Saturday, November 28, 2009


My sister had her baby. November 18th 2009. A beautiful, handsome, breathing baby boy. His name is Charles Greyson P. But he goes by Greyson. I was able to be at the hospital when Jess was going through all the labor and deliver. It was interesting. I passed by my hospital room every time I was walking to hers. And her mother/baby room was two down from where mine was. It was a strange few days.

Jess amazed us all. If she knows that of not I am unsure but she was so strong!! They ended up choosing a c-section because of multiple factors. Which I think was a really good choice. I did not realize how truly difficult if would be to watch my little sister in so much pain. The hardest part, for me, was the hour of surgery that Jess had to endure. No family except her fiance was aloud int eh room, then we would be unable to see her and the baby for two hours. Talk about a nightmare. I went home for those three hours. I stepped into my house and looked for something to do...dishes, putting the laundry in the dryer, vacuuming, cleaning up my room... i was frustrated and starting to run around when Matt (who was reading the paper at the dining room table) asked my to come sit down. It was not until Matt stood up, held my shoulders, and told me I was going to sit with him and relax that I understood why I was so frantically looking for something to do. My little sister was in an operating room with her new son and I had no idea how it would end. Would it look like how our lives did on June 3 at 1pm? Would I loose my sister? Would she loose her baby boy too? I told Matt how scared I was, I think that I cried when I told him. He said... "What is your worrying going to do? Can you will them to live? No, you need to let it go and pray." first thought was... NO. Ha, but when you talk to God; in any attitude. that is considered praying. So my next words to God were...I don't know if I would be able to still love you if I lost my sister.... And then I sat and Matt relaxed me a little. I took a shower and I walked out to a text from my mother (who I imagine had been much more worried then I) telling me all was well.

I got to meet Greyson a few hours later. I held him for a minute. Then the nurses came in and chatted with Jessica. Then one turned to me and said, "I am sorry about your loss." I had had a pretty good hold on myself up until that moment. And I walked out. I could not hide my broken heart anymore. I test a friend, who was sweet & she prayed for me. I did the best to compose myself and then said goodbye to Jess and went home and took a nap.

I could not help being proud of my little nephew and showed his picture off that night at church. I spoke with my pastor and I told him how I was doing, full of joy yet held under a shadow. He the explained to me the meaning of Ambivalence. It means to be attracted to something yet at the same time being repelled by it. Ha...that seems to be my life right now.

It is hard. The holiday presented itself to be more difficult in some unexpected ways. Matt and I both were having a difficult time and it was not until the evening that we really understood what was happening in the other. I told Matt that it was hard for me to hear everyone talking about Greyson and all his greatness. It hurt me. I missed my son. Matt said he was feelign the same way. At that moment, we were no longer alone in our pain but in allowing our hearts to be vulnerable we helped support each other. Matt told me that he had been having a hard few weeks. And I asked him to let me know next time. I may not be able to fix anything but at least he would know that he was not alone. And I could pray for him.

Greyson is lovely though. And his mother is strong. I am proud of them both very much.

Friday, November 6, 2009

5 Months

It has been 5 months since Joshua was born, since he died. Sometimes it feels like it has only been 5 days, sometimes it feels like it has been 5 years. And each memory is still as fresh as if it was unfolding. I remember the feel of the carpet under my bare feet as I walked back and forth to the NICU and my room. I remember picking you up for the first time.

Joshua, my prince, your mommy misses you. I wonder what you would have looked like, rosey cheeks? long and lean or short and stout. Your daddy is kind of short and stout. Long legs? I wonder what you would have looked like smiling, or laughing. You had your daddy's lips. Sometimes I look at your daddy's face and see you. I see other baby boys...they are so cute, but all i can think about is you. You are my precious little man and I am so glad that I had you. every pain and hurt, tear and trial...they were all worth it. I would do it again without blinking an eye. Because you, Joshua Alan, made me so happy. Feeling you kick, when you got the hiccups. Even all the pain of having you, you were worth every thing. every second. I am so glad that I got to be your mommy. Maybe, oneday when I get to heaven. I will get to meet my little monkey. I am so excited to see you smile and hold your hand and be your mommy. I love you baby boy! With every part of me. Tell Jesus to send your momma some peace. I love you. I love you. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be.

God, I am drounding. only you can keep my head above the water. and place my feet on dry land. help me not be afraid of the wind.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


I am different.

I used to be full of joy. i used to laugh for no reason. or freely when there was cause. i used to imagine my future with joy. i used to never get sick and i knew that i wasn't going to die cause i trusted that God had more for my life then what i had already done. i used to not fight with my husband about very stupid things. i used to go with the flow. i really liked being around other people. loved my work. i used to get mad then minutes later let my anger go. i used to like to hang around my friend. I was always able to say that i was honestly doing good.

