Proof of Success

My husband told me a couple weeks ago that I believe people think higher of me then they actually do.

He was right.

Please let me first clarify that my husband is my biggest supporter. We may have only been together 7 years but we had been through more then our fair share of work. And by work I mean struggle, surrender, sacrifice, and many mistakes. We, thank God, have also been able to enjoy the great benefits of that work. Some being forgiveness, trust & honesty. And as much as I wish I was the only one correct all of the time, I am not. (Though he knows that I try!)

Back to the story. Naturally I was a bit irritated with his comment but let it pass & had not thought about it again until this morning. I was sitting thinking...well, moping on the couch waiting for the boys to wake up. I was thinking about how much I missed people from home. I missed working and the comfortable control that it brought me. I thought about how much all my relationships have changed. Then, to cheer myself up I started thinking about my visit this summer. Being able to see people made me happy. Until...I remembered how different relationships are. Dread replaced excitement. Things are different and I felt a gripping need to somehow prove that this move has been a success. I started to rehearse what I would say to the typical "how are you/what's new?" questions. I wanted to say something that showed I have grown, that I am doing something. Whoops, kids are up.

The next opportunity I had to stop & revisit my thinking was nap time. Why on earth do I care so much about what people think of me? My husband's comment was floating around my brain in a sort of pin-ball fashion. I understood his conclusion a little more. Perhaps my struggle with being this great, interesting person is more to do with me caring too much what others think & less to do with reality. I am just another person. And damn, I am selfish. I think about me ALL THE TIME! So it seems fitting that all the people who I worry about pleasing are thinking less about me and way more about themselves. That sounds like of brutal. I don't mean that people are not curious how I am doing or wish me well. But the majority of people I am worried about impressing are just as consumed with the busy of life. They are not waiting impatiently to hear from me in July when I visit. Now, I am hoping that we are able to visit and share some life but I want it to be real life. Not me, acting like I am not as messy as I really am. I do not want to just be someone that I think, they think I am. I want to me be. Just like I would want them to be them. Is not that what a real relationship is: two people who are real?

Sooooo, my goal in these next few months before visiting is to enjoy every moment of the now. To not think about what I will wear. (Seriously, this is the real me.) To not think about how I will answer the typical questions. And most of all to not think about being anyone but messy me.

And clearly I need to work on thinking less about myself.
(T'was a shameful number of "me's" in this one.)