I put my....trust

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

reminders
like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen


note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.