Big Brother

Hey there my little man. Wow your a year in a half..already. Gosh time goes by so quickly. I know that I did not get to see you grow and learn and change but your friends down here (like Nay Nay and your cousin Grayson) are growing so quickly! I can see them learning so fast; I can imagine what seeing you grow would be like! I am so proud of you! I was looking at your pictures today again. How gorgeous you are. I am still amazed at how your daddy and I could have been blessed with such a stunning child. It is funny because I thought that I saw everything about your lovely face, hands and feet when you were born but looking at those pictures I can see things I never saw before. You had a single freckle under your left eye. And you had short eyelashes (sorry about that). Your hands were the only chubby part on your body with little double dimples everywhere. I can't wait to see you little one. I can't wait to be in Heaven and have you in my arms again. Whatever size you are! I can't wait for God to proudly show me all your wonderful accomplishments! Oh my little monkey...mommy loves you. Heart and soul.

So... daddy and I have some exciting news for you! You're gonna be a BIG BROTHER!! Yay! I am sure that you are already a wonderful big brother up there! And I am already so very proud of you. I wish you were here to feel the new baby when he/she kicks and hear their heartbeat...awh... how beautifully sweet. But I do believe that you have had a sneak peek. I bet you already know if it is a boy or girl (I am a bit jealous!) I wonder if God has told you secrets of the future! How delightful. My little monkey a part of our future forever! I am so thankful for you! Almost 12 weeks old. The baby looks kind of like a 2" alien right now. Haha. It is a good thing that it has a while to go. Alien babies might not be as welcomed into our crazy world. You were an alien baby too...two plus years ago! I have talked about you a lot over the last few weeks. Have I told you how much I love and adore you Joshua. I do.

Well, here we are again; the brink of goodbyes. I know there is no such thing now...but I always feel a little sorrow when I set this down. Thinking about you often and loving you always.

-Mommy

Overcoming Worry

Worried. I have not made my first doctors apt yet. The “excuse” that I give everyone is that not going makes the time go by faster. But the truth is that I am scared. I am scared they will tell me that something is wrong with the baby: that the baby is not growing or is too small. I know that this fear is distracting. It is hard to get over. I called Friday to make an appointment and I got butterflies when I got the phone number. I had them throughout the call until the answering machine reminded me that the clinic is closed on Fridays. I don’t want to be afraid. I know God’s plans are good but they are often hard for me to understand. And there were definitely moments over the last two years that the lack of understanding cracked my heart. I want to fall in love again…but I am afraid.

So many people ask me how I am doing and how the baby is...and I don’t want to answer them. I kind of want no one to acknowledge that there is a baby growing because their recognition makes the baby real…it also makes the possibility of heartbreak real. Matt would laugh at me if he heard those thoughts. Not because he is rude but because of my belief that the non-attention would make me be less hurt. He is right. Even in my thoughts he is right. (That can be a bit annoying.) I will be hurt if something negative happens to the baby no matter what. I am already in too deep.

I know that God is good and that He loves me. I also know that I have survived a broken heart once before and if that is in my future I can do it again. Honestly, it would be worth it to me to fall head over heels in love again; even if it meant I would loose. All those precious (yet sometimes annoying) moments that I felt my little man was kicking. The moment I found out it was a boy: such a beautiful paradigm shift in my heart and mind. When I held his precious body in my arms. The pride. Yes, even if the outcome is the same…or worse… I will accept it willingly just for those moments that knocked me off my feet and made me understand unconditional love.

God, you know my heart. It is a mothers’. You have heard them before. You heard Mary’s heart cry out to you for her son. And the billions of mothers after, each pleading for your grace, hope, and favor. We all desire the same thing… the best for our children. And that is what I ask now. I ask even though it may mean sacrificing. If it is the best… if it is your best. I will say yes. Please calm my fears. Fill me with peace. I need your peace. Bless my baby. You know what I want but you want even more for him/her then I could ever imagine, teach me to be comforted in that. All I have is yours.

