went home and soon after was pregnant with a son. She named him Samuel because she asked the Lord for him. For the name Samuel in hebrew sounds like the word that means "heard by God".
Once her answered prayer was weened she brought him back to the temple where Ely the priest was. And she gave her son into the care of Ely. For she had vowed before God that had she received her desire she would consecrate (devote) him to God and the works of God.
Many years down the road, Samuel had a very personal experience with God. In the night he heard someone call out his name. Thinking it was Ely he ran to his room and asked him what he needed. "I did not call you, go lie back down". This happened a few more times throughout the night. Only after the third time did Ely understand that this call was from someone else. He told Samuel the next time to say, "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening." And Samuel did. He was called to a great commitment that day. Later in his life Samuel anointed the first King of Israel, Saul. As well as his successor David.
(1st Samuel; Bible)
I can't help but relate with this story. I understand the sorrow of Hannah's (the mother) reality. I know her pain. I know her tears, and I know her pleas. And with all my heart I want my Samuel to know and be known by God.
When Matthew first presented this name to me I thought it was horrible. Ask Wendy, Connie, or Alicia. They all can attest to my bad attitude. Then I reread the story of Hannah and Samuel. And honestly I was angry. I was angry that God would show me this story of a woman who had such pain and sorrow because she had no children. What made me the most mad was the fact that she gave him up. After all her pain and petitioning she choose to give her only son back to God. (sigh) I know how that feels. Although last time it was not something that I had offered; it was something that was required of me. But here I was reading this story of this woman who felt the same hurts as I did but WILLINGLY gave her only son back. It took me a few weeks to get past my frustration with God. I wanted him to promise me a son like he had promised Abraham a son. I wanted a concrete sign. I ask and ask and this is what God gives me? A story of another SACRIFICE.
Finally, randomly, I got it. I was actually driving in my car and came upon a big accident. My first response in those situations is to call Matthew. Just to check that he is ok. And it hit me. They are not mine. Ha, I know that. I have known since I laid my lifeless first son into his monkey blanket. But I had forgotten that "they are not mine" applied to everyone I love and everything in my life. I had to pull over that day because the tears were blinding. How on earth am I suppose to be ok letting those I love go everyday. How can I cherish every moment the way I am suppose to?
Everyday I have to choose to give my Husband and second son back to God. Everyday I have to let go of these things that seem to mean so much to me. It is not easy. In truth, I am really terrible at it. It consumes my mind and often I struggle to understand it all again.
Yet, despite this new practice that I am learning God continues to astound me with the gifts he gives. My love for Matthew seems to grow more without him having to do a thing. In fact I usually fall more in love with him when we are apart (working or something else). My heart stirs up and overflows with joy and new love for him. The same can be said for my love for my Samuel. He has to do nothing and I love him more each moment for it.
I am truely blessed beyond anything that I could have ever asked for or deserved. And if/when those days come that I have to say goodbye to my cherished ones (early in my thought) I will remember my Joshua. I will remember the lessons he taught me about long distance love. And I will overflow with joyful love once again.
I am excited one day to have a little girl...but gosh until then I am so very proud of MY three Men!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
How we get back up: by calling on God, choosing faith. How long it takes us to get back up…is up to us. We get to decide how long we will struggle til we ask out for help. Unfortunately many people give up before they ask.
I have been aware that I was on a tightrope for a while. Since the 3rd day after Joshua passed away… when reality set in. I was suddenly aware I was on a very wobbly wire. Honestly, I know the only reason I did not fall was because of God’s immeasurable grace for me; because I did not have the strength to hold on myself. He held me. Then slowly I stood back up. I have had a few wind gusts since then but mostly I have been too busy looking around and forward to notice how deep the canyon is now.
(Now don’t assume that everyone has the same tightrope to walk. Yours and mine are different, just like our walks in life are different. It does not make one persons worse/better then another. It just is. God is the only one who knows why some are given more/less/better/worse. Besides even if he told us why… we would try to talk him out of it or disagree. )
** If you are having a hard time picturing a tightrope over a canyon try picturing this: A 5 or 6 year old child is walking in a parking lot. She/he sees the long barriers (usually painted yellow) that line the front of parking spots. Interested in the challenge he/she steps up. The goal of course is to make it across without falling off. Wobbly at first, and probably falling off a few times. Typically the child can make it across after a few practices. Now imagine that next to the child is their mother/father. They take a step and then start to wobble. The parent gently steadies them giving them the ability to take another step. And another. And another. Until they make it, triumphantly, to the end! On to the next rope...I mean, barrier.
Turning back is always an option I suppose. I could, you could. But would it be worth it? Can I really throw away all that I have done and seen. Why not except a steady hand to give me the ability to take one more step forward?