Thought-nado.

I am finally sitting down to write. The house is quiet except for the Sam's sound machine. I am thankful that it is nap time, thankful for the cup of warm coffee next to me & thankful for the sound of my fingers hitting the computer keys.
I admit I feel guilty. It has been along time since I have written; not because I do not have things to say, but because I used "I'm busy" to justify not facing my fear & doing what I love. Yes, I am busy. Watching 3 or 4 children each day, 5 days a week, housework, laundry, teaching, playing, park time, walks, shopping, family time, food prep... we are all busy. Yet using it as an excuse to not set aside time to do this...well that is my fear in action.
If someone was to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, what I would do if I could do anything, I would answer, Write. However it turned out, looked like, or accomplished I would want to turn the swirling tornado of thoughts in my mind (a thought-nado, if you will) into little black symbols. Neatly arranged on a white page, in a stack for another to pick up & ponder.
The trouble with having a passion (dream) is...
IT IS WORK.
Working to face the fear of failure, judgment and even success. Work, as in action, as in denying myself something now in favor of the future.
So here I sit with a computer on my lap, guiltily tapping away. Mentally charting a plan so I don't have to feel this again. Knowing I wasted 45 minutes of nap time trying to convince myself to do the work. And dreading the thought that in order to really write I have to allow my swirling thoughts to consume me, to wash away the fear of what others will think, of the guilt and let go of myself.

SO... (I don't even want to write the words)

Here goes.