Tidal Wave

I miss my Joshua, with my whole heart. I did not expect this. It was like a rogue wave that crashed down upon my heart with the pressure of a knife. I was managing the other waves, each ebb and flow was expected and managed. But...
3 years. 3 years later

I don't want pity. I don't want to hear that he is in a better place or that it is better this way. I KNOW THAT! SERIOUSLY. I know that my little man is in Heaven. And my sorrow is not even that I wish him here with me. I am a good momma, I want the best for him. But pain is still pain and missing someone is still real, even when you know they are in a better place. The comfort I need...well I don't think any person can really give it to me. I am afraid to even express my pain to others, I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I don't want pity or fake words. Most people don't even know how to react. Poor things, I can't drop a bomb on someone like that.

I just did not think planning Sammy's 1st birthday party would make me miss Joshua. All those precious memories that never happened...

I have two amazing boys that I will celebrate next month, 3 if you include Father's Day. I can not express my adoration at my precious men. I am so lucky, so blessed.
But for the time being I am also so very sad.


You Are My Sunshine- Johnny Cash


The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.

[Chorus]
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away




Dear God, 
Thank you for every blessing I have, even the ones I don't see as blessings. Thank you for loving my boys and trusting them to me. Please comfort us in this time. Please comfort me. We love you, trust you, give you back everything that we hold dear. Thank you. -Amen