Different

I am different.

I used to be full of joy. i used to laugh for no reason. or freely when there was cause. i used to imagine my future with joy. i used to never get sick and i knew that i wasn't going to die cause i trusted that God had more for my life then what i had already done. i used to not fight with my husband about very stupid things. i used to go with the flow. i really liked being around other people. loved my work. i used to get mad then minutes later let my anger go. i used to like to hang around my friend. I was always able to say that i was honestly doing good.

When i was pregnant...people used to tell me that i glowed. The joy was apparent in every part of me. ya i was scared but i was so...happy.

And now... i am different.
My joy seems to be lost. i laugh sometimes. sometimes i fake it. i don't think about the future, not really. now i imagine that every little thing that i see wrong with my body or skin i imagine will kill me. i feel like i am constantly fighting with my husband. about things that never mattered before. i cant seem to let my frustration and anger go. I find it alot of work to be around people and my friends cause it takes alot of work to fake it and most of them know when i am but who constantly wants to here about how i really am doing? and if i did talk about it all the time then i would constantly feel hurt. I still like my work but customers are harder for me to deal with.
I feel like i am not who i was anymore. all i can see is the doubt that i have in myself. fears seem to penetrate my thoughts. I know the truth. I do. I know God is good. I know he has a plan for me. I am making myself vulnerable to him and others so that i can heal....but i will forever live with this thorn in my side.

I was talking to matt about Joshua. I said that what i feel now will lessen and be farther apart but will never go away, even when we have kids in th fe go wauture. And he said that he was hoping it would go away when we had more children.

Really God... you have to help me trust that you have good in this. that my marriage somehow will be better off is stead of worse because of this. Cause i don't see it. We had been married 11 months when joshua past away. We are hurt in a hugely deep way... and we have to work through it so that we can last forever...

gosh it hurts....

I was at work the other day and this young woman came in and she was pregnant. I asked how far along. (pregnancy is something that i truely loved) she was 7 months. I asked the sex: boy. Then she talked about how she knew it was gonna be a boy. Then she asked if i had any children. I said yes. she asked how old and i said he lived only a few days after birth. Later I asked my boss if he would have said yes to having children or no (in that situation)..he said that i had to make that decision myself, but he probably would have said no. I don't want to cause others pain...but i did have a child. he lived inside me for almost 10 months. He kicked and i spoke to hime. I called him by name. I learned some of his personality. How can i say no when i am asked if i have children.... and yet, i dont want to scare people or make them uncomfortable. where are the lines. there are no lines. only cracks.