5 Months

It has been 5 months since Joshua was born, since he died. Sometimes it feels like it has only been 5 days, sometimes it feels like it has been 5 years. And each memory is still as fresh as if it was unfolding. I remember the feel of the carpet under my bare feet as I walked back and forth to the NICU and my room. I remember picking you up for the first time.

Joshua, my prince, your mommy misses you. I wonder what you would have looked like, rosey cheeks? long and lean or short and stout. Your daddy is kind of short and stout. Long legs? I wonder what you would have looked like smiling, or laughing. You had your daddy's lips. Sometimes I look at your daddy's face and see you. I see other baby boys...they are so cute, but all i can think about is you. You are my precious little man and I am so glad that I had you. every pain and hurt, tear and trial...they were all worth it. I would do it again without blinking an eye. Because you, Joshua Alan, made me so happy. Feeling you kick, when you got the hiccups. Even all the pain of having you, you were worth every thing. every second. I am so glad that I got to be your mommy. Maybe, oneday when I get to heaven. I will get to meet my little monkey. I am so excited to see you smile and hold your hand and be your mommy. I love you baby boy! With every part of me. Tell Jesus to send your momma some peace. I love you. I love you. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be.

God, I am drounding. only you can keep my head above the water. and place my feet on dry land. help me not be afraid of the wind.