Mid-May seems to frequently catch me off guard. I am going about my business without thought of time, getting excited for summer. Then Mother's Day happens.
I am so abundantly blessed with Samuel. There are moments that he makes me laugh like I haven't laughed before. He drives me crazy with his independent spirit while simultaneously making me so outrageously proud. Then there are moments where I look at him and all I feel is love. A love that overwhelms my human understanding & capabilities. I think, I think those moments are God-love moments, selfless & captivating.
I wonder at my life sometimes. The plan that God has placed on it is so different then what I could have ever imagined. I was 22 when we lost Joshua; 21 when I became a mother. I look in the mirror at this me and I still see that girl. Hair a bit darker, not so paste-y skin (thanks Texas!) and I am sure a few more wrinkles, though I can't really see them. 4 years and so much has changed yet so much stays the same.
How can you miss someone you only knew for a few days. I guess that is not fair. I knew Joshua since his first kick then 24 weeks along and the ultra-sound lady tells me, "It's a Boy!" It's hard to explain how a baby in-utero can have a personality...but they do. Joshua had character. He made me laugh with his wild kicks and annoyed me with his late night workouts. He knew my heartbeat and I knew his.
I have a friend who I met shortly after Joshua went to heaven. She had a son who was born a week and a half before mine. She is amazing. I have had the unique privilege to be around her & her first born son for most of his life. It is not unusual for me to see this little man and imagine mine doing similar things. Strange as it may seem I have only received encouragement when looking at her little guy. His passion for life, vigor & endless personality makes me laugh & wonder who Joshua would have been like at this age. I think... I know that one (of the many) reasons that I was gifted with this friend is because God is good to me. He knows my heart & knows that I needed this little spirit to visualize my little monkey. I do not think of Joshua without thinking of Malakai. Malakai means "my messenger" or "my angel."
My current sorrow is not because I wish things were different. It is because love is as strong as it is real. Life can be given & taken away but love lasts when all else fails. My love is imperfect & often selfish but it is still love. Love in its depth of feeling & truth holds you tight to another person forever. I am proud of my Joshua. I am thankful that God trusted me with him. I am amazed at what he has taught me. And I am sad because I know it may be a while until I get to see my monkey again.
Observation: My sorrow in missing Joshua always ends at the same place. It always ends with me being more happy then sad that he is in Heaven. He is free from everything in this world that can hurt. It does not matter how selfish I am, if that's the best (which it is) then that is what I want for him. I can not help but be thankful that God sought to bring him home sooner then expected. We have all been away from home. It can be fun at first but after a short while it is the only thing that will satisfy.
Darling 4 year old Joshua,
Happy Birthday big boy! I love you sweetie! Hope your day is celebrated with the most fun ever! We will sure be celebrating you down here! Double party :-) Keep watch for our love notes. We are all so very proud of the little man you are. We miss you. We will see you soon.
I love you monkey, with all my heart forever.
<3 mommy="" p="">
No comments:
Post a Comment