When i was pregnant...people used to tell me that i glowed. The joy was apparent in every part of me. ya i was scared but i was so...happy.

And now... i am different.
My joy seems to be lost. i laugh sometimes. sometimes i fake it. i don't think about the future, not really. now i imagine that every little thing that i see wrong with my body or skin i imagine will kill me. i feel like i am constantly fighting with my husband. about things that never mattered before. i cant seem to let my frustration and anger go. I find it alot of work to be around people and my friends cause it takes alot of work to fake it and most of them know when i am but who constantly wants to here about how i really am doing? and if i did talk about it all the time then i would constantly feel hurt. I still like my work but customers are harder for me to deal with.
I feel like i am not who i was anymore. all i can see is the doubt that i have in myself. fears seem to penetrate my thoughts. I know the truth. I do. I know God is good. I know he has a plan for me. I am making myself vulnerable to him and others so that i can heal....but i will forever live with this thorn in my side.

I was talking to matt about Joshua. I said that what i feel now will lessen and be farther apart but will never go away, even when we have kids in th fe go wauture. And he said that he was hoping it would go away when we had more children.

Really God... you have to help me trust that you have good in this. that my marriage somehow will be better off is stead of worse because of this. Cause i don't see it. We had been married 11 months when joshua past away. We are hurt in a hugely deep way... and we have to work through it so that we can last forever...

gosh it hurts....

I was at work the other day and this young woman came in and she was pregnant. I asked how far along. (pregnancy is something that i truely loved) she was 7 months. I asked the sex: boy. Then she talked about how she knew it was gonna be a boy. Then she asked if i had any children. I said yes. she asked how old and i said he lived only a few days after birth. Later I asked my boss if he would have said yes to having children or no (in that situation)..he said that i had to make that decision myself, but he probably would have said no. I don't want to cause others pain...but i did have a child. he lived inside me for almost 10 months. He kicked and i spoke to hime. I called him by name. I learned some of his personality. How can i say no when i am asked if i have children.... and yet, i dont want to scare people or make them uncomfortable. where are the lines. there are no lines. only cracks.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

my husband

matthew, I love you so very much. You are the strongest man that I know. You have been there for me, fighting for me for so long, before we dated you were a prayer warrior fro me when I did not have the strength. You were there with me on our wedding, singing to me and promising me forever. You were there for me when we found out we were pregnant and I cried all night. You were there for me every minute of my pregnancy. You were there for me for 12 hours straight through the labor and delivery of our first born son. And you have been there for me ever since. The hard nights and frustrated moments. You have been there/are there for me in the moments I don't even know who I am. You hold me, love me, trust me, call me out, encourage me, challenge me, and overall you, Matthew Nice, have made me the most blessed woman in the whole world. I love your my prince charming. I love you forever and ever! I am so excited to spend forever by your side, hand in hand....

4 Months

Happy 4 months Joshua!! Gosh. Time has moved by so quickly. It is hard to think that it really has been four months since you were born. So much has happened. So much has changed. We live with great-grandma now. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was the first place Your papa and me lived together. We had alot of fun there. We found out we were gonna have you there! It was a tuesday night. I didn't believe it. But those little pink lines didn't lie. We had a room for you. It was not painted but it was just for you. One night your daddy came home to find your crib put together. lol You were not due for two and 1/2 months still. He laughed at me. Your crib stayed in the corner for a long time. Your daddy and I learned how to love eachother in that apartment. We learned to share. well we started to. I painted your monkey dresser there. It was very cute. You would have loved it. I organized all your clothes many weeks before you were due. I was really excited to meet my little monkey. I remember the first time I felt you kick me! It was definately not the last! You would have been a good little karate kid! lol I remember sitting on the couch with daddy and we watched you bounce my tummy up and down, up and down. Daddy loved feeling you kick! Well, except when we were trying to sleep. Your daddy said that you would kick him in the back when we were falling asleep. That always made me laugh, you were an onry little guy, and I loved it! I remember you were due on Memorial Day May 25th. I was really excited and said that your daddy could not gp camping with his buddy that weekend cause i thought you were gonna come! Little did I know you would hold out til the last second. And I am glad for that; I didn't know that was the last week I would have with you. My body was a getting ready for you to be born for two days before you woke us up at 1am when my water broke. Lol Daddy said that he knew you would come at night. He knew you would be a little-goof-ball!
We spent 12 hours in the hospital before you were actually born. And you were kicking even when I was pushing. Then you came...and went. I think that You were with Jesus right away when you were born. yet, Jesus let us keep your little 7 pound 11 ounce perfectness around so we could meet you a little bit...and say goodbye. I remember the very first time I touched you. The midwife put you on my tummy, and I felt your little body so soft on mine. Daddy got to cut your ambilicle cord. (He said before you were born that he didnt want to...but you made him want to!)

