Watching

I am a spectator in a sport that I should be playing. I am sitting on my bench and cheering for my teammates who are out on the field. They come to take a break on the sidelines and I stand up so they can rest in my seat. I high five them when the game is over because they led the team to victory. Or I pat them on the back when they fought a good fight and lost... But I am always on the sidelines. Sometimes (if I am really lucky) I will get to catch the ball because it comes out of bounds. But I am not in the game. Only a spectator. The worst part about being benched is that win or loose... I am still invited, even encouraged to come to the next game. Where I will inevitably be sitting on the sidelines. Waiting, Wishing, Cheering on my teammates.

That I how I felt today at a dear little girls 3rd birthday. She is one of two children of friends of Matt and mine. There were many little children from age 7 and down. Two pregnant women. Dads and moms all laugh and chatting while watching their children pray and run to them and show a new toy. All the men on the couches and I sat in a chair. All the mothers took their little ones outside to look in the barn. I sat inside. While the all the guys talked sports. Stuck in between two worlds that I don't belong. I am not one of the guys. I am sure they found my presence to be somewhat annoying. And I do not belong with the mothers. Ya, sure... they would have been nice to me, tried to talk to me but they would be wanting to play/ explore/ watch their children. I was seriously out of place.

It is hard having friends who have children because we don't have any. We are always the single couple who doesn't quite fit in. Who are not running after a little one and telling him/her to listen or behave. We are not having our child interrupt our conversation just so he/she can give us a hug or show us something new they have learned. We are the ones who can stay up late and sleep in.

I am a spectator at a sport that I really want to play. I feel like I am ready to play. But have not been given a starting position. I wonder how long I will be on the sidelines. How long I will be watching. Yes I am young and most of our.friends are in their late 20's early 30's. But I still feel overlooked. Unnoticed talent. Or even worse; talent that has been recognized but not utilized


Dear God,
Even you had a son. You got to play and talk and love on him. I want a child. Please give me the patience that I need to wait on your plans for me. Please make Matt ready. Please give us the opportunity to play the game and not just have to watch it wishing for out of bounds balls to come our way. I need your healing and grace today, tomorrow, and forever. Please take care of me like you are taking care of my little man. I love you. I give you all I am and all my praise. Be glorified oh Lord. May your eyes smile with pride upon your little girl as she surrenders and leans into you. Bless us.In your son's name...Amen