Happy Birthday Joshua Alan!

My precious son...

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant. I am not gonna lie sweetheart, but I was scared. I knew I was going to be a mother one day but Daddy and I were so young the idea scared us. It took me about a week until I really understood how excited I was. I made sure I ate my vitamins and drank lots of water. I should have exercised. I took pictures of my tummy every few weeks throughout the whole time you were in there! It was so cool to see how you grew little by little then really fast all at once. The first few times i felt you move it felt like little bubbles were popping in my tummy. Haha I know it sounds silly. But you were a strong little monkey in there and it was not long before I knew for sure the bouncing I felt in my tummy was you. You silly thing. I loved feeling you kick. Most of the time. I remember the first time Daddy felt you kick. His eyes got big and he pulled his hand away. lol But it was not the last time Daddy felt you. You little stinker. You woke him up almost every night kicking him in the back. Daddy was really fussy. But he loved it. You slept all day and played all night. OH....I remember the first time that we tried to find out if you were a he or she...you little wiggler. You wiggled so much that we had to wait another month to find out. That was not very nice at all. But at 24 weeks I went in, Daddy had to work, and found out you were my little man. My precious little prince. I went to the Oregon Duck store (I am sure that you are a hard core Duck fan!) and picked out a little outfit for you, wrapped it and then brought it to Daddy. He was kind of shocked that you were a boy (he probably will tell you that's not true...but it is). Oh it was right around then that Your Auntie Jessica told me she too was going to have a baby! We were so excited that you were going to have a cousin.

Months went by quickly but when it came to your due date that passed slowly. Daddy was invited on a camping trip with some of his friends and Mommy said no way. You were due May 25th and that was memorial day. But you were a stinker and waited 8 more days. I know now that those 8 days were another one of God's gifts to me. He knew that I would want a little more time with my Heaven-bound angel. You are my angel Joshua. My precious prince that awaits me in Heaven. I am so excited to see you. False labor started and I was so excited and nervous and worried...and I went to the midwifery and they gave me some sleeping pills and sent me home to bed. This was Tuesday June 1st. Daddy went to work the rest of the day and I slept. But family from out of town came in...all ready to meet you. The next day I was feeling fine and Daddy went to work and I cleaned the house cause there was not a lot to do other then wait for your sassy little behind. That night we went to dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Nice's house. During dinner I felt contractions steadily but I was so tired of being excited I ignored them. I told Daddy on the way home that I thought you might try to escape that night. Poor Daddy was so tired. We went to bed at I was up two hours later for the bathroom. I laid back in bed and all of a sudden it felt as if someone (I won't name any names) gave me a swift kick. Seconds later the water came. "Matt...my water broke." I said it quietly to Daddy. When he stumbled out of bed he told me that "Next time I should wake him up more gentle." Hahaha... I pray that you have the personality like your daddy, he is so funny! I am sure you have all of Heaven smiling up there. We went to the hospital and spent the next 12 hours birthing you. You were no picnic either my little monkey. You were wiggling around and kicking me in the ribs. Very obnoxious. I even felt you kicking as I was pushing. You were doing just fine...and you know the rest of the story. I am sure that Jesus was waiting with us in that room just like the doctor who was ready to catch you coming out. Jesus is much quicker then she was.

Baby Boy, on this your first birthday...I want you to know... I am so proud of you! So proud. Never in my life have I experienced the intensity of love and pride then when I held you in my arms. You are my little monkey, my Joshua Alan. I love you more then life. And so does Daddy. We have loved you since we knew you were created and we will love you until beyond the end of time...because you are my forever son. And when we meet again in Heaven oh what a celebration it will be! I reunion filled by the most precious thing of all...Love.

I love you Joshua Alan Nice, my little monkey...Forever is how long a mother's love lasts.


Dear Father,
You have my son. Please throw a big party. He deserves it. Please give him a hug and kiss for me today and everyday. Make the days swift til I get to see his face. Help me have patience to not waste m time here but change the lives of those you have called me to. I will not fully understand until I see your face...but I want to make you proud none-the-less. Please cover us today. Matthew, Me, and all our family and friends. Please bring us that same joy that you did in the Hospital. Please show your grace efficient today. This weekend. Next week. Next month. Next year. We will need it in different ways but our need for it will never lessen. We trust you. We know that you are good. And I know that you love Me and My Mattie and My Monkey. Thank you for loving us so much.
I love you back.

Still a Mommy

I am still am mother. It is an interesting situation when I am asked if I have children. Sometimes I say yes. But most of the time I say "No, someday." Why... well most of the time people people don't want to hear or I feel like I am giving them bad news and I am reliving those first few days. They feel bad. They say sorry or try to say something positive. Then I either get more questions (which I don't mind at all), they change the subject, or they leave.

BUT the truth is I am a parent. My sweet little man is my pride and joy. I really wish, when people asked I could have the courage to say, "Why yes, I do have a child. His name is Joshua Alan. But he does not live with us right now. He has a much better home...Heaven.

I wonder what people would say to that.

5 Months

It has been 5 months since Joshua was born, since he died. Sometimes it feels like it has only been 5 days, sometimes it feels like it has been 5 years. And each memory is still as fresh as if it was unfolding. I remember the feel of the carpet under my bare feet as I walked back and forth to the NICU and my room. I remember picking you up for the first time.

