Bitter Sweet

June 5th, 2009 at 5pm we took Joshua off life-support. We held him in our arms for the first time since his birth. He was wrapped in his little monkey blanket we had picked to bring him home in. We clearly had underestimated the home he was being brought to. 

All 7lbs 11oz of him rested perfect and precious in the arms of many who loved him as we said hello then goodbye. 

Each year I expect these days, these memories to hurt less. I am caught off guard when the don't. I suppose that is a symptom of true love separated, there is no less pain, only hope that one day I will get to see that beautiful little man again. I will get to hug him, hold him, and see him with new eyes.

Until then, I hold onto the hope of that promise. Trying to honor the gift of life & loss that God trusted us with in Joshua. 

This year was harder. Everything seemed off, I pulled away this year. I was angry. I felt much more alone. (Realizing that my feelings are not always accurate but are always real.) I think most don't want to bring up my pain in fear of causing more pain but it really is exactly what I need. I was laying in bed broken, heart bleeding and I got a text from a friend. 

"You are not alone in remembering and celebrating Joshua's life." 

With her words I felt a breathe of peace wash over me. The pain did not lessen yet my soul felt justified. My son was being honored the way every mom hopes. Someone took the time to see him. To brave the pain and honor his life. 

There are so many more birthdays I will celebrate. As the time passes some details will be forgotten. But the sheer force of love I felt for Joshua the moment Matt handed him to me... THAT I will remember with every fiber of my mind and heart til I die. There is only one love that is greater...

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only son. That who so ever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but the world through Him might be saved." John 3:16-17
"So Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many; and He will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for Him." Hebrews 9:28

Sweet little monkey, 

Mommy loves you! I bet Heaven is just the best though. I can not imagine what it is like. Daddy says hi & sends his love. Your little brother loves you too! We talk about you all the time. He was so excited to send you your birthday balloons this year. 

I miss you Joshua. I am so proud of you, always. Being brave for you. 

Love you little man.