Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Big Brother

Hey there my little man. Wow your a year in a half..already. Gosh time goes by so quickly. I know that I did not get to see you grow and learn and change but your friends down here (like Nay Nay and your cousin Grayson) are growing so quickly! I can see them learning so fast; I can imagine what seeing you grow would be like! I am so proud of you! I was looking at your pictures today again. How gorgeous you are. I am still amazed at how your daddy and I could have been blessed with such a stunning child. It is funny because I thought that I saw everything about your lovely face, hands and feet when you were born but looking at those pictures I can see things I never saw before. You had a single freckle under your left eye. And you had short eyelashes (sorry about that). Your hands were the only chubby part on your body with little double dimples everywhere. I can't wait to see you little one. I can't wait to be in Heaven and have you in my arms again. Whatever size you are! I can't wait for God to proudly show me all your wonderful accomplishments! Oh my little monkey...mommy loves you. Heart and soul.

So... daddy and I have some exciting news for you! You're gonna be a BIG BROTHER!! Yay! I am sure that you are already a wonderful big brother up there! And I am already so very proud of you. I wish you were here to feel the new baby when he/she kicks and hear their heartbeat...awh... how beautifully sweet. But I do believe that you have had a sneak peek. I bet you already know if it is a boy or girl (I am a bit jealous!) I wonder if God has told you secrets of the future! How delightful. My little monkey a part of our future forever! I am so thankful for you! Almost 12 weeks old. The baby looks kind of like a 2" alien right now. Haha. It is a good thing that it has a while to go. Alien babies might not be as welcomed into our crazy world. You were an alien baby too...two plus years ago! I have talked about you a lot over the last few weeks. Have I told you how much I love and adore you Joshua. I do.

Well, here we are again; the brink of goodbyes. I know there is no such thing now...but I always feel a little sorrow when I set this down. Thinking about you often and loving you always.


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Overcoming Worry

Worried. I have not made my first doctors apt yet. The “excuse” that I give everyone is that not going makes the time go by faster. But the truth is that I am scared. I am scared they will tell me that something is wrong with the baby: that the baby is not growing or is too small. I know that this fear is distracting. It is hard to get over. I called Friday to make an appointment and I got butterflies when I got the phone number. I had them throughout the call until the answering machine reminded me that the clinic is closed on Fridays. I don’t want to be afraid. I know God’s plans are good but they are often hard for me to understand. And there were definitely moments over the last two years that the lack of understanding cracked my heart. I want to fall in love again…but I am afraid.

So many people ask me how I am doing and how the baby is...and I don’t want to answer them. I kind of want no one to acknowledge that there is a baby growing because their recognition makes the baby real…it also makes the possibility of heartbreak real. Matt would laugh at me if he heard those thoughts. Not because he is rude but because of my belief that the non-attention would make me be less hurt. He is right. Even in my thoughts he is right. (That can be a bit annoying.) I will be hurt if something negative happens to the baby no matter what. I am already in too deep.

I know that God is good and that He loves me. I also know that I have survived a broken heart once before and if that is in my future I can do it again. Honestly, it would be worth it to me to fall head over heels in love again; even if it meant I would loose. All those precious (yet sometimes annoying) moments that I felt my little man was kicking. The moment I found out it was a boy: such a beautiful paradigm shift in my heart and mind. When I held his precious body in my arms. The pride. Yes, even if the outcome is the same…or worse… I will accept it willingly just for those moments that knocked me off my feet and made me understand unconditional love.

God, you know my heart. It is a mothers’. You have heard them before. You heard Mary’s heart cry out to you for her son. And the billions of mothers after, each pleading for your grace, hope, and favor. We all desire the same thing… the best for our children. And that is what I ask now. I ask even though it may mean sacrificing. If it is the best… if it is your best. I will say yes. Please calm my fears. Fill me with peace. I need your peace. Bless my baby. You know what I want but you want even more for him/her then I could ever imagine, teach me to be comforted in that. All I have is yours.