Remember Me

When we first lost Joshua...those days in the hospital and the 6 weeks that followed...we were under the rich covering and grace of God. I think that He shielded us from the fullness of the hurt and pain that loosing Joshua entailed. For whatever reason, maybe to just be able to get out of bed, we needed it. But now I think that God has lessened his shield. The emotions and thoughts that I am having are huge. Bigger then those I felt in the hospital or any time after. Beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life. Bigger then any tangible or explainable sensation. I think back on all the times where I felt like I was drowning. Those times I was floating in a life raft in the ocean. Now I am without the life raft. Just me treading water in the ocean. It is very scary. I was telling m mother in-law how nervous I am to experience the next two weeks. I am nervous because the size of the emotions that wash over me are crushing. Breaking my bones with each blow. There are moments of silence between the blows. But every blow knocks me down.

I feel bad for Matthew. What a horrific experience for him, for any man. He is unable to be my protector in this. I am sure he feels like he is failing in some way. Yes he gets to be one of my comforters...but he can not protect me from any pain. He can not stop the blows that are overwhelming me. He just gets to wait anxiously for them to come and pray like hell that they pass quickly. I hope that God touches you Matthew. You are not failing. You are not failing me.

I can not stop thinking about those days in the hospital. I know every detail by heart. I remember so much. Most of all I remember how much I loved my baby. "Maybe's" fill my head. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe it would have been different if I had had a c-section, maybe it would have been easier if I had not picked him up. Maybe...maybe...maybe... But of course I know deep inside me that those are just silly questions. I know the answer. In a perfect world Matthew and I would have Joshua right now. We would be planning a first birthday party. We would see a bright future. But we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a broken, hurting, corrupt, angry, bitter world. Joshua is in Heaven. We are on Earth. And we now have experienced brokenness. And God, who knows and formed our hearts, has chosen us to go out and love on the hurting. I know why God wants the broken to comfort the broken...cause broken people don't want to be pitied, they want to be understood. I understand now. Because the peace that I have despite all my brokenness can only be found in GOD. There is no other person, drug, thing. Money will not heal, more babies will not heal. Only God can heal broken hearts. So I will weep with those who have lost and share the one who has helped me through many tearful nights... I wonder what else God has in store for me to do?

God, what are we suppose to be learning? You know. We don't. ONE year. You have had Joshua with you longer then I had him with me. Is the hurt and pain I feel reasonable or am I just being weak. Am I suppose to take it hard or take it easy. You know me, you made me. I need people but don't want to be needy. I want help but don't want to be helpless. I want to be loved but not pitied. I seem to be living my own set of contradictions. I know that I will get through this. I know that you have a plan and purpose for Matthew and my life. I know that you love me. I know that you are good. I know that whatever happens, even the worst thing imaginable, you will be my rock and strength and portion. I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD. Help me remember. Help me not be afraid to feel. I am terrified. It hurts so much. I miss so deeply. You know how I feel. Help. Remember me. Help. Remember me. Help. Please don't forget me.

Ambivalence

My sister had her baby. November 18th 2009. A beautiful, handsome, breathing baby boy. His name is Charles Greyson P. But he goes by Greyson. I was able to be at the hospital when Jess was going through all the labor and deliver. It was interesting. I passed by my hospital room every time I was walking to hers. And her mother/baby room was two down from where mine was. It was a strange few days.

Jess amazed us all. If she knows that of not I am unsure but she was so strong!! They ended up choosing a c-section because of multiple factors. Which I think was a really good choice. I did not realize how truly difficult if would be to watch my little sister in so much pain. The hardest part, for me, was the hour of surgery that Jess had to endure. No family except her fiance was aloud int eh room, then we would be unable to see her and the baby for two hours. Talk about a nightmare. I went home for those three hours. I stepped into my house and looked for something to do...dishes, putting the laundry in the dryer, vacuuming, cleaning up my room... i was frustrated and starting to run around when Matt (who was reading the paper at the dining room table) asked my to come sit down. It was not until Matt stood up, held my shoulders, and told me I was going to sit with him and relax that I understood why I was so frantically looking for something to do. My little sister was in an operating room with her new son and I had no idea how it would end. Would it look like how our lives did on June 3 at 1pm? Would I loose my sister? Would she loose her baby boy too? I told Matt how scared I was, I think that I cried when I told him. He said... "What is your worrying going to do? Can you will them to live? No, you need to let it go and pray." Honestly...my first thought was... NO. Ha, but when you talk to God; in any attitude. that is considered praying. So my next words to God were...I don't know if I would be able to still love you if I lost my sister.... And then I sat and Matt relaxed me a little. I took a shower and I walked out to a text from my mother (who I imagine had been much more worried then I) telling me all was well.

I got to meet Greyson a few hours later. I held him for a minute. Then the nurses came in and chatted with Jessica. Then one turned to me and said, "I am sorry about your loss." I had had a pretty good hold on myself up until that moment. And I walked out. I could not hide my broken heart anymore. I test a friend, who was sweet & she prayed for me. I did the best to compose myself and then said goodbye to Jess and went home and took a nap.

I could not help being proud of my little nephew and showed his picture off that night at church. I spoke with my pastor and I told him how I was doing, full of joy yet held under a shadow. He the explained to me the meaning of Ambivalence. It means to be attracted to something yet at the same time being repelled by it. Ha...that seems to be my life right now.

It is hard. The holiday presented itself to be more difficult in some unexpected ways. Matt and I both were having a difficult time and it was not until the evening that we really understood what was happening in the other. I told Matt that it was hard for me to hear everyone talking about Greyson and all his greatness. It hurt me. I missed my son. Matt said he was feelign the same way. At that moment, we were no longer alone in our pain but in allowing our hearts to be vulnerable we helped support each other. Matt told me that he had been having a hard few weeks. And I asked him to let me know next time. I may not be able to fix anything but at least he would know that he was not alone. And I could pray for him.

Greyson is lovely though. And his mother is strong. I am proud of them both very much.