Big Brother

Hey there my little man. Wow your a year in a half..already. Gosh time goes by so quickly. I know that I did not get to see you grow and learn and change but your friends down here (like Nay Nay and your cousin Grayson) are growing so quickly! I can see them learning so fast; I can imagine what seeing you grow would be like! I am so proud of you! I was looking at your pictures today again. How gorgeous you are. I am still amazed at how your daddy and I could have been blessed with such a stunning child. It is funny because I thought that I saw everything about your lovely face, hands and feet when you were born but looking at those pictures I can see things I never saw before. You had a single freckle under your left eye. And you had short eyelashes (sorry about that). Your hands were the only chubby part on your body with little double dimples everywhere. I can't wait to see you little one. I can't wait to be in Heaven and have you in my arms again. Whatever size you are! I can't wait for God to proudly show me all your wonderful accomplishments! Oh my little monkey...mommy loves you. Heart and soul.

So... daddy and I have some exciting news for you! You're gonna be a BIG BROTHER!! Yay! I am sure that you are already a wonderful big brother up there! And I am already so very proud of you. I wish you were here to feel the new baby when he/she kicks and hear their heartbeat...awh... how beautifully sweet. But I do believe that you have had a sneak peek. I bet you already know if it is a boy or girl (I am a bit jealous!) I wonder if God has told you secrets of the future! How delightful. My little monkey a part of our future forever! I am so thankful for you! Almost 12 weeks old. The baby looks kind of like a 2" alien right now. Haha. It is a good thing that it has a while to go. Alien babies might not be as welcomed into our crazy world. You were an alien baby too...two plus years ago! I have talked about you a lot over the last few weeks. Have I told you how much I love and adore you Joshua. I do.

Well, here we are again; the brink of goodbyes. I know there is no such thing now...but I always feel a little sorrow when I set this down. Thinking about you often and loving you always.

-Mommy

Still a Mommy

I am still am mother. It is an interesting situation when I am asked if I have children. Sometimes I say yes. But most of the time I say "No, someday." Why... well most of the time people people don't want to hear or I feel like I am giving them bad news and I am reliving those first few days. They feel bad. They say sorry or try to say something positive. Then I either get more questions (which I don't mind at all), they change the subject, or they leave.

BUT the truth is I am a parent. My sweet little man is my pride and joy. I really wish, when people asked I could have the courage to say, "Why yes, I do have a child. His name is Joshua Alan. But he does not live with us right now. He has a much better home...Heaven.

I wonder what people would say to that.

5 Months

It has been 5 months since Joshua was born, since he died. Sometimes it feels like it has only been 5 days, sometimes it feels like it has been 5 years. And each memory is still as fresh as if it was unfolding. I remember the feel of the carpet under my bare feet as I walked back and forth to the NICU and my room. I remember picking you up for the first time.

Joshua, my prince, your mommy misses you. I wonder what you would have looked like, rosey cheeks? long and lean or short and stout. Your daddy is kind of short and stout. Long legs? I wonder what you would have looked like smiling, or laughing. You had your daddy's lips. Sometimes I look at your daddy's face and see you. I see other baby boys...they are so cute, but all i can think about is you. You are my precious little man and I am so glad that I had you. every pain and hurt, tear and trial...they were all worth it. I would do it again without blinking an eye. Because you, Joshua Alan, made me so happy. Feeling you kick, when you got the hiccups. Even all the pain of having you, you were worth every thing. every second. I am so glad that I got to be your mommy. Maybe, oneday when I get to heaven. I will get to meet my little monkey. I am so excited to see you smile and hold your hand and be your mommy. I love you baby boy! With every part of me. Tell Jesus to send your momma some peace. I love you. I love you. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be.

God, I am drounding. only you can keep my head above the water. and place my feet on dry land. help me not be afraid of the wind.