Remember Me

When we first lost Joshua...those days in the hospital and the 6 weeks that followed...we were under the rich covering and grace of God. I think that He shielded us from the fullness of the hurt and pain that loosing Joshua entailed. For whatever reason, maybe to just be able to get out of bed, we needed it. But now I think that God has lessened his shield. The emotions and thoughts that I am having are huge. Bigger then those I felt in the hospital or any time after. Beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life. Bigger then any tangible or explainable sensation. I think back on all the times where I felt like I was drowning. Those times I was floating in a life raft in the ocean. Now I am without the life raft. Just me treading water in the ocean. It is very scary. I was telling m mother in-law how nervous I am to experience the next two weeks. I am nervous because the size of the emotions that wash over me are crushing. Breaking my bones with each blow. There are moments of silence between the blows. But every blow knocks me down.

I feel bad for Matthew. What a horrific experience for him, for any man. He is unable to be my protector in this. I am sure he feels like he is failing in some way. Yes he gets to be one of my comforters...but he can not protect me from any pain. He can not stop the blows that are overwhelming me. He just gets to wait anxiously for them to come and pray like hell that they pass quickly. I hope that God touches you Matthew. You are not failing. You are not failing me.

I can not stop thinking about those days in the hospital. I know every detail by heart. I remember so much. Most of all I remember how much I loved my baby. "Maybe's" fill my head. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe it would have been different if I had had a c-section, maybe it would have been easier if I had not picked him up. Maybe...maybe...maybe... But of course I know deep inside me that those are just silly questions. I know the answer. In a perfect world Matthew and I would have Joshua right now. We would be planning a first birthday party. We would see a bright future. But we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a broken, hurting, corrupt, angry, bitter world. Joshua is in Heaven. We are on Earth. And we now have experienced brokenness. And God, who knows and formed our hearts, has chosen us to go out and love on the hurting. I know why God wants the broken to comfort the broken...cause broken people don't want to be pitied, they want to be understood. I understand now. Because the peace that I have despite all my brokenness can only be found in GOD. There is no other person, drug, thing. Money will not heal, more babies will not heal. Only God can heal broken hearts. So I will weep with those who have lost and share the one who has helped me through many tearful nights... I wonder what else God has in store for me to do?

God, what are we suppose to be learning? You know. We don't. ONE year. You have had Joshua with you longer then I had him with me. Is the hurt and pain I feel reasonable or am I just being weak. Am I suppose to take it hard or take it easy. You know me, you made me. I need people but don't want to be needy. I want help but don't want to be helpless. I want to be loved but not pitied. I seem to be living my own set of contradictions. I know that I will get through this. I know that you have a plan and purpose for Matthew and my life. I know that you love me. I know that you are good. I know that whatever happens, even the worst thing imaginable, you will be my rock and strength and portion. I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD. Help me remember. Help me not be afraid to feel. I am terrified. It hurts so much. I miss so deeply. You know how I feel. Help. Remember me. Help. Remember me. Help. Please don't forget me.