Avoid

Trying not to think is probably one of the most annoying and exhausting things that I can do. I am sure this is not the same for everyone; there has to be people who are great at not thinking…I am not one of them. Mother’s Day. I can say that I did really well. By “well” I mean that I did not shed one tear.   The problem with saying that I did well is how I achieved it. I did well because I spent the whole day distracting myself but thinking about other things and focusing on other people. If I were to think about my personal situation I would have been unable to function. I think that what I am saying is kind of an oxymoron. I did not think about my reality therefore I survived the day…yet were I to think about the reality then I would have been a wreck. The only problem with this thinking is that I feel like I lied all day. I read the Mother’s Day Cards, wished others a happy day, smiled, laughed, played with my 6 month old nephew…but I functioned out of avoidance. Matthew would say that is okay and that I was not doing anything wrong; which may be true for some people. But I feel like a fraud. The problem that I have with “acting” my way through a holiday is not that I am lying but that I want to be whole. I don’t want to be injured, broken, hurting. I want to be joyful, at peace, hopeful. I have this big injury that will always be a “ thorn in my side” and I am not used to that idea yet. I have not quite accepted this place that I am bound. Frustrating. The apostle Paul is who I think about most. He had a thorn in his side. I wonder what that thorn was. Was it an actual thorn…or a person, a situation, a failure? Three times he asked God to take it away. God did not. Instead he said, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to constantly need someone to make me whole. Ugly but true. I want to be the boss. I want to be in control. I want to be whole.

I did have a good Mother’s Day. Just not used to my “thorn” yet.

Speaking of avoiding thinking; Joshua’s 1st birthday is next month Thursday, June 3. I wanted a party with lots of family and friends but Matthew thought that idea was weird. I think that a get together is a great idea because both of us are prone to mope. And one of the things that keep us from being depressed is being around people. When we are around people that love us then we don’t have to pretend we are whole. So we are having a party (only a family one ) and I am making invitations.  Getting all the details together helps the time go by. I keep telling Matthew that I just want July to be here. Joshua’s birthday will be over and there will be no more 1st birthdays amongst our friends. I just have to make it through July. Then I will get a few months to rest before more holidays hit and the reminder of my lack becomes more evident.

I am hurting.