Slot Machine Brain

This last few months has been filled with seemingly endless adjustments. The biggest one was going from working away from home to working only at home. It has been a pretty large challenge for me as I have explained before. The transition from talking to many other people to just myself has been a hard one. There are many complications when you are left to reason within yourself. I was thinking about this as I was on a walk with Sammy today. I was pushing him on his bike. My mind was twirling like a slot machine; turning many ideas over quickly in my head then landing on one for deeper thought. I looked down at Sam and he was quietly looking around. I wondered if he was thinking about anything. What would it be? How would his mind see it? I know that I am thinking in words; do he think in pictures? Or is he like every guy I know and enjoying the luxury of thinking about nothing. I honestly can not comprehend that. If I am not on purposely thinking of something I am unconsciously doing so. And I know that I am no alone in this, hello ladies, you know!
Thinking of course is not bad, usually. For me it is the amount of time that I am left to myself that causes my struggle. When I worked in retail I was bound to get some negative customers in the day. Some were quite awful. After they left I would often express my frustration to my co-workers and they would settle me down. The length of time I would be bothered was short. When I was constructively critisied (not my favorite thing) it hurt & I focused my energy on changing what was needed but I could still come home and Matt would help me see the truth and level my thinking. Yet now that I am at home the only real critic I have is myself. You know how hard it is to give yourself grace? To find purpose in the things you do (or don't do) during the day? Chores around the house get done; Sammy is taken care of & played with. Both of these things can be done while I my brain is slot machine-ing its way through a hundred topics that range from sadness to joy & EVERYTHING in between. I can recall a great memory and the next thought can be how sad I feel. What on earth?! You see the problem? Everyone knows that the odds of winning a slot machine is low. I am gambling with my sanity, or so it seems.
Before after working I would then come home, play with Sam, make dinner, bath & put Sam to bed, then "rest" while doing laundry or dishes. My days were jam-packed with To-Do's and people to please. I guess I never had any time to just be. I never learned how to organize my time because I had so little of it that it cam pre-organized. Now I am seeing value in the things that I thought were little.  Its a big change in perspective. I always knew that stay-at-home mommas did more work then me. Their struggles were always bigger then mine, I could feel it. Now that I am one of them I can see the struggles don't just land on taking care of the children.
I suppose that does not make a world of since, or any. I guess my point is more how hard it is to adjust into this new role. I expected it to be hard but not because I would have endless time to think. I have to struggle through how to manage Sammy's time: how to teach, when to play, where to go then hold it all up and see why it is I am doing what I am doing. I was young when my mother was at home with me and was definitely not paying attention to how she managed us and the time. There was a standard that I could meet when I worked at an away from home joy. There is no standard at home. The expectations are those that Matt & I agree to cultivate. It was easier when they were laid out for me.
Think. Think. Think... I am such a To-Do-er that I don't really know how to turn that off and just live.