Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Finding my Joy

I laughed for real the first time a few months ago.

What a funny statement that is huh. Kind of depressing and annoying if you ask me. And people around me would say: "Really, you did not laugh for over two years?"
Well it is a little more complex then that. It is not that I did not laugh, it is that I did not have my full allotment of Joy back. Those who knew me prior to loosing Joshua, and especially when I was pregnant with him, knew a very happy girl. Laughing and joking about anything and everything. Though life definitely had its hard moments I was usually one who could let go of any issue very quickly. And when I was pregnant I was so full of joy (not the first week after finding out...haha). I was so excited to have a baby. Feeling him wiggle and kick was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. I was overjoyed. And I had the name Joshua picked out since I was 16.
After loosing him the first week or two I considered "covered" weeks. Where God had us in a little bubble as to allow us to survive and get things done that needed to be done. But week 3 that bubble burst. It was like a shadow of sorrow decended. Like a thick smog that made me see life differently. Slowly over the months that smog has gotten thinner and thinner. And after Samuel was born...I think the rest of the smog lifted. That is not to say that I don't have hard days or miss my first born. But it is different now. I have my joy back. And so when I say that laughed for the first time...that is what I mean. I laughed with full joy.

(side note: I wonder what both of these transformations looked like to those around me? What did work people see? my friends? One of my friend who met me right after I lost Joshua said I looked pathetic. interesting)

But gosh...being a mom is hard. There are so many feelings and experiences that cause fear, hope, guilt, joy, guilt, tears, peace...the list goes on.

I do owe someone a shout out though:

Matthew Alan Nice, thank you. Thank you for standing by me in all this caos. You truely have been made more of a man and a follower of Chris because of the love and faithfulness you have shown your crazy emotional bride. Three years ago we began this journey and even though sometimes I truely would love to punch you straight in the face, I know that you are my perfect match. (I won't punch you in the face). Thank you for listening to me worry, cry, laugh, and did I say worry and cry? haha Yup, I do a lot of both of those. Mattie, you are my man. And I pray that God showers unending blessings upon you! May you receive the desires of your heart! I know that you are mine!