Overcoming Worry

Worried. I have not made my first doctors apt yet. The “excuse” that I give everyone is that not going makes the time go by faster. But the truth is that I am scared. I am scared they will tell me that something is wrong with the baby: that the baby is not growing or is too small. I know that this fear is distracting. It is hard to get over. I called Friday to make an appointment and I got butterflies when I got the phone number. I had them throughout the call until the answering machine reminded me that the clinic is closed on Fridays. I don’t want to be afraid. I know God’s plans are good but they are often hard for me to understand. And there were definitely moments over the last two years that the lack of understanding cracked my heart. I want to fall in love again…but I am afraid.

So many people ask me how I am doing and how the baby is...and I don’t want to answer them. I kind of want no one to acknowledge that there is a baby growing because their recognition makes the baby real…it also makes the possibility of heartbreak real. Matt would laugh at me if he heard those thoughts. Not because he is rude but because of my belief that the non-attention would make me be less hurt. He is right. Even in my thoughts he is right. (That can be a bit annoying.) I will be hurt if something negative happens to the baby no matter what. I am already in too deep.

I know that God is good and that He loves me. I also know that I have survived a broken heart once before and if that is in my future I can do it again. Honestly, it would be worth it to me to fall head over heels in love again; even if it meant I would loose. All those precious (yet sometimes annoying) moments that I felt my little man was kicking. The moment I found out it was a boy: such a beautiful paradigm shift in my heart and mind. When I held his precious body in my arms. The pride. Yes, even if the outcome is the same…or worse… I will accept it willingly just for those moments that knocked me off my feet and made me understand unconditional love.

God, you know my heart. It is a mothers’. You have heard them before. You heard Mary’s heart cry out to you for her son. And the billions of mothers after, each pleading for your grace, hope, and favor. We all desire the same thing… the best for our children. And that is what I ask now. I ask even though it may mean sacrificing. If it is the best… if it is your best. I will say yes. Please calm my fears. Fill me with peace. I need your peace. Bless my baby. You know what I want but you want even more for him/her then I could ever imagine, teach me to be comforted in that. All I have is yours.