4 Months

Happy 4 months Joshua!! Gosh. Time has moved by so quickly. It is hard to think that it really has been four months since you were born. So much has happened. So much has changed. We live with great-grandma now. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was the first place Your papa and me lived together. We had alot of fun there. We found out we were gonna have you there! It was a tuesday night. I didn't believe it. But those little pink lines didn't lie. We had a room for you. It was not painted but it was just for you. One night your daddy came home to find your crib put together. lol You were not due for two and 1/2 months still. He laughed at me. Your crib stayed in the corner for a long time. Your daddy and I learned how to love eachother in that apartment. We learned to share. well we started to. I painted your monkey dresser there. It was very cute. You would have loved it. I organized all your clothes many weeks before you were due. I was really excited to meet my little monkey. I remember the first time I felt you kick me! It was definately not the last! You would have been a good little karate kid! lol I remember sitting on the couch with daddy and we watched you bounce my tummy up and down, up and down. Daddy loved feeling you kick! Well, except when we were trying to sleep. Your daddy said that you would kick him in the back when we were falling asleep. That always made me laugh, you were an onry little guy, and I loved it! I remember you were due on Memorial Day May 25th. I was really excited and said that your daddy could not gp camping with his buddy that weekend cause i thought you were gonna come! Little did I know you would hold out til the last second. And I am glad for that; I didn't know that was the last week I would have with you. My body was a getting ready for you to be born for two days before you woke us up at 1am when my water broke. Lol Daddy said that he knew you would come at night. He knew you would be a little-goof-ball!
We spent 12 hours in the hospital before you were actually born. And you were kicking even when I was pushing. Then you came...and went. I think that You were with Jesus right away when you were born. yet, Jesus let us keep your little 7 pound 11 ounce perfectness around so we could meet you a little bit...and say goodbye. I remember the very first time I touched you. The midwife put you on my tummy, and I felt your little body so soft on mine. Daddy got to cut your ambilicle cord. (He said before you were born that he didnt want to...but you made him want to!)

Then away you went....Daddy stayed with me for a while after that. I think he was scared, and hurt. You were born at 1pm June 3, 2009. Daddy and I visited you a couple hours later. But time moved so fast that it felt like we were away from you just minutes.

You were the most beautiful baby that I had EVER seen! The moment I saw you I was filled with such pride! My baby boy, you are the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I am so proud of you! You were my, our little leader. Calling us out of our doupt and into faith. You have lead the way to heaven little prince and I will gladly follow you! I am SOOO excited to meet you in heaven! To get to hold you again! To hear all the storied that I have missed. Luckily you will not have to wait long for me, Heaven time is different then Earth time. So I will be seeing you soon! I am singing you s goodnight song tonoght little one! Thank you for sharing our lives the last 14 months. We miss you dearly! Yet we know that there is much for us to be doing until the day we get to see you in Heaven with Jesus!

Love you Joshua Alan, we love you!

I put my....trust

how can someone feel two completely opposite emotions so strongly, in one day?
I had a very good day. I really did. I laughed and meant it. I told jokes. I felt fine. But tonight... is a whole different story.
My husband is so good. He holds me when I cry. Kisses my neck. He knows he has nothing to offer me that will make it better. We are past that. We are both incapable. And yet, he holds me, through the tears. God, thank you for Matt. Please give him strength, so he can be my strength. Please keep him safe from all harm. Please shield him from this sorrow that I feel. Let him heal. amen

I miss my son. I miss what could have been. The memories that could have been...

I love getting the mail. But the last week I have ignored it. I just had this feeling that there would be a bill. Joshua's bill. I did not want the reminder of those days in the hospital.

But there is no escaping. I checked the mail today. And there it was. Right on top. Figures.

I opened it. 6/3/09, 6/4/09, 6/5/09....

reminders
like the scars I have on my stomach. reminding me
the pictures of joshua. reminding me
the carseat, the evergreen tree, the wild flowers, the gifts,
my hand rest on my stomach sometimes, uncontrollably.

i was so happy to be a mom. i loved every moment. I loved feeling Joshua kicking.
I didn't talk or sing to him for a long time. i am not sure why. i think i was afraid to love him.
And then i started dancing with him. singing little things. talking to my little monkey.

and i loved him. i love him.

God how... how does this heal. is this something you caused...or allowed. You are the Lord of ALL. the King of kings. The creator, you breathed life. You formed my son inside me. You had a plan for his LIFE.... that is what you PROMISED. this was your plan?

you have a plan for my life... this was your plan?

you make all things new. everything you do is good. you comfort those who mourn.

God, I am not sure how we are gonna make it. How can one person, let alone two people who are so broken survive...We need you. Your strength. Your fortress to surround us. Protect us from the lies of the enemy. His deceit that bitters our thoughts and stabs our souls. We trust you in everything. Please heal. Please draw our lives closer to eachother instead of farther a part. Please bless this new adventure that you have given me. Let it be anointed with your presence and flow through wisdom you want to teach others. Thank you for letting me be apart of your plan. You know how I love to help. Please give Matt more work. We trust you with daily needs and eternal lives. Amen


note: i started this blog in utter sorrow. but through it God has taken my yoke and given me a lighter one. It is still work, but it does not hurt as much. Praise to only you, God.