Ambivalence

My sister had her baby. November 18th 2009. A beautiful, handsome, breathing baby boy. His name is Charles Greyson P. But he goes by Greyson. I was able to be at the hospital when Jess was going through all the labor and deliver. It was interesting. I passed by my hospital room every time I was walking to hers. And her mother/baby room was two down from where mine was. It was a strange few days.

Jess amazed us all. If she knows that of not I am unsure but she was so strong!! They ended up choosing a c-section because of multiple factors. Which I think was a really good choice. I did not realize how truly difficult if would be to watch my little sister in so much pain. The hardest part, for me, was the hour of surgery that Jess had to endure. No family except her fiance was aloud int eh room, then we would be unable to see her and the baby for two hours. Talk about a nightmare. I went home for those three hours. I stepped into my house and looked for something to do...dishes, putting the laundry in the dryer, vacuuming, cleaning up my room... i was frustrated and starting to run around when Matt (who was reading the paper at the dining room table) asked my to come sit down. It was not until Matt stood up, held my shoulders, and told me I was going to sit with him and relax that I understood why I was so frantically looking for something to do. My little sister was in an operating room with her new son and I had no idea how it would end. Would it look like how our lives did on June 3 at 1pm? Would I loose my sister? Would she loose her baby boy too? I told Matt how scared I was, I think that I cried when I told him. He said... "What is your worrying going to do? Can you will them to live? No, you need to let it go and pray." Honestly...my first thought was... NO. Ha, but when you talk to God; in any attitude. that is considered praying. So my next words to God were...I don't know if I would be able to still love you if I lost my sister.... And then I sat and Matt relaxed me a little. I took a shower and I walked out to a text from my mother (who I imagine had been much more worried then I) telling me all was well.

I got to meet Greyson a few hours later. I held him for a minute. Then the nurses came in and chatted with Jessica. Then one turned to me and said, "I am sorry about your loss." I had had a pretty good hold on myself up until that moment. And I walked out. I could not hide my broken heart anymore. I test a friend, who was sweet & she prayed for me. I did the best to compose myself and then said goodbye to Jess and went home and took a nap.

I could not help being proud of my little nephew and showed his picture off that night at church. I spoke with my pastor and I told him how I was doing, full of joy yet held under a shadow. He the explained to me the meaning of Ambivalence. It means to be attracted to something yet at the same time being repelled by it. Ha...that seems to be my life right now.

It is hard. The holiday presented itself to be more difficult in some unexpected ways. Matt and I both were having a difficult time and it was not until the evening that we really understood what was happening in the other. I told Matt that it was hard for me to hear everyone talking about Greyson and all his greatness. It hurt me. I missed my son. Matt said he was feelign the same way. At that moment, we were no longer alone in our pain but in allowing our hearts to be vulnerable we helped support each other. Matt told me that he had been having a hard few weeks. And I asked him to let me know next time. I may not be able to fix anything but at least he would know that he was not alone. And I could pray for him.

Greyson is lovely though. And his mother is strong. I am proud of them both very much.

5 Months

It has been 5 months since Joshua was born, since he died. Sometimes it feels like it has only been 5 days, sometimes it feels like it has been 5 years. And each memory is still as fresh as if it was unfolding. I remember the feel of the carpet under my bare feet as I walked back and forth to the NICU and my room. I remember picking you up for the first time.

Joshua, my prince, your mommy misses you. I wonder what you would have looked like, rosey cheeks? long and lean or short and stout. Your daddy is kind of short and stout. Long legs? I wonder what you would have looked like smiling, or laughing. You had your daddy's lips. Sometimes I look at your daddy's face and see you. I see other baby boys...they are so cute, but all i can think about is you. You are my precious little man and I am so glad that I had you. every pain and hurt, tear and trial...they were all worth it. I would do it again without blinking an eye. Because you, Joshua Alan, made me so happy. Feeling you kick, when you got the hiccups. Even all the pain of having you, you were worth every thing. every second. I am so glad that I got to be your mommy. Maybe, oneday when I get to heaven. I will get to meet my little monkey. I am so excited to see you smile and hold your hand and be your mommy. I love you baby boy! With every part of me. Tell Jesus to send your momma some peace. I love you. I love you. As long as I am living, my baby you'll be.

God, I am drounding. only you can keep my head above the water. and place my feet on dry land. help me not be afraid of the wind.