Grrr

Ii am angry and hurt...but mostly angry.

sigh

Feeling up and down today. Full of emotions. Can't pin point a cause I just know that I feel pathetic.

Dear Joshua

Hey there my little man,

I miss you tonight just a little extra. I have been thinking about you so much this last week. I dreamt I had you in my arms again. It was amazing. I knew though that I did not have very long. The last thing I remember was being on my knees begging God to keep you. Then I woke up. That was a hard day. I know that you probably know so much more then I do right now. It has been hard here though. I don't know all the reasons and I don't understand them. I miss feeling you kick. I miss getting annoyed at you for keeping me up all night with your wiggling. I miss falling in love with you. I was looking back at old pictures. Goodness gracious you took up a lot of room in my tummy. I was huge! No really, I was BIG. lol you liked your space. Then I looked back at pictures of when we had you. Your daddy was so amazing! He loved your mommy the way a man is suppose to. He was there for you and was the first person who picked you up and held you. Goodness I remember those moments. Darling I miss your little feet, your little hands. I miss your hiccups and your karate moves. I miss holding you. I am so proud of you monkey. You are my son and I love you so much. If you were here I would whisper my loves in your little ears. I would rock you til my arms were numb. I would make you laugh and smile. I would read you books and sing you songs. Daddy and I would talk you for walks and talk on and on to strangers about how quickly you are learning and growing. Joshua, my love, you are so wonderful! I wonder what you are doing in Heaven. I wonder what it is like. Do you get to play in sand boxes and slide down curvy slides? Do you get to grow up and experience all the fun stuff? I hope you do! I miss you monkey. With all my heart I love you. I love you I love you I love you...

Love you Mommy


God,
Oh my heart aches. My soul longs. A shadow of sorrow has descended upon me... be my healer. Be my helper. Be the one who lifts me on your knee and pulls me close. I miss my baby. It was so real. I was on my knees and so conscious of what I was asking for. I knew what your answer was already going to be too. Yet I wept and asked anyway. Please help me be strong. Thank you teaching my husband when to comfort me. I know that he did not want me to do this tonight yet he let me remember and look back. He let me feel. I appreciate him so much. Please bring him an extra portion of grace, mercy, and favor. Please give him huge favor at is job. Allow his bosses to see his hard work and reward it quickly and in abundance. Allow him to being to feel your presence in a greater way. Please show him how much you are proud of him! Thank you for giving me him. For all that has happened and all that we have gone through I know that he is my perfect match. I know that he is the most amazing man. I know that you are good because you gave me Mattie to take care of me. I know that you have me the best. Please have you will in our lives. We ask for financial favor so that we can get our own place. We ask for favor finding a car that is great and not much money. We ask for direction and wisdom in our steps that we may please you, bless others, and live with joy and life abundantly. Thank you for loving us so much. Thank you for constantly being our rock, my rock. I will die with praise on my lips for you are worthy and you are good. I love you. Thank you for my life, my husband, and my son.
Amen

Memories:

Joshua's Bills

Joshua's bills are finally paid off. It is an exhilarating feeling to no longer have that burden on us. It has been stressful and caused us to get behind on some stuff that we needed to get out of the way. But God has been so faithful to us. We have seen the perfect in people. Their willingness to love us and share our burden has lifted it. The verse that says two is better then one and three can not be broken is true. Praise God.

Random feelings that passed over me when I knew we were done with Joshua's bills. Relief. Joy. Thankfulness. Hope. and a little sadness. I was surprised by the sadness. I did not expect that to be a part of the mixed emotions. It came because I was thinking about how long I have thought about this debt and how it has been a part of my life for the last year. It has been one of the ways that I thought about Joshua. One of the ways that I held onto him. It is gone now and for a second I got sad. I won't have to think on it anymore. ... I don't want to forget my son. This is just one more adjustment that I have to make. One more shift of thought and feeling. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this change...but as usual I am.

