Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Tidal Wave

I miss my Joshua, with my whole heart. I did not expect this. It was like a rogue wave that crashed down upon my heart with the pressure of a knife. I was managing the other waves, each ebb and flow was expected and managed. But...
3 years. 3 years later

I don't want pity. I don't want to hear that he is in a better place or that it is better this way. I KNOW THAT! SERIOUSLY. I know that my little man is in Heaven. And my sorrow is not even that I wish him here with me. I am a good momma, I want the best for him. But pain is still pain and missing someone is still real, even when you know they are in a better place. The comfort I need...well I don't think any person can really give it to me. I am afraid to even express my pain to others, I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I don't want pity or fake words. Most people don't even know how to react. Poor things, I can't drop a bomb on someone like that.

I just did not think planning Sammy's 1st birthday party would make me miss Joshua. All those precious memories that never happened...

I have two amazing boys that I will celebrate next month, 3 if you include Father's Day. I can not express my adoration at my precious men. I am so lucky, so blessed.
But for the time being I am also so very sad.

You Are My Sunshine- Johnny Cash

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Dear God, 
Thank you for every blessing I have, even the ones I don't see as blessings. Thank you for loving my boys and trusting them to me. Please comfort us in this time. Please comfort me. We love you, trust you, give you back everything that we hold dear. Thank you. -Amen

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

A Lifeguard

I can not explain my fear. All I know is that when Sammy is laying in his crib with a stuffy nose I can not sleep. I know that when he coughs the strings of my heart wear a bit thinner; becoming closer and closer to snapping. It is like being a lifeguard. Sitting upon your podium, eyes wide, always scanning. You are there to keep everyone safe, but more specifically you are waiting for someone to drowned. You are there to save them. It will happen, that is why you have a job. The only difference with me is that I can not save. Nor do I even have the capability to try to stop it. I just lay in the next room as my little man coughs and wheezes, waiting.
I am dramatic. That is what Matt will think when he reads this or if I was to tell him. He would say, "There is nothing worrying will do. It will all be ok." What he does not know is that does not help me. I would so very much like to forget my past and grasp onto that easy mentality. But I can not. I used to believe that and even in the very depths of my heart I still do. Yet the majority of me knows better. I know that tragedy happens. I know. BUT it is what I don't know that brings me fear. I don't know "the plan." I don't know if I get to keep Samuel. I have a strong feeling that I will be able to enjoy him for a long period of time but but but. That damn but seems to get in the way.
All of this fear makes me feel so incompetent as a mother. When Sammy is around I do my job credibly. Then he is put to bed, he cries and I become pathetic. It tears me apart when he cries. Yea Yea Yea, I don't need to hear the "truth." I recognize that he will be ok. I know that he needs to learn to self sooth. I can comprehend that I am teaching him bounderies. But none of that can bandage up the wounds that his crying causes in my heart. My head gets clouded and I think desperation causes me to feel like I am doing a bad job. I cant tell anyone that though. People are so damn quick to "reassure" me of the contrary. But no one actually recognizes my feelings. I know I am not a terrible mother. Most of the time I do a good enough job. But when I express my disappointment in myself it is not to be fluffed up. I am just expressing my current state of thought. Why is everyone (males especially) so afraid of negative feelings? They are very uncomfortable to be sure but good gracious that doe not make them disappear. Just because you ignore them and fake them away does not mean they are not there.

I am unsatisfied with this post. It has been so long sense I have written anything. These feelings are not comfortable. The memories that writing evokes in my are very painful. I can not yet remember the joy without it laced with sorrow. I know a few men who have said they are capable of separating the two, just remembering the good. I can't yet. Well I suppose the only way to become un-rusty is to treat the rust then make sure to be well taken care of. I suppose with all this evening alone time I should start facing some of my fears. Oh that thought is horrifying.  Sometimes holding on the fear is easier then letting it go. At least with the fear I know what to expect....