Faith

Faith is not the absence of fear but the continuation on the current course of action despite your fear, trusting (sometimes blindly) that God will show up and do what is needed!

Trying

I am thankful... and scared. The biggest struggle with accepting that I am afraid is the feeling of guilt. If I am scared does not that mean I am without faith. I am doubting God if there in me there is fear?

I am scared that I will wake up one morning to a dead baby. Morbid, I know. But it is true. I am scared that I will let someone watch him and come home to a tragedy. I have a million thoughts that I have to push out of my head everyday. Some moments it is much easier to push them away...other times I feel like I am choking on them.

The other day Samuel had his first big spit up. It scared me. That night as I laid him in his crib I struggled internally with the fear of him choking on his spit up while he slept. I lay in bed praying that God would calm me fears. Matt got into bed and asked what was wrong, (he always knows) I told him. He asked what I planned on doing about it. And I told him that I had been praying about it for the last 15 minutes. He laughed. "That is all that you can do."

It is hard to accept that praying is "all I can do." It seems like a cop out. I feel like I should be doing more.

The next day at bible study the topic of family came up. I am not the one in charge of my family, I am only the manager. If I try to take on the responsibility of God over my family then I forfeit the impact that I am designed to have. I am not god, nor will I ever have what he has. But if I try to take over that role then I am unable to influence my family in the manner that God has intended. But what are the roles of a manager? And what are a managers limitations. The limitations are more what I need to keep in the forefront of my mind so that I don't surrender.

I don't know God, I am trying. Please help me know...and trust.