Divorce

I was wondering about the divorce rates of couples who loose a child, so I "googled" it. The stats ranged from 16%-90% of couples divorced after loosing a child. One person commented that the reasons for the divorce were less about the child lost but stated that it was the inherent issues in the relationship prior to the loss that was the real cause of the divorce and those who did divorce after a loss were bound to do it anyway.


I get divorce after child loss. I understand how it could happen. You have two completely different people who have just had their hope, faith, and heart shattered into a million different pieces and they deal with it completely different. One needs to talk it out, expresses emotions and feelings. The other avoids the topic. One cries and wonders what would have been, falls asleep weeping. The other tries to only think on the good. Each is in their own way coping with the tragedy the only way they know how. Sometimes trying to make it through the day means stepping away from the negative and filling life with stuff, distractions. Sometimes even if a person wants to ignore and avoid the reality it is impossible. And then in the midst of this very painful and personal struggle you are reminded that you are not alone in your pain. I am sure it is very unlikely that two people who are in a relationship will handle the brokenness in the same manner. So impossibly, you are now not only responsible for trying to make it out of bed and through the day hoping you will heal; you also have to be there for another person who maybe trying to heal the exact opposite way then you. Seems so unfair.

Yes we all enter marriage banged up and selfish. There are childhood problems, parental problems, pre-relationship problems, rejection problems, failure problems, past relationship problems, and a whole slough of other problems. Saying that anyone goes into a marriage whole and healed would be a pathetic lie. We all carry scars the level of healing that they are at may vary slightly but they are still visible. There is not neosporin for the scars on our soul. Those are permanent. So blaming a divorce on past problems is silly... of course it is because of past issues. But it is also because we as humans don't know how to comfort each other. And because we are humans more often then not we are repelled by the thought of comforting another because that requires selflessness and empathy. Which means that your heart will break for anothers'. Who wants to choose that. OR the other reason that we don't comfort another is because we are going through such a broken place that we think we will be no help; that our offering is so small that it can not possibly do anything. LIES. Really? Really? would not you want someone to hug you if your mother died. Or would you prefer everyone just ignore it. Pretend that nothing is different; when you know damn well that the earth has literally shifted on its axis...at least your world has.

Where is God in all of this brokenness? Well there are definitely days I want to say that he is lounging in the clouds somewhere watching a really good sports game. Or maybe he is creating the most perfect sunset. It most certainly does not feel like he is here with me; when I am crying myself to sleep, feeling broken and alone, rejected by my husband who does not see I need his arms to comfort me. And then, most annoyingly, I think of a baby born in a stable. Interesting. God literally has been where I am. He had a little boy and then his little boy was killed innocent. I am sure God weighed his options. It was not like God was all out of ideas and said "what the heck...maybe this will work." NO. There was literally no other option. No other way to save the people he loved from the devastating sin that completely cut them off from easy relationship with himself. Sacrifice in the past years had atoned for the sins of individuals. Yet how could a whole world of people and the thousands of generations to come...would our lives be forever bound by sacrifice. Each of us trying so desperately to please God but unable to get away from our daily, minutely sin (bad thoughts, lust, greed, anger, violence, frustration, doubt). God, THE GOD who created life had to give up his most valued possession, his son. An interesting thought I just had... why did God wait so long to give his son to die in our place? Couldn't of that been done on day seven? (The day God rested after he made everything)I would like to suggest that maybe it was because he LOVED his son. Giving up your son so that others can live. Talk about a weighted decision. If you had a child...would you do it. Maybe you might weigh the options: how many lives would be saved? How would your child have to die? Those might be some questions you would ask yourself. But what if you knew that your child was going to die being blamed for things he/she did not do. That her/his death would cause them the most physical pain as possible. And that your child was going to know that you chose to let them die when you were the only person who could have saved them. That "yes" that may have been on your lips is gone now, huh. I know there is no way that I would ever do that. Nope. Even when I think about all the good it could bring. Now I would give my own life...but not my child's. That is what God had to choose.

So next time I am weeping myself to sleep I hope that my heart will remember that I am not alone. I know that the pain will probably not go away. There is no quick fix to my brokenness. It will be my there my whole life. But at least I know that I am in the true company of God. My loss, though great in my eyes, is not as painful as many other people's stories.