Joshua, my prince, your mommy misses you. I wonder what you would have looked like, rosey cheeks? long and lean or short and stout. Your daddy is kind of short and stout. Long legs? I wonder what you would have looked like smiling, or laughing. You had your daddy's lips. Sometimes I look at your daddy's face and see you. I see other baby boys...they are so cute, but all i can think about is you. You are my precious little man and I am so glad that I had you. every pain and hurt, tear and trial...they were all worth it. I would do it again without blinking an eye. Because you, Joshua Alan, made me so happy. Feeling you kick, when you got the hiccups. Even all the pain of having you, you were worth every thing. every second. I am so glad that I got to be your mommy. Maybe, oneday when I get to heaven. I will get to meet my little monkey. I am so excited to see you smile and hold your hand and be your mommy. I love you baby boy! With every part of me. Tell Jesus to send your momma some peace. I love you. I love you. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be.

God, I am drounding. only you can keep my head above the water. and place my feet on dry land. help me not be afraid of the wind.

4 Months

Happy 4 months Joshua!! Gosh. Time has moved by so quickly. It is hard to think that it really has been four months since you were born. So much has happened. So much has changed. We live with great-grandma now. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was the first place Your papa and me lived together. We had alot of fun there. We found out we were gonna have you there! It was a tuesday night. I didn't believe it. But those little pink lines didn't lie. We had a room for you. It was not painted but it was just for you. One night your daddy came home to find your crib put together. lol You were not due for two and 1/2 months still. He laughed at me. Your crib stayed in the corner for a long time. Your daddy and I learned how to love eachother in that apartment. We learned to share. well we started to. I painted your monkey dresser there. It was very cute. You would have loved it. I organized all your clothes many weeks before you were due. I was really excited to meet my little monkey. I remember the first time I felt you kick me! It was definately not the last! You would have been a good little karate kid! lol I remember sitting on the couch with daddy and we watched you bounce my tummy up and down, up and down. Daddy loved feeling you kick! Well, except when we were trying to sleep. Your daddy said that you would kick him in the back when we were falling asleep. That always made me laugh, you were an onry little guy, and I loved it! I remember you were due on Memorial Day May 25th. I was really excited and said that your daddy could not gp camping with his buddy that weekend cause i thought you were gonna come! Little did I know you would hold out til the last second. And I am glad for that; I didn't know that was the last week I would have with you. My body was a getting ready for you to be born for two days before you woke us up at 1am when my water broke. Lol Daddy said that he knew you would come at night. He knew you would be a little-goof-ball!
We spent 12 hours in the hospital before you were actually born. And you were kicking even when I was pushing. Then you came...and went. I think that You were with Jesus right away when you were born. yet, Jesus let us keep your little 7 pound 11 ounce perfectness around so we could meet you a little bit...and say goodbye. I remember the very first time I touched you. The midwife put you on my tummy, and I felt your little body so soft on mine. Daddy got to cut your ambilicle cord. (He said before you were born that he didnt want to...but you made him want to!)

Then away you went....Daddy stayed with me for a while after that. I think he was scared, and hurt. You were born at 1pm June 3, 2009. Daddy and I visited you a couple hours later. But time moved so fast that it felt like we were away from you just minutes.

You were the most beautiful baby that I had EVER seen! The moment I saw you I was filled with such pride! My baby boy, you are the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I am so proud of you! You were my, our little leader. Calling us out of our doupt and into faith. You have lead the way to heaven little prince and I will gladly follow you! I am SOOO excited to meet you in heaven! To get to hold you again! To hear all the storied that I have missed. Luckily you will not have to wait long for me, Heaven time is different then Earth time. So I will be seeing you soon! I am singing you s goodnight song tonoght little one! Thank you for sharing our lives the last 14 months. We miss you dearly! Yet we know that there is much for us to be doing until the day we get to see you in Heaven with Jesus!

Love you Joshua Alan, we love you!

Remembering

I had the perfect pregnancy. No woman could have asked for more. No pains (until the end, then there were tons!) Joshua was born at 1pm (exactly) (a week and a half late from his actual due date) after 12 hours of labor.

He was born not breathing, heart not beating. There had been no signs of stress or problem in during the delivery. I gave birth naturally so they were constantly checking on his heartbeat. They int abated him and restarted his heart. He never opened his eyes, he never breathed on his own. His heartbeat worked sometimes on its own. We spent three days in the hospital. Waiting for my father to come and meet Joshua, then say goodbye. He had gone out of town to say goodbye to his own father and was rushing home to say goodbye to his grandson. [My heart still goes out to my dad. Dear God, I know that you bring us to our darkest places to invite us closer to you. But my dad is not closer. Please bring him freedom from his chains that he clings to. They are all he has ever known. I want him to know your joy, your peace.)

I choose to name Joshua Alan after Joshua in the Bible. He was a strong and faithful leader. He called the Israelites out when they lacked faith. I knew that Joshua would be a leader. And he was, just in a much different way then i had ever imagined. There were hundreds of people who came to meet and then say goodbye to Joshua. The NICU nurses (who I believe are angels sent fro Heaven to comfort those who are in the deepest of needs) set up a room for us next to Joshua so people could stay close to him. There were thousands of people praying from Eugene, Oregon to African Villages for the healing of our son.

My little leader, Joshua, I miss you. I miss your kicking. You were really good at karate by month nine! I missed talking to you. And feeling your life spaning out into my future. Thinkgs are so much different then I had ever imagined. I am glad that you are with Jesus. you never have to feel pain, or hurt, or your heart broken. You will never be separated from God. I am so proud of you son. SO proud. Your life changed so many. Your daddy and me think about you everyday. We are not sad always, I know you wouldn't want that. We just miss you. But we know that God is taking good care of you! I can't wait to see you again my little monkey. May you enjoy your day in Heaven. Ask God to send us some strength for today. We love you Joshua, forever.