Then away you went....Daddy stayed with me for a while after that. I think he was scared, and hurt. You were born at 1pm June 3, 2009. Daddy and I visited you a couple hours later. But time moved so fast that it felt like we were away from you just minutes.

You were the most beautiful baby that I had EVER seen! The moment I saw you I was filled with such pride! My baby boy, you are the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I am so proud of you! You were my, our little leader. Calling us out of our doupt and into faith. You have lead the way to heaven little prince and I will gladly follow you! I am SOOO excited to meet you in heaven! To get to hold you again! To hear all the storied that I have missed. Luckily you will not have to wait long for me, Heaven time is different then Earth time. So I will be seeing you soon! I am singing you s goodnight song tonoght little one! Thank you for sharing our lives the last 14 months. We miss you dearly! Yet we know that there is much for us to be doing until the day we get to see you in Heaven with Jesus!

Love you Joshua Alan, we love you!

Monday, September 21, 2009

I put

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen

note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Letting Go

I am having someone come and look at the dresser that I painted for Joshua. I was moving stuff out of the way so make room for the guy to look. I wonder how all this looks to an outsider. You walk up my front steps and see a evergreen tree with a little plaque with Joshua's name and hand prints and dates of life. Then you you walk in the door and in under ten steps you enter our spare room. In it is: unopened gifts, a car-seat, a stroller, a baby swing, a crib that has been taken apart, blankets and a few boxes that say baby stuff. Then in the middle of the room is the dresser. What an odd feeling people must have when they come into this room. To me this room has a forbiden quality, wrapped up with memories and a little sorrow.

We are moving. This room will be boxed up and stored. Along with it will be part of my heart. A beautiful thing about children is the moment you find out you are gonna have one, a piece of your heart is theirs. No matter how the rest of the child's life unfolds. You will never get that piece back. And honestly, I would not want to change that.

Matt and I had a good talk last night. He is such a blessing to me. He is the logic and since that I seem to lack on my hard days. He balances me when I feel like I have become a zombie. He said, that it is not Joshua or his life that makes him sad, it is what happened to him. The events of those days that cause him the most pain when he remembers. Matt said that if i can learn to separate the "events" from the actual person of Joshua, then maybe, I will not feel as sad. Logically it makes since. And I think that one day, I will be more capable to do that. I am glad that Matt can do that. It is good that he is healthy. I would not want him in pain.

I know that God has a plan for everything that has happened. I know that I will be able to use this experience and God will bless and bring freedom and hope to others through it. I just ask that He will give me the strength to not hide of run away (or miss) the plan He has for me.

Friday, September 18, 2009

My Family

Dad, Mom, Jessica (who now has in her tummy my nephew Grayson), Patrick, Sarah, and Hannah posing so cute at Matt and My wedding. I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!


I had the perfect pregnancy. No woman could have asked for more. No pains (until the end, then there were tons!) Joshua was born at 1pm (exactly) (a week and a half late from his actual due date) after 12 hours of labor.

He was born not breathing, heart not beating. There had been no signs of stress or problem in during the delivery. I gave birth naturally so they were constantly checking on his heartbeat. They int abated him and restarted his heart. He never opened his eyes, he never breathed on his own. His heartbeat worked sometimes on its own. We spent three days in the hospital. Waiting for my father to come and meet Joshua, then say goodbye. He had gone out of town to say goodbye to his own father and was rushing home to say goodbye to his grandson. [My heart still goes out to my dad. Dear God, I know that you bring us to our darkest places to invite us closer to you. But my dad is not closer. Please bring him freedom from his chains that he clings to. They are all he has ever known. I want him to know your joy, your peace.)

I choose to name Joshua Alan after Joshua in the Bible. He was a strong and faithful leader. He called the Israelites out when they lacked faith. I knew that Joshua would be a leader. And he was, just in a much different way then i had ever imagined. There were hundreds of people who came to meet and then say goodbye to Joshua. The NICU nurses (who I believe are angels sent fro Heaven to comfort those who are in the deepest of needs) set up a room for us next to Joshua so people could stay close to him. There were thousands of people praying from Eugene, Oregon to African Villages for the healing of our son.

My little leader, Joshua, I miss you. I miss your kicking. You were really good at karate by month nine! I missed talking to you. And feeling your life spaning out into my future. Thinkgs are so much different then I had ever imagined. I am glad that you are with Jesus. you never have to feel pain, or hurt, or your heart broken. You will never be separated from God. I am so proud of you son. SO proud. Your life changed so many. Your daddy and me think about you everyday. We are not sad always, I know you wouldn't want that. We just miss you. But we know that God is taking good care of you! I can't wait to see you again my little monkey. May you enjoy your day in Heaven. Ask God to send us some strength for today. We love you Joshua, forever.