Definition: A person who is struggling through strong and intense emotions. While trying to cope and manage these emotion they also have to balance a relationship with another who is dealing with their own set of similarly complicated and forceful emotions. When a couple is unable to address or understand(or choose not to try) the other's state of emotion then the resulting mess is a war zone. Now there are two hurting, confused people who have no one to rely upon on. Typically these war zones are within marriages. And I would dare to assume that many broken hearts came from struggles that were not supported and protected by their significant other. If you can not trust your spouse with your deepest and most vulnerable thoughts and feelings then your intimacy levels will slowly break down. I can assume that most women who are married or have been married will agree with this statement. And even admit that it has happened to them. But I would like to be so bold to say that this is not just a "female" thing. Men also experience the disastrous effects of emotions that are not protected by their wives. Men, I know that you don't want to admit it, are vulnerable too. They may have a different vulnerability then women (women are MUCH more open about it). But it is there. Men struggle with thoughts of inadequacy just as much as anyone else. Men are afraid. The greatest difference is that they are not only not encouraged to admit it but also come equipped naturally with more pride. (Pride is not a bad thing, what would we do if our strong men did not have it? We would have a bunch of Nancy's on our hands. No winning wars and foraging for food would have happened)
So, two struggling people each not admitting the truth to the other. Or one is admitting the truth and the other is not trying to comfort them. There are a hundred reasons why someone would choose to not comfort their hurting counter-part but the main one is fear. How can someone comfort another successfully when they too are hurting? So their natural response is going to be to shrug off the other's hurt (perhaps even belittle it) so that they can stop thinking about their own. They are afraid of the hurt that they harbor in their own heart.
It honestly makes me cry. This kind of behavior ruins marriages. It ruins parent-child relationships. It crushes the very spirit of trust that we all long for. Each of us desperately wants to trust another. Trust allows us freedom from the fear of being rejected. We all know the feelings of rejection. Some of us have tried to become numb to that feeling. In doing so we stop trusting. Because every time you choose to trust someone you are giving them the opportunity to take the things that are most valuable to you and crush them...and even crush you. But when we are allowed to share our thoughts and feelings with another and they cherish them we are given such an amazing feeling of acceptance and comfort. We are validated as a person. We are valued and so are our struggles. Our relationships become stronger and more intimate...safer. What is safe? "Buttoned up, cherished, free from danger, guarded, home-free, intact,maintained, out of harms way, preserved, safeguarded, sheltered, shielded, unassailable, and unthreatened. " Does that not sound AWESOME! I would love to feel that way! Could you imagine what it would be like if you felt that way? Is this not what we strive for. We are constantly setting up our situations so that the outcome is "safe". This is what relationships are suppose to foster. But due to the sad state of our world many times relationships are viewed as a means to an end. There are things that are "wanted" and the we have to try to manipulate what we want from the other. Often times we try to manipulate the feeling of safety. We check our loved ones mail, e-mail, phone, ect...all to try to feel secure they are not cheating on us. We do chores for them in order to secure that they will stay with us or even as a trade so that they will do something for us. Like: I will do dishes so then my husband will have to take out the trash. Yet, all the while as we try to mold ourselves into a world that is secure we are actually doing the opposite. We are like the first two of the "three little pigs", building our house of straw and sticks; all the while knowing that the enemy is much stronger then some flimsy straw and damn sticks. We need bricks! Hard, strong, impenetrable bricks that are mortared together around us. Manipulation will result in a straw house...maybe a stick house depending upon the personality of your spouse or even how clever your manipulation skills are. But ultimately what you are putting your security in is not real. And there will come a day that your facade of security will be blown down around you. The only thing that will keep you from that devastating day is a house of brick. If you have ever seen a brick house being built you know that it is ALOT of work. Long hours, tired arms, and everything is done...one brick at a time. Nothing can be "pre-assembled" because you need it to be perfectly straight. Everything has to be expertly placed. And if there is a brick that is not flush the integrity of the structure is compromised. So if one is wrong it has to be taken up and re-laid. Yet all of this work is highly valuable. Have you ever seen a city after a flood? Or even an earthquake? What buildings are still standing? Now there may have been some structural damage but the building is STILL standing. Don't you want to still be standing after a disaster in your life? Don't you want your relationship to be still standing after a crisis? Well, the only way to have that is to put in the work to make it. Brick by brick. Choosing to be vulnerable to them. Being willing to set aside your fear and experience their hurt with them. To offer them a safe place to be loved and accepted. To not over react when what they are struggling with has the potential to hurt you. OH and most of all...you have to choose to let them do all this for you. You have to share your fears, hurts, worries, and deepest emotions. Because a two sided house may help against frontal attacks but does nothing when you are surprised by something coming from behind.
Where did this all come from, you may be curiously wondering. Well, this is round two for Matthew and I. We are having another baby. Due in 11 days. We lost our first. And feeling afraid is an understatement to what I am really feeling. On top of all the baby worries I am faced with the biggest fear...pain. How will I manage the pain? How will I make it through. The only way I did it last time was Matthew. He helped me make it. He kept me safe and focused. And now I have to trust that he will do that again. Did I mention that I am not so good at the "trust" thing? So we have been arguing about everything these last few weeks. The undercurrent of emotion is very strong right now. And I think that I argue with him to keep him at bay. Which is stupid because what I really need is him close to me. I think maybe I am seeing if he will all of a sudden meet my needs despite my arguing. My thoughts are: "well if he handles this situation right, then I know he will be their for me in labor." HAHA Can anyone say foolish. That is me trying to manipulate a response from him. What really needs to happen has nothing to do with Matt. It has to do with me. I have to choose to trust him. I can not expect him to prove himself before so then "I know" I will be taken care of. Damn. A few more days to choose trust and not fear. Oh, the fear will still be there (cause labor hurts like hell!) but I have to choose to know that Matt will be who I need him to be. But one thing that I do have going for me...is the past. Matt was everything I needed last time I went through labor. So I am lucky here, I have some history that should give my trust a boost.
Hmmm... history. So we can build up a storehouse of trust to lean upon when we are in our deepest moments of fear. We can rely on the past actions of another to spur trust in the present.
