Divorce

I was wondering about the divorce rates of couples who loose a child, so I "googled" it. The stats ranged from 16%-90% of couples divorced after loosing a child. One person commented that the reasons for the divorce were less about the child lost but stated that it was the inherent issues in the relationship prior to the loss that was the real cause of the divorce and those who did divorce after a loss were bound to do it anyway.


I get divorce after child loss. I understand how it could happen. You have two completely different people who have just had their hope, faith, and heart shattered into a million different pieces and they deal with it completely different. One needs to talk it out, expresses emotions and feelings. The other avoids the topic. One cries and wonders what would have been, falls asleep weeping. The other tries to only think on the good. Each is in their own way coping with the tragedy the only way they know how. Sometimes trying to make it through the day means stepping away from the negative and filling life with stuff, distractions. Sometimes even if a person wants to ignore and avoid the reality it is impossible. And then in the midst of this very painful and personal struggle you are reminded that you are not alone in your pain. I am sure it is very unlikely that two people who are in a relationship will handle the brokenness in the same manner. So impossibly, you are now not only responsible for trying to make it out of bed and through the day hoping you will heal; you also have to be there for another person who maybe trying to heal the exact opposite way then you. Seems so unfair.

Yes we all enter marriage banged up and selfish. There are childhood problems, parental problems, pre-relationship problems, rejection problems, failure problems, past relationship problems, and a whole slough of other problems. Saying that anyone goes into a marriage whole and healed would be a pathetic lie. We all carry scars the level of healing that they are at may vary slightly but they are still visible. There is not neosporin for the scars on our soul. Those are permanent. So blaming a divorce on past problems is silly... of course it is because of past issues. But it is also because we as humans don't know how to comfort each other. And because we are humans more often then not we are repelled by the thought of comforting another because that requires selflessness and empathy. Which means that your heart will break for anothers'. Who wants to choose that. OR the other reason that we don't comfort another is because we are going through such a broken place that we think we will be no help; that our offering is so small that it can not possibly do anything. LIES. Really? Really? would not you want someone to hug you if your mother died. Or would you prefer everyone just ignore it. Pretend that nothing is different; when you know damn well that the earth has literally shifted on its axis...at least your world has.

Where is God in all of this brokenness? Well there are definitely days I want to say that he is lounging in the clouds somewhere watching a really good sports game. Or maybe he is creating the most perfect sunset. It most certainly does not feel like he is here with me; when I am crying myself to sleep, feeling broken and alone, rejected by my husband who does not see I need his arms to comfort me. And then, most annoyingly, I think of a baby born in a stable. Interesting. God literally has been where I am. He had a little boy and then his little boy was killed innocent. I am sure God weighed his options. It was not like God was all out of ideas and said "what the heck...maybe this will work." NO. There was literally no other option. No other way to save the people he loved from the devastating sin that completely cut them off from easy relationship with himself. Sacrifice in the past years had atoned for the sins of individuals. Yet how could a whole world of people and the thousands of generations to come...would our lives be forever bound by sacrifice. Each of us trying so desperately to please God but unable to get away from our daily, minutely sin (bad thoughts, lust, greed, anger, violence, frustration, doubt). God, THE GOD who created life had to give up his most valued possession, his son. An interesting thought I just had... why did God wait so long to give his son to die in our place? Couldn't of that been done on day seven? (The day God rested after he made everything)I would like to suggest that maybe it was because he LOVED his son. Giving up your son so that others can live. Talk about a weighted decision. If you had a child...would you do it. Maybe you might weigh the options: how many lives would be saved? How would your child have to die? Those might be some questions you would ask yourself. But what if you knew that your child was going to die being blamed for things he/she did not do. That her/his death would cause them the most physical pain as possible. And that your child was going to know that you chose to let them die when you were the only person who could have saved them. That "yes" that may have been on your lips is gone now, huh. I know there is no way that I would ever do that. Nope. Even when I think about all the good it could bring. Now I would give my own life...but not my child's. That is what God had to choose.

So next time I am weeping myself to sleep I hope that my heart will remember that I am not alone. I know that the pain will probably not go away. There is no quick fix to my brokenness. It will be my there my whole life. But at least I know that I am in the true company of God. My loss, though great in my eyes, is not as painful as many other people's stories.

God, how did you feel on the night Jesus died? Where you in tears fighting back your anger? Do you ever grasp your son's pierced hand and cringe, apologizing for what had to be done. I bet Jesus smiles at you and says, "it was worth it." And I bet you are again moved to tears with joy and pride that you have such an amazing son. Yup, you must know exactly how I feel. Since you do, could you please grant me peace tonight. Help me love my husband even though it is hard. Please bless our relationship and make it immovably strong and powerful. These are the desires of my heart. Thank you for making sure I am not alone tonight.
Amen