Does anyone remember playing that "Ring around the Rosey" game? I do. I specifically remember playing with Jessica and our friend Katrina in the front yard of Katrina's house. At the time we knew there was something wrong about the game but as little kids we did not think too much of it. We did not think about what ashes were or where they came from.
We have Joshua's ashes in a little urn. It looks kind of like a shot glass with a lid. Not clear though. Have you ever looked at ashes? They are not really what you expect. I was expecting ashes like that of a camp fire. They really are broken up pieces of bones. They are not black but white like bone as well. Hmmm...I remember when we first picked up the urn from the mortuary. Interesting feeling holding a little shot glass smooth in your hand and walking down the street. No one knows what is in your hand or running through your mind. I set it on our bookself. Matt did not like it out on display but He did not make a fuss. Currently it is on our dresser. Most of the time I don't think about it being there. But ever once in a while over this last year I have gone over and picked it up. Held it in my fist for a few minutes occasionally crying. But I have not opened it since the first time.
We thought about scattering it or throwing it into the ocean at Heceta Head Lighthouse where Matthew proposed to me. And I thought that was a good idea. As the time grows nearer to that time my heart hurts. But I agreed to do it cause I felt that was something that Matthew needed to do to heal part of him. Yesturday I ordered a little keychain urn so that I could keep a little bit of the ashes. I can't really explain why I feel the need to keep a little part of them. Maybe cause I know that in my heart I will never let go of my son and giving up all of what is physically left of his body feels like letting go. or maybe it is a mixture of a thousand reasons.
Either way I was planning on not telling Matthew about my purchase but I know that it would have been a bad idea. So I mentioned it to him. His response was not favorable. I knew that he would dislike the idea. I said "I know that this is something that you need to do." He told me that he was not doing it for himself but because it is time for me to get over it. It has been a year and life goes on. I don't understand my husband. I don't understand how someone could be over that kind of loss so quickly. We never talk about Joshua unless I bring it up. And even then only 30% of the time does he actually talk back. The other 70% he either holds me or ignores me. He says I am not the only one greiving that he lost a son too...but I still so often feel alone in my hurting. I am not avoiding my feelings and emotions. When they come I feel them and when they pass I keep going. I know that how I am dealing with the situation is the best for me. I will be more whole in the end. I will have a scar but I will not have a festering infection. I am worried that Matthew will have an infection. This all could be wrong. Matthew could be dealing with all his emotions in a different and could really be as "over it" as he says he is...but I don't know cause he does not talk to me. Instead he watches tv, plays on the computer, and does all the other stuff that is normal.
We never came to a conclusion about my little urn that I bought. I am afraid to ask. We are designed so differently. He thinks that he is protecting me. I know that Matthew just wants me to be better and to be free. But I have to heal on my own timing or it is not healing it is pretending. The moment that I start pretending with Matthew that will be my first step toward divorce. We will not make it if I am not real with my husband. I just wish that he was real with me. I know that it sucks to talk about and that life is hard but if he does not share with me then it is going to harm us both. Sigh. Women and men are so different. I know without a doubt that most women in my situation would want to keep the ashes forever. I would love for his ashes to be put with Matthew's and mine. I bet that most men would agree with Matt. How do we bridge the gap of our gender?
As this week of intence rememberence begins, God I ask that you be our strength and prortion. Be our help in time of need. Help us love others, be a light for you, and most of all...heal. I don't know what it will be like but please bring my husband and I closer. Please bridge the gap of our differences, He is who you gave me to be my physical representation of you. Yes never perfect but I ask that you impress upon Matthew the love and comfort that you want to give me. I need it. I need you. And I need my husband to be real with me. We all know that I am gonna be tearfully real. I ask that you do not go easy on us...but that during this storm we will trust you whole heartedly even when our eyes see the intensity of the storm. We choose you today and everyday. Be our strength and provision. We love you! and God you are Good!
Amen
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