Dear God,
Thank you for taking care of us. Thank you for reminding me through Andrew that this is not something that I have earned or deserve. Help me remember that this is a time for you to fit the hole in the bottom of my cup. Help me trust that even though that means I have to be completely poured out that you will make me whole and useful again. You will fill me up and make me clean. Help me in my weakness. Help me love more. I trust you and I am so thankful for you. And I know this is is temporal but will you help me have the discipline to loose the weight I have not gotten off yet. It is so discouraging to my heart. It is a reminder that I am not who I was. Reminds me of what I am missing. Sigh. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me. Amen

Week 26 Pets Challenge

This is my Pet Photo.

Season

Life is hard right now. I don't know when it will get better. I trust that is will...eventually. Hopefully there won't be too much loss...

Happy Birthday Joshua Alan!

My precious son...

I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant. I am not gonna lie sweetheart, but I was scared. I knew I was going to be a mother one day but Daddy and I were so young the idea scared us. It took me about a week until I really understood how excited I was. I made sure I ate my vitamins and drank lots of water. I should have exercised. I took pictures of my tummy every few weeks throughout the whole time you were in there! It was so cool to see how you grew little by little then really fast all at once. The first few times i felt you move it felt like little bubbles were popping in my tummy. Haha I know it sounds silly. But you were a strong little monkey in there and it was not long before I knew for sure the bouncing I felt in my tummy was you. You silly thing. I loved feeling you kick. Most of the time. I remember the first time Daddy felt you kick. His eyes got big and he pulled his hand away. lol But it was not the last time Daddy felt you. You little stinker. You woke him up almost every night kicking him in the back. Daddy was really fussy. But he loved it. You slept all day and played all night. OH....I remember the first time that we tried to find out if you were a he or she...you little wiggler. You wiggled so much that we had to wait another month to find out. That was not very nice at all. But at 24 weeks I went in, Daddy had to work, and found out you were my little man. My precious little prince. I went to the Oregon Duck store (I am sure that you are a hard core Duck fan!) and picked out a little outfit for you, wrapped it and then brought it to Daddy. He was kind of shocked that you were a boy (he probably will tell you that's not true...but it is). Oh it was right around then that Your Auntie Jessica told me she too was going to have a baby! We were so excited that you were going to have a cousin.

Months went by quickly but when it came to your due date that passed slowly. Daddy was invited on a camping trip with some of his friends and Mommy said no way. You were due May 25th and that was memorial day. But you were a stinker and waited 8 more days. I know now that those 8 days were another one of God's gifts to me. He knew that I would want a little more time with my Heaven-bound angel. You are my angel Joshua. My precious prince that awaits me in Heaven. I am so excited to see you. False labor started and I was so excited and nervous and worried...and I went to the midwifery and they gave me some sleeping pills and sent me home to bed. This was Tuesday June 1st. Daddy went to work the rest of the day and I slept. But family from out of town came in...all ready to meet you. The next day I was feeling fine and Daddy went to work and I cleaned the house cause there was not a lot to do other then wait for your sassy little behind. That night we went to dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Nice's house. During dinner I felt contractions steadily but I was so tired of being excited I ignored them. I told Daddy on the way home that I thought you might try to escape that night. Poor Daddy was so tired. We went to bed at I was up two hours later for the bathroom. I laid back in bed and all of a sudden it felt as if someone (I won't name any names) gave me a swift kick. Seconds later the water came. "Matt...my water broke." I said it quietly to Daddy. When he stumbled out of bed he told me that "Next time I should wake him up more gentle." Hahaha... I pray that you have the personality like your daddy, he is so funny! I am sure you have all of Heaven smiling up there. We went to the hospital and spent the next 12 hours birthing you. You were no picnic either my little monkey. You were wiggling around and kicking me in the ribs. Very obnoxious. I even felt you kicking as I was pushing. You were doing just fine...and you know the rest of the story. I am sure that Jesus was waiting with us in that room just like the doctor who was ready to catch you coming out. Jesus is much quicker then she was.

