Monday, September 21, 2009

I put

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen

note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Letting Go

I am having someone come and look at the dresser that I painted for Joshua. I was moving stuff out of the way so make room for the guy to look. I wonder how all this looks to an outsider. You walk up my front steps and see a evergreen tree with a little plaque with Joshua's name and hand prints and dates of life. Then you you walk in the door and in under ten steps you enter our spare room. In it is: unopened gifts, a car-seat, a stroller, a baby swing, a crib that has been taken apart, blankets and a few boxes that say baby stuff. Then in the middle of the room is the dresser. What an odd feeling people must have when they come into this room. To me this room has a forbiden quality, wrapped up with memories and a little sorrow.

We are moving. This room will be boxed up and stored. Along with it will be part of my heart. A beautiful thing about children is the moment you find out you are gonna have one, a piece of your heart is theirs. No matter how the rest of the child's life unfolds. You will never get that piece back. And honestly, I would not want to change that.

Matt and I had a good talk last night. He is such a blessing to me. He is the logic and since that I seem to lack on my hard days. He balances me when I feel like I have become a zombie. He said, that it is not Joshua or his life that makes him sad, it is what happened to him. The events of those days that cause him the most pain when he remembers. Matt said that if i can learn to separate the "events" from the actual person of Joshua, then maybe, I will not feel as sad. Logically it makes since. And I think that one day, I will be more capable to do that. I am glad that Matt can do that. It is good that he is healthy. I would not want him in pain.

I know that God has a plan for everything that has happened. I know that I will be able to use this experience and God will bless and bring freedom and hope to others through it. I just ask that He will give me the strength to not hide of run away (or miss) the plan He has for me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

My Family

Dad, Mom, Jessica (who now has in her tummy my nephew Grayson), Patrick, Sarah, and Hannah posing so cute at Matt and My wedding. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!


I had the perfect pregnancy. No woman could have asked for more. No pains (until the end, then there were tons!) Joshua was born at 1pm (exactly) (a week and a half late from his actual due date) after 12 hours of labor.

He was born not breathing, heart not beating. There had been no signs of stress or problem in during the delivery. I gave birth naturally so they were constantly checking on his heartbeat. They int abated him and restarted his heart. He never opened his eyes, he never breathed on his own. His heartbeat worked sometimes on its own. We spent three days in the hospital. Waiting for my father to come and meet Joshua, then say goodbye. He had gone out of town to say goodbye to his own father and was rushing home to say goodbye to his grandson. [My heart still goes out to my dad. Dear God, I know that you bring us to our darkest places to invite us closer to you. But my dad is not closer. Please bring him freedom from his chains that he clings to. They are all he has ever known. I want him to know your joy, your peace.)

I choose to name Joshua Alan after Joshua in the Bible. He was a strong and faithful leader. He called the Israelites out when they lacked faith. I knew that Joshua would be a leader. And he was, just in a much different way then i had ever imagined. There were hundreds of people who came to meet and then say goodbye to Joshua. The NICU nurses (who I believe are angels sent fro Heaven to comfort those who are in the deepest of needs) set up a room for us next to Joshua so people could stay close to him. There were thousands of people praying from Eugene, Oregon to African Villages for the healing of our son.

My little leader, Joshua, I miss you. I miss your kicking. You were really good at karate by month nine! I missed talking to you. And feeling your life spaning out into my future. Thinkgs are so much different then I had ever imagined. I am glad that you are with Jesus. you never have to feel pain, or hurt, or your heart broken. You will never be separated from God. I am so proud of you son. SO proud. Your life changed so many. Your daddy and me think about you everyday. We are not sad always, I know you wouldn't want that. We just miss you. But we know that God is taking good care of you! I can't wait to see you again my little monkey. May you enjoy your day in Heaven. Ask God to send us some strength for today. We love you Joshua, forever.