God, how did you feel on the night Jesus died? Where you in tears fighting back your anger? Do you ever grasp your son's pierced hand and cringe, apologizing for what had to be done. I bet Jesus smiles at you and says, "it was worth it." And I bet you are again moved to tears with joy and pride that you have such an amazing son. Yup, you must know exactly how I feel. Since you do, could you please grant me peace tonight. Help me love my husband even though it is hard. Please bless our relationship and make it immovably strong and powerful. These are the desires of my heart. Thank you for making sure I am not alone tonight.
Amen

the Strength of Women

I have recently been surrounded by many new and valued female friends. It has always been a prayer of mine that I would have lady friends that I could share life with. It is so sweet. The more that I spend time with them, the more I hear their life stories, the more I realize that.... Women Are Strong! But in order for me to see their strength I first had to be invited to see all the struggles and broken places. Which allowed me to come to a second conclusion... women face the most challenges. Yes men have struggles, they worry, they are stressed, and they deal with intense brokenness... so by saying that women are strong I am not saying men are not... what I am saying is that women are designed differently and my belief that God designed women with the power to accomplish so much more then they believe. But with that pre-destination comes huge opposition from the enemy. We are designed to change the people around us in such a positive way that our enemy of our flesh has a special vendetta against us. If we as women reach the success that we are designed for then satan will have no power or authority over our loved ones...and we have many of those.

I have met many women... women who did not have mothers, women who had mothers who hated them, women who had no father or a father that abused them, women who have been sexually/mentally/physically/emotionally abused, women who have had children and lost them, women who have had children and did not feel love for them, women who have had abortions,women who can't have children, women who have married someone who hurt them, women who have cheated on their husbands, women who have been cheated one.... and there is so much more examples of the struggles that women have to overcome.

Does this not make you wonder... Why women? Why women who are most beautiful when they are vulnerable and loving towards others? Spend a second and think about the most wonderful women that you know... describe her. What are her qualities? What does she do for you that make you love her?

I think of a few women all at once. These are a few of the qualities that those women have: joy, confidence, self-love, patience, love for others, sweet, thoughtful, mostly these women are themselves, they are vulnerable before others, and they love the people around them.

The woman you thought of... does she influence the people around her? Well if she has your attention then she is doing just that. Of course the enemy would attack the very people who are designed to change the world. Women are designed to do that.


And unfortunately the majority of women have suffered under the hand of the spirit-breaking enemy. He attacks their heart, their spirit, their self-value then leaves them broken and blinded. But women are strong...because even though the enemy is trying to ruin us... we have the power and strength to overcome even the most piercing darts of the enemy. I can think of a hundred of examples at this very moment. Examples of women who have surpassed these struggles...

Women are strong. God has given us the ability to be victors over the enemy of our soul.

How are you doing today my sweet one? Is today one of your weak days? Are you struggling with a mistake or a fear? Remember that you are strong. Seek the healer of your soul today. Allow him to lift your burden. This does not mean that your struggle is gone. But it does mean that even though you feel alone, you are not. God has put other women in your life to bring you the strength and compassion that he has waiting for you.

I wish you sweet success ladies. You are so Strong!

I put my....trust

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

reminders
like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen


note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.

Remembering

I had the perfect pregnancy. No woman could have asked for more. No pains (until the end, then there were tons!) Joshua was born at 1pm (exactly) (a week and a half late from his actual due date) after 12 hours of labor.

He was born not breathing, heart not beating. There had been no signs of stress or problem in during the delivery. I gave birth naturally so they were constantly checking on his heartbeat. They int abated him and restarted his heart. He never opened his eyes, he never breathed on his own. His heartbeat worked sometimes on its own. We spent three days in the hospital. Waiting for my father to come and meet Joshua, then say goodbye. He had gone out of town to say goodbye to his own father and was rushing home to say goodbye to his grandson. [My heart still goes out to my dad. Dear God, I know that you bring us to our darkest places to invite us closer to you. But my dad is not closer. Please bring him freedom from his chains that he clings to. They are all he has ever known. I want him to know your joy, your peace.)

I choose to name Joshua Alan after Joshua in the Bible. He was a strong and faithful leader. He called the Israelites out when they lacked faith. I knew that Joshua would be a leader. And he was, just in a much different way then i had ever imagined. There were hundreds of people who came to meet and then say goodbye to Joshua. The NICU nurses (who I believe are angels sent fro Heaven to comfort those who are in the deepest of needs) set up a room for us next to Joshua so people could stay close to him. There were thousands of people praying from Eugene, Oregon to African Villages for the healing of our son.

My little leader, Joshua, I miss you. I miss your kicking. You were really good at karate by month nine! I missed talking to you. And feeling your life spaning out into my future. Thinkgs are so much different then I had ever imagined. I am glad that you are with Jesus. you never have to feel pain, or hurt, or your heart broken. You will never be separated from God. I am so proud of you son. SO proud. Your life changed so many. Your daddy and me think about you everyday. We are not sad always, I know you wouldn't want that. We just miss you. But we know that God is taking good care of you! I can't wait to see you again my little monkey. May you enjoy your day in Heaven. Ask God to send us some strength for today. We love you Joshua, forever.