Baby Boy, on this your first birthday...I want you to know... I am so proud of you! So proud. Never in my life have I experienced the intensity of love and pride then when I held you in my arms. You are my little monkey, my Joshua Alan. I love you more then life. And so does Daddy. We have loved you since we knew you were created and we will love you until beyond the end of time...because you are my forever son. And when we meet again in Heaven oh what a celebration it will be! I reunion filled by the most precious thing of all...Love.

I love you Joshua Alan Nice, my little monkey...Forever is how long a mother's love lasts.


Dear Father,
You have my son. Please throw a big party. He deserves it. Please give him a hug and kiss for me today and everyday. Make the days swift til I get to see his face. Help me have patience to not waste m time here but change the lives of those you have called me to. I will not fully understand until I see your face...but I want to make you proud none-the-less. Please cover us today. Matthew, Me, and all our family and friends. Please bring us that same joy that you did in the Hospital. Please show your grace efficient today. This weekend. Next week. Next month. Next year. We will need it in different ways but our need for it will never lessen. We trust you. We know that you are good. And I know that you love Me and My Mattie and My Monkey. Thank you for loving us so much.
I love you back.

Ashes Ashes We All Fall Down

Does anyone remember playing that "Ring around the Rosey" game? I do. I specifically remember playing with Jessica and our friend Katrina in the front yard of Katrina's house. At the time we knew there was something wrong about the game but as little kids we did not think too much of it. We did not think about what ashes were or where they came from.

We have Joshua's ashes in a little urn. It looks kind of like a shot glass with a lid. Not clear though. Have you ever looked at ashes? They are not really what you expect. I was expecting ashes like that of a camp fire. They really are broken up pieces of bones. They are not black but white like bone as well. Hmmm...I remember when we first picked up the urn from the mortuary. Interesting feeling holding a little shot glass smooth in your hand and walking down the street. No one knows what is in your hand or running through your mind. I set it on our bookself. Matt did not like it out on display but He did not make a fuss. Currently it is on our dresser. Most of the time I don't think about it being there. But ever once in a while over this last year I have gone over and picked it up. Held it in my fist for a few minutes occasionally crying. But I have not opened it since the first time.

We thought about scattering it or throwing it into the ocean at Heceta Head Lighthouse where Matthew proposed to me. And I thought that was a good idea. As the time grows nearer to that time my heart hurts. But I agreed to do it cause I felt that was something that Matthew needed to do to heal part of him. Yesturday I ordered a little keychain urn so that I could keep a little bit of the ashes. I can't really explain why I feel the need to keep a little part of them. Maybe cause I know that in my heart I will never let go of my son and giving up all of what is physically left of his body feels like letting go. or maybe it is a mixture of a thousand reasons.

Either way I was planning on not telling Matthew about my purchase but I know that it would have been a bad idea. So I mentioned it to him. His response was not favorable. I knew that he would dislike the idea. I said "I know that this is something that you need to do." He told me that he was not doing it for himself but because it is time for me to get over it. It has been a year and life goes on. I don't understand my husband. I don't understand how someone could be over that kind of loss so quickly. We never talk about Joshua unless I bring it up. And even then only 30% of the time does he actually talk back. The other 70% he either holds me or ignores me. He says I am not the only one greiving that he lost a son too...but I still so often feel alone in my hurting. I am not avoiding my feelings and emotions. When they come I feel them and when they pass I keep going. I know that how I am dealing with the situation is the best for me. I will be more whole in the end. I will have a scar but I will not have a festering infection. I am worried that Matthew will have an infection. This all could be wrong. Matthew could be dealing with all his emotions in a different and could really be as "over it" as he says he is...but I don't know cause he does not talk to me. Instead he watches tv, plays on the computer, and does all the other stuff that is normal.

We never came to a conclusion about my little urn that I bought. I am afraid to ask. We are designed so differently. He thinks that he is protecting me. I know that Matthew just wants me to be better and to be free. But I have to heal on my own timing or it is not healing it is pretending. The moment that I start pretending with Matthew that will be my first step toward divorce. We will not make it if I am not real with my husband. I just wish that he was real with me. I know that it sucks to talk about and that life is hard but if he does not share with me then it is going to harm us both. Sigh. Women and men are so different. I know without a doubt that most women in my situation would want to keep the ashes forever. I would love for his ashes to be put with Matthew's and mine. I bet that most men would agree with Matt. How do we bridge the gap of our gender?

