I am having someone come and look at the dresser that I painted for Joshua. I was moving stuff out of the way so make room for the guy to look. I wonder how all this looks to an outsider. You walk up my front steps and see a evergreen tree with a little plaque with Joshua's name and hand prints and dates of life. Then you you walk in the door and in under ten steps you enter our spare room. In it is: unopened gifts, a car-seat, a stroller, a baby swing, a crib that has been taken apart, blankets and a few boxes that say baby stuff. Then in the middle of the room is the dresser. What an odd feeling people must have when they come into this room. To me this room has a forbiden quality, wrapped up with memories and a little sorrow.
We are moving. This room will be boxed up and stored. Along with it will be part of my heart. A beautiful thing about children is the moment you find out you are gonna have one, a piece of your heart is theirs. No matter how the rest of the child's life unfolds. You will never get that piece back. And honestly, I would not want to change that.
Matt and I had a good talk last night. He is such a blessing to me. He is the logic and since that I seem to lack on my hard days. He balances me when I feel like I have become a zombie. He said, that it is not Joshua or his life that makes him sad, it is what happened to him. The events of those days that cause him the most pain when he remembers. Matt said that if i can learn to separate the "events" from the actual person of Joshua, then maybe, I will not feel as sad. Logically it makes since. And I think that one day, I will be more capable to do that. I am glad that Matt can do that. It is good that he is healthy. I would not want him in pain.
I know that God has a plan for everything that has happened. I know that I will be able to use this experience and God will bless and bring freedom and hope to others through it. I just ask that He will give me the strength to not hide of run away (or miss) the plan He has for me.
WOW!!! I picture it in my head...if you don't know, what would you think??? It's a very different perspictive and very strange. I miss him and I love you and Matt lots. I am always praying for all of you :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the first time I've read your blog Crista. It's almost more then I can take. It chokes me, you know the lump in the throat, tell I can hardly breath. I'm glad your writing it though; It is beautiful... so beautiful the way you love Joshua ~ reflections of the way our Heavenly Father loves us. I still remember everything about that night...I linger over those memories when I have the strength. I cherish those memories; they are so precious to me. Priceless, when I’m strongest I actually embrace them....
ReplyDeleteTry to understand your Matthew sweetie; he is a man after all. It might sound a bit cliché, but they really aren’t the same as we are… He didn’t have the blessing of really getting the chance to know Joshua the way you did. Never felt him kicking, not the way you did. Joshua wasn’t within him every second, growing and communicating to him the way he was with you momma, in his own little monkey ways. Matthew’s breasts never longed to feed him the way yours did...try instead, while you two perfectly matched people grow and learn together through this to always remember as much good as you can. He is forever wonderful in your mother’s eyes, okay not perfect, but oh I will 'always' respect the way he took care of my little girl during and after labor… (Your dad was nowhere close to that mature at his age) When I watched him say he wouldn't eat until you got off the phone with one of the many ‘arrangements’ that had to be made, and could eat too; Oh man, what can I say, he wouldn’t even ‘eat’ until his bride could ~And you know there is a lot more to that story~ That’s your boy!!! He is I know so often, just a man, but you have got a good one girlie. I am glad we gave you to him, treat him with all the reverence and honor you can and you will have one amazing love story to look back on.