180 Degrees

When I found out I was pregnant with Joshua I burst into tears and continued to weep for the rest of the night. I was shocked and could not imagine the plans God had for me. It was not til the next morning that I could really begin to accept that God had different plan for me then I had for myself. HaHa!

I recently experienced a one eighty in that department. I was six days late this month. Six days is huge for someone who is as regular as the sunrise. For example the only time I was late in my life was when we found out I was pregnant with Joshua.

I had some mixed emotions as each day ticked by. Yes, I was slightly frightened but mostly... I was excited! My emotions made no since. Matt has no job. In fact he plans on going back to school in the fall. We live with my grandmother. I make barely enough money to pay our current bills. We have a little bit of debt. All of our circumstances prove that right now would be a terrible time to have a baby. And yet I was not afraid. All I could think about is how wonderful it would be. Vainly enough the only things that disappointed me about the possibility of being pregnant was that my "skinniness" (I have worked super hard for the last few months) would be gone. I would also miss Matt and my "one on one" relationship. But other then that all the fear and worry of our situational reality did not matter a bit. I think that my confidence came from my past experience. My son died... but God was there. He was holding my hand the whole time. Whispering in my ear, telling me to rest in him, telling me that He had a plan, telling me that my son was going to change lives. God showed up and proved that he can turn brokenness, whole again. That the blind can see. I still hear and see the influence that our son has had on our lives and the lives of others. Another beautiful result is others seeing the peace that Matthew and I have even during our sorrow. There is nothing else in the world as powerful as a life that has experienced God's designed brokenness. Because most people who have been though brokenness have then experienced God's pre-planned healing. Which, though still painful and difficult, places value and honor on the experience and gives it meaning which in turn heals.

All that to say... I was excited to be late! Yet I am a terrible secret keeper and keeping a secret like this from Matt is impossible. So in my own wiggly overstimulated way I mentioned to him how I was late. His response was mostly silent with a nod and "Ok". Day six my wait was over. I was not pregnant. Disappointment is the main emotion that overcame me. The emotion was surprisingly overwhelming. It was not until Matthew pointed out my bad attitude and asked "why" that I recognized that I was truly sorry I was not pregnant. Matt's response to my revelation was "Really!? We are in such a bad place for a baby." I shrugged my shoulder and only the tears rolling off my cheeks answered him. He hugged me. What a good man. I am sure in his mind he was thanking God that I did not get what I wanted and rolling his eyes at my tears. Still wishing I was wrong I took a pregnancy test because I was hoping that I was wrong. Guess what...the test was negative.

Yes, now is not the time. But I am excitedly awaiting the day that God allows me to have a baby; if he gives me that opportunity. I want his plans. And even though it is hard to not know the future I would not have it anyway. I don't want to know my future failures: depressing. I don't want to know my future joys; it would make me ungrateful. I think it is one of the sweet ways that God shows his desire for us. He wants us to seek him. So that we bring him our hopes, fears, dreams, and worries. So that we, as overconfident human beings, we recognize our need for the creator of the universe.

I have a deeper trust in God because of the truth that was given me.



ON a completely different note:
I saw a person through the eyes of God today. I have been asking God for more compassion for his people. And the person that I saw does not deserve to be forgiven, has cheated, broken hearts, done drugs, etc... and yet I looked over at him at the dinner table and saw a broken, hurting, starving man. Yes, he is still choosing to live a life of brokenness and pain. But deep down he wants more. He wants to be better but does not believe he is worthy of love or true forgiveness. And he is not...excepting the incredible forgiveness and power of Christ Jesus' bloody death on a tree. It hurt physically and in my soul to see this man through the eyes of Christ. I was left with the thought: "What now? What do I do with this view God? How do I love him so he knows you love him?"

God, please help me see others like you do more often. Help me be bold and do what you call me to do. Thank you for your grace you have had with me. Please free Kathy and Bill from the chains of the enemy that are choking them. Please God. In your anointed son's name. Amen.