Paralyzed

The dictionary definition of Paralyzed: "to affect with paralysis; to make unable to move or act; to impair the progress to functioning of, to make inoperative or powerless."

Typically we think that someone who is paralyzed is unable to move or function part of their physical body. Yet paralysis can consume so much deeper then the visual aspects of a person. It can pierce to the core emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Something inside that person is unable to move forward. It is bound deep inside them unable to be reached and healed. Like an tumor that is inoperable because it is wrapped around a major artery. With the only choices being: a short paralyzed life or an operation that could end in death.

I was sitting at the food court at the mall with Matthew yesterday when I experienced the feeling of being paralyzed. We were eating lunch and chatting about something or another and I saw a new baby being held by a mother. The baby must have only been a few weeks old. I looked at Matt and smiled. "I want one." He looked critically at me and said no. "Why?" was his main question. "I want to be a mommy. I want to have a new baby and then a toddler. I want to teach my children how to cook. Go shopping with them. Hide Easter eggs and plan birthday parties. I want to have the house were my child can come with his/her friends and have treats for them." He laughed and said, "Later." Less then a minute later, as I was looking around and noticed a middle school aged boy sitting and eating his lunch alone. And I was paralyzed. I was gripped with sorrow and fear. I looked at Matt with ears brimming on my eyes and said, "I change my mind. I don't want any children." "What? Why?" was his response. All I could think of was...what if our baby gets hurt? Has no friends? Feels alone? "What if he has not friends Matt? What if he does bad things? What if he gets his heart broken? I can't handle that." And I don't think I can. Matt asked my why I was so worried. Those are things I have no control over. He could not understand the weight of fear that I felt. I see my brother and his broken heart. His angry spirit. What if he does not get out. What if he says no to God and does not let his heart be healed. What if someone else breaks his heart. I remember my childhood and all the brokenness that I felt. I NEVER want my child to experience that kind of brokenness and fear. Yes I understand the good that came from those scars but God is still mending them. In fact, I will be working to unlearn them for the rest of my life.

This sounds terrible but at this moment, the truth is: I am afraid that God will not protect my baby. It breaks my heart to say it. And even as I think and write it the Holy Spirit is whispering hope into my soul. Telling me that He is protecting my little man. How He loves Joshua so much: that is why he is in Heaven. My future is planned and protected, anointed. And yet... I still feel: impaired.

It is depressing because I felt the last few months that I have been growing and moving positively. And now I feel defeated. Bound. Hurting. Scattered. Backwards. How do I get the faith to trust God. Yes God is good but hurt happens because we are on earth..... I am so frustrated.defeated.

God, how do I trust you to take care of those that I love. How do I trust you to protect us against the hurt and broken. God please help me. I feel so broken. Choking on my fear. I can't live this way. Please fight for me. Please be my healer and strength. I need you. I need hope for the future. I get so crushed by my emotions. Will you help me know when to give weight to the emotions that I feel and when to let them fall at your feet. Help me be functional. I love you. Amen.