As this week of intence rememberence begins, God I ask that you be our strength and prortion. Be our help in time of need. Help us love others, be a light for you, and most of all...heal. I don't know what it will be like but please bring my husband and I closer. Please bridge the gap of our differences, He is who you gave me to be my physical representation of you. Yes never perfect but I ask that you impress upon Matthew the love and comfort that you want to give me. I need it. I need you. And I need my husband to be real with me. We all know that I am gonna be tearfully real. I ask that you do not go easy on us...but that during this storm we will trust you whole heartedly even when our eyes see the intensity of the storm. We choose you today and everyday. Be our strength and provision. We love you! and God you are Good!
Amen

Remember Me

When we first lost Joshua...those days in the hospital and the 6 weeks that followed...we were under the rich covering and grace of God. I think that He shielded us from the fullness of the hurt and pain that loosing Joshua entailed. For whatever reason, maybe to just be able to get out of bed, we needed it. But now I think that God has lessened his shield. The emotions and thoughts that I am having are huge. Bigger then those I felt in the hospital or any time after. Beyond anything that I have ever felt in my life. Bigger then any tangible or explainable sensation. I think back on all the times where I felt like I was drowning. Those times I was floating in a life raft in the ocean. Now I am without the life raft. Just me treading water in the ocean. It is very scary. I was telling m mother in-law how nervous I am to experience the next two weeks. I am nervous because the size of the emotions that wash over me are crushing. Breaking my bones with each blow. There are moments of silence between the blows. But every blow knocks me down.

I feel bad for Matthew. What a horrific experience for him, for any man. He is unable to be my protector in this. I am sure he feels like he is failing in some way. Yes he gets to be one of my comforters...but he can not protect me from any pain. He can not stop the blows that are overwhelming me. He just gets to wait anxiously for them to come and pray like hell that they pass quickly. I hope that God touches you Matthew. You are not failing. You are not failing me.

I can not stop thinking about those days in the hospital. I know every detail by heart. I remember so much. Most of all I remember how much I loved my baby. "Maybe's" fill my head. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe it would have been different if I had had a c-section, maybe it would have been easier if I had not picked him up. Maybe...maybe...maybe... But of course I know deep inside me that those are just silly questions. I know the answer. In a perfect world Matthew and I would have Joshua right now. We would be planning a first birthday party. We would see a bright future. But we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a broken, hurting, corrupt, angry, bitter world. Joshua is in Heaven. We are on Earth. And we now have experienced brokenness. And God, who knows and formed our hearts, has chosen us to go out and love on the hurting. I know why God wants the broken to comfort the broken...cause broken people don't want to be pitied, they want to be understood. I understand now. Because the peace that I have despite all my brokenness can only be found in GOD. There is no other person, drug, thing. Money will not heal, more babies will not heal. Only God can heal broken hearts. So I will weep with those who have lost and share the one who has helped me through many tearful nights... I wonder what else God has in store for me to do?

God, what are we suppose to be learning? You know. We don't. ONE year. You have had Joshua with you longer then I had him with me. Is the hurt and pain I feel reasonable or am I just being weak. Am I suppose to take it hard or take it easy. You know me, you made me. I need people but don't want to be needy. I want help but don't want to be helpless. I want to be loved but not pitied. I seem to be living my own set of contradictions. I know that I will get through this. I know that you have a plan and purpose for Matthew and my life. I know that you love me. I know that you are good. I know that whatever happens, even the worst thing imaginable, you will be my rock and strength and portion. I KNOW YOU ARE GOOD. Help me remember. Help me not be afraid to feel. I am terrified. It hurts so much. I miss so deeply. You know how I feel. Help. Remember me. Help. Remember me. Help. Please don't forget me.

Avoid

Trying not to think is probably one of the most annoying and exhausting things that I can do. I am sure this is not the same for everyone; there has to be people who are