Perspective

I have unconsciously been living under the assumption that being an "adult" would be...better, easier.  I can only hope that I am not alone in this. When I was child I was excited to grow up so that I could eat whatever I wanted & stay up late. When I was a teenager the reasons blended more along the lines of so I can do what I want and when I was 20 it was so I could be married & not alone. Now here I am, an adult, and I am not happy about it!  Why did I not pay attention to the adults around me more when I was young. Surely I could have seen the stress & strain on their faces. Perhaps I could have even perceived the internal struggle for meaning that we all seem to face at one time or another. Maybe I would have enjoyed being a child a bit more. But alas, I was not quite as observant as I now wish. Yet I suppose that it would have not changed a darn thing. *deep sigh* because here I sit struggling with all of the weight of being an adult.

(Talk about a depressing introduction! It gets better...I think) *wink*

Moving away from all that I have ever known to a place completely foreign has caused my confidence to be shaken. Please wait a second before you judge, I will explain I promise.
I was married to a man (though infuriating at times) whom I loved with all my heart. I was the mother of a wonderful son and I had the best job ever. We had enough money to pay the bills & play a little. Yet we were not quite who we were suppose to be. Which is a very vague way of saying that we were no longer growing, no longer excelling in life. We were comfortable. Sooo, we made the decision to move. I knew the moment that Matt's parents moved to Texas that we would eventually follow and follow we have. So we left our comfortable home, jobs & security and drove our way into a world filled with endless change. There lies my frustration. Adult life was suppose to be easy. It was suppose to, suppose to... well I don't know. It was suppose to be less work.

But it seems that ALL I have been doing lately is work. Mostly working on figuring out what on earth is wrong with me. Jokingly & seriously. What the heck is wrong with me? Moving was something that I completely believed in. I knew that it would be good. I knew that getting away from the things holding us back in Eugene would be a good thing. So why, why, why am I so sad & frustrated?

(Proving that you never EVER stop learning, growing & being told what to do)

Here are my reasons for my sad frustration:

I have just made a few of the biggest changes you can make in your life, at once. I moved across country, I quit my job & became a stay-at-home mom. So number 1, 2 & 3 this is natural. I am struggling through finding myself in a place I have never been; while staying at home & seeking gratification from working not with a hundred people but 1, 20 month year old little boy (who can not talk).  #4. Other then the natural fact that being at home is difficult I have added to it a personality that has forever thrived on verbal affirmation from others. One of the reasons that I loved & excelled in my former job was because I was working with people who knew me. My boss knew my personality. For those who have never had the privilege of working with leader who paid attention to what made you tick then used that knowledge to help you grow into a better employee & person... Well I sure hope you have the opportunity. What that means is I was in an environment that was not perfect but still allowed me to be fulfilled as a person. I saw that I was appreciated, I heard that I was appreciated & I received gratification every time I helped meet a customers needs. All that to say...those needs are not being met any longer. At least not in a way that I can easily derive hope, encouragement & joy from. I constantly feel like I am failing as a mother. Oh surprise there right? (Ever mother in the world just inwardly nodded). Though these feelings are not unusual for me they used to be balanced by the success that I had is my business life. Since that balance has shifted I am left drowning in the struggles of being a mother without tangible results that bring confidence.

I am not a fool, so please don't assume that I don't get joy from being at home, I do. I love being at home with Sammy. It just requires me to change, grow & work. Really work. Work at who, why, & how I will get Sammy from a toddler to a strong, wise, confident young man who has a great & positive impact upon the world. Ya, that is kind of a big deal. Can you see how my struggle could cause a bit of confusion or frustration?
Not to mention how I am used to adult interactions and now am confined to the adorable ramblings of a little mister. Oh the power of conversation. You don't realize how much you miss it until you are in the living room replying to your toddler's "maw ta baw bot me da ta ja ma da da" with "oh ya, I totally agree with you Sam. That is very interesting. What else do you think about that car?" (That was a real conversation we had today. And it was only one of the 100 we had)

#5. Life does not stop just because you need it to. Or perhaps a better way to say that is... bills don't stop because you need them to. I only want a month off. Just one month. Come on, not too much to ask. Oh right, adulthood. :-) I like to have money. As if that is a confusing thought. And not having money is...different. I have $5.00 in my wallet at the moment. I have had that same $5.00 for two weeks. (Record time if you ask me) And I have almost spent it, oh lets say, one hundred times in the past week. Give or take 10 or 15 times of course. I have had a paying job for the last 10 years. So to now give up the ability to make/have money is a BIG change. We all know that money holds tightly to our self worth. Our ability to run to the store and by a candy bar or go to the mall and get a shirt is a privilege that we hold as a right. And when we can not do that for whatever reason we feel trapped. Frustrated by the lack of control we feel many of us go shopping with money we don't have or should not be spending. The feeling of control...we have to have it. Even if it is only an illusion that is paid for by a credit card. An illusion of control is the second best thing to having control.
So no money, for me, is a struggle. It means I have to re-evaluate what brings me joy. If it is money then I am disappointed with myself. And if I am unable to find joy in walks with my son then gosh I am glad that my wallet had only $5.00 because clearly I have some priorities that need to be adjusted & pride that needs to be burned away.

Sigh. Whoever said, "You live & learn"was surely not kidding. This is only the very surface of the learning that living is forcing upon me.
But in reality I really am pleased that I am struggling my way through these tough subjects. I want to be a better person. I want to be a better mother. I want strength that does not rely upon where I am, who I am speaking to or what money is in my wallet. I want to be the kind of person that smiles because that is what is inside. I have been needing hard lessons that force me to face myself. How often do we truely look at who we are & what makes us tick. How often do we judge ourselves and then DO something that causes us to change. Being an adult is WAY more work then I anticipated but it has some amazing perks. And being a stay-at-home mother is a huge struggle but with effort & perseverance (plus lots of reading, learning, growing and the not-so-occational call/text to a friend) it is not only possible but an absolute certainty that I will be a 65 year old woman who is so outrageously proud of the man my son is.

Ya, why don't we just forget this whole post... I will struggle through anything that is needed if that last sentence comes true.

Silly me! Talk about a loss of focus.

Ahh... it is all about perspective.

How is your perspective doing? :-)