Different

I am different.

I used to be full of joy. i used to laugh for no reason. or freely when there was cause. i used to imagine my future with joy. i used to never get sick and i knew that i wasn't going to die cause i trusted that God had more for my life then what i had already done. i used to not fight with my husband about very stupid things. i used to go with the flow. i really liked being around other people. loved my work. i used to get mad then minutes later let my anger go. i used to like to hang around my friend. I was always able to say that i was honestly doing good.

When i was pregnant...people used to tell me that i glowed. The joy was apparent in every part of me. ya i was scared but i was so...happy.

And now... i am different.
My joy seems to be lost. i laugh sometimes. sometimes i fake it. i don't think about the future, not really. now i imagine that every little thing that i see wrong with my body or skin i imagine will kill me. i feel like i am constantly fighting with my husband. about things that never mattered before. i cant seem to let my frustration and anger go. I find it alot of work to be around people and my friends cause it takes alot of work to fake it and most of them know when i am but who constantly wants to here about how i really am doing? and if i did talk about it all the time then i would constantly feel hurt. I still like my work but customers are harder for me to deal with.
I feel like i am not who i was anymore. all i can see is the doubt that i have in myself. fears seem to penetrate my thoughts. I know the truth. I do. I know God is good. I know he has a plan for me. I am making myself vulnerable to him and others so that i can heal....but i will forever live with this thorn in my side.

I was talking to matt about Joshua. I said that what i feel now will lessen and be farther apart but will never go away, even when we have kids in th fe go wauture. And he said that he was hoping it would go away when we had more children.

Really God... you have to help me trust that you have good in this. that my marriage somehow will be better off is stead of worse because of this. Cause i don't see it. We had been married 11 months when joshua past away. We are hurt in a hugely deep way... and we have to work through it so that we can last forever...

gosh it hurts....

I was at work the other day and this young woman came in and she was pregnant. I asked how far along. (pregnancy is something that i truely loved) she was 7 months. I asked the sex: boy. Then she talked about how she knew it was gonna be a boy. Then she asked if i had any children. I said yes. she asked how old and i said he lived only a few days after birth. Later I asked my boss if he would have said yes to having children or no (in that situation)..he said that i had to make that decision myself, but he probably would have said no. I don't want to cause others pain...but i did have a child. he lived inside me for almost 10 months. He kicked and i spoke to hime. I called him by name. I learned some of his personality. How can i say no when i am asked if i have children.... and yet, i dont want to scare people or make them uncomfortable. where are the lines. there are no lines. only cracks.

my husband

matthew, I love you so very much. You are the strongest man that I know. You have been there for me, fighting for me for so long, before we dated you were a prayer warrior fro me when I did not have the strength. You were there with me on our wedding, singing to me and promising me forever. You were there for me when we found out we were pregnant and I cried all night. You were there for me every minute of my pregnancy. You were there for me for 12 hours straight through the labor and delivery of our first born son. And you have been there for me ever since. The hard nights and frustrated moments. You have been there/are there for me in the moments I don't even know who I am. You hold me, love me, trust me, call me out, encourage me, challenge me, and overall you, Matthew Nice, have made me the most blessed woman in the whole world. I love your my prince charming. I love you forever and ever! I am so excited to spend forever by your side, hand in hand....

4 Months

Happy 4 months Joshua!! Gosh. Time has moved by so quickly. It is hard to think that it really has been four months since you were born. So much has happened. So much has changed. We live with great-grandma now. It was hard to leave the apartment. It was the first place Your papa and me lived together. We had alot of fun there. We found out we were gonna have you there! It was a tuesday night. I didn't believe it. But those little pink lines didn't lie. We had a room for you. It was not painted but it was just for you. One night your daddy came home to find your crib put together. lol You were not due for two and 1/2 months still. He laughed at me. Your crib stayed in the corner for a long time. Your daddy and I learned how to love eachother in that apartment. We learned to share. well we started to. I painted your monkey dresser there. It was very cute. You would have loved it. I organized all your clothes many weeks before you were due. I was really excited to meet my little monkey. I remember the first time I felt you kick me! It was definately not the last! You would have been a good little karate kid! lol I remember sitting on the couch with daddy and we watched you bounce my tummy up and down, up and down. Daddy loved feeling you kick! Well, except when we were trying to sleep. Your daddy said that you would kick him in the back when we were falling asleep. That always made me laugh, you were an onry little guy, and I loved it! I remember you were due on Memorial Day May 25th. I was really excited and said that your daddy could not gp camping with his buddy that weekend cause i thought you were gonna come! Little did I know you would hold out til the last second. And I am glad for that; I didn't know that was the last week I would have with you. My body was a getting ready for you to be born for two days before you woke us up at 1am when my water broke. Lol Daddy said that he knew you would come at night. He knew you would be a little-goof-ball!
We spent 12 hours in the hospital before you were actually born. And you were kicking even when I was pushing. Then you came...and went. I think that You were with Jesus right away when you were born. yet, Jesus let us keep your little 7 pound 11 ounce perfectness around so we could meet you a little bit...and say goodbye. I remember the very first time I touched you. The midwife put you on my tummy, and I felt your little body so soft on mine. Daddy got to cut your ambilicle cord. (He said before you were born that he didnt want to...but you made him want to!)

Then away you went....Daddy stayed with me for a while after that. I think he was scared, and hurt. You were born at 1pm June 3, 2009. Daddy and I visited you a couple hours later. But time moved so fast that it felt like we were away from you just minutes.

You were the most beautiful baby that I had EVER seen! The moment I saw you I was filled with such pride! My baby boy, you are the most perfect thing I have ever seen. I am so proud of you! You were my, our little leader. Calling us out of our doupt and into faith. You have lead the way to heaven little prince and I will gladly follow you! I am SOOO excited to meet you in heaven! To get to hold you again! To hear all the storied that I have missed. Luckily you will not have to wait long for me, Heaven time is different then Earth time. So I will be seeing you soon! I am singing you s goodnight song tonoght little one! Thank you for sharing our lives the last 14 months. We miss you dearly! Yet we know that there is much for us to be doing until the day we get to see you in Heaven with Jesus!

Love you Joshua Alan, we love you!