I wonder...

I wonder what Samuel will look like?

Most people, when they have children, have memories of when their child was born that slowly fade. They are reminded of them when they look back at baby pictures. But their memories are not limited to their child's first days on earth. They get to watch them grow up. So along with the first memories they have a thousand more. On top of that they also see their child in the present. So if they do have another child the parents usually look back on old pictures to see if their children look alike in their infancy.

I have a different view. My only memories of my first son are when he was an infant. I have no other memories to distract my first ones. When I think of Joshua I see him as a little baby.

So the last few weeks I have been very curious what Samuel will look like. Will he look like Joshua? If he does, I will be able to see it right away. What if he looks completely different? I am nervously curious to find out.

I wonder what it will be like bringing Samuel home?

Now this question is more complicated. My paradigm ("a typical example or pattern of something: a model") of what it is like to have a baby is MUCH different then most people. Most people know that after you push out the baby you get to hold it and cuddle it. Then you feed and wash it. Then you take it home...of at least I assume that is what happens. I don't know because what happens when I have a baby is much different. When I have a baby the baby is set on my tummy for a second then whisked out of the room. I don't see the baby for a few hours and when I do he is hooked up to a dozen machines. I don't actually hold the baby til the third day when we take him off the machines. Then after holding him, I awkwardly put him back down and walk out of the room. What happens to him after that I can only assume. Then we leave the hospital. We go home empty handed.

Those are all the "physical" things that happen. The "emotion" things are much more intense. I sure in hell know the emotions of loosing a baby; but I have NO clue what so ever what it is like emotionally to keep one. What will that be like? I have heard so many people's personal stories of what it was like when they brought their babies home; but I can not help think that despite some of their similarities that my experience will be somewhat different. Or maybe not. I am about to find out I guess.

Pregnancy is kind of like deja vu; cause I know most of these feelings. And labor will probably have a similar aftertaste but what I am most interested in is what is will be like to have...to keep a baby. Is my house ready? Am I missing anything? These are questions that I never had a chance to figure out last time. So in part this is kind of my first child because he will be the one who I experience all my "firsts" with. First bath, first tooth, first allnighter...

I wonder...

I want.

I want to be a momma. I chatted with Matt about it yesterday while at Walmart... lol he is not ready yet. Maybe next year.

God, I want to be a good mother. It scares and excites me all at once. Please allow us the gift of a baby. God please allow us the provision to be able to support a child. Please give Matt a new job or purpose so that he can help support our family. And may your will be done with my job opportunities. In you we place our trust.

-Amen

Remembering

I had the perfect pregnancy. No woman could have asked for more. No pains (until the end, then there were tons!) Joshua was born at 1pm (exactly) (a week and a half late from his actual due date) after 12 hours of labor.

He was born not breathing, heart not beating. There had been no signs of stress or problem in during the delivery. I gave birth naturally so they were constantly checking on his heartbeat. They int abated him and restarted his heart. He never opened his eyes, he never breathed on his own. His heartbeat worked sometimes on its own. We spent three days in the hospital. Waiting for my father to come and meet Joshua, then say goodbye. He had gone out of town to say goodbye to his own father and was rushing home to say goodbye to his grandson. [My heart still goes out to my dad. Dear God, I know that you bring us to our darkest places to invite us closer to you. But my dad is not closer. Please bring him freedom from his chains that he clings to. They are all he has ever known. I want him to know your joy, your peace.)

I choose to name Joshua Alan after Joshua in the Bible. He was a strong and faithful leader. He called the Israelites out when they lacked faith. I knew that Joshua would be a leader. And he was, just in a much different way then i had ever imagined. There were hundreds of people who came to meet and then say goodbye to Joshua. The NICU nurses (who I believe are angels sent fro Heaven to comfort those who are in the deepest of needs) set up a room for us next to Joshua so people could stay close to him. There were thousands of people praying from Eugene, Oregon to African Villages for the healing of our son.

My little leader, Joshua, I miss you. I miss your kicking. You were really good at karate by month nine! I missed talking to you. And feeling your life spaning out into my future. Thinkgs are so much different then I had ever imagined. I am glad that you are with Jesus. you never have to feel pain, or hurt, or your heart broken. You will never be separated from God. I am so proud of you son. SO proud. Your life changed so many. Your daddy and me think about you everyday. We are not sad always, I know you wouldn't want that. We just miss you. But we know that God is taking good care of you! I can't wait to see you again my little monkey. May you enjoy your day in Heaven. Ask God to send us some strength for today. We love you Joshua, forever.