Burnt Tongue

Have you ever had a burnt tongue? I got one this morning. I was taking my first sip of a cup of hot chocolate and was expecting a very wonderful delight. But that is not what I got. It was HOT and very uncomfortable. I did not realize I was burn right away. I did however notice when I went to take my first bite of my breakfast. I could not taste anything at the tip of my tongue. Very frustrating because I was having raspberry-cream cheese stuffed french toast. It was then I noticed a slight burning/tingling irritation on my tongue. My taste buds had been burnt. After breakfast was over I forgot the hurt and went on with my day. But each time that I ate or drank something my tongue would hurt. Even now, at the day my tongue hurts while I drink.

The relevance?

I hurt. Every time I see a baby, a baby picture, baby clothes, baby books, baby cards, baby anything I feel a slight hurt. And the frustration with that is I can not get away from those things. Part of me would love to avoid babies and baby related items completely...yet that is impossible. One part of me is hurt from my loss. But another part of me is weighted by desire. I want baby. I desire to be a mother. Both of those things are mixed inside of me so often I am not sure if I ever know if what I am feeling is positive or negative. Which is frustrating. I only want the happiness part of the equation. I am tired of the melancholy and sober part of my hurt. Yes, I realize that what I ask is quite unreasonable yet it is frustrating to walk by a clothing rack with baby clothes and sorrow and wish at the same time. Another frustrating part of this whole mess is the fact that I know now is not a good time for us to have a baby. It is just true. And in our current circumstance I will have to be satisfied with waiting. I do not want to waste my waiting time. Cause there is a reason that I am doing it. But waiting sucks. So for now I will have to somehow embrace the sadness and desire that I feel when I walk by a baby or see a baby book. *sigh* this pain burns a lot longer then a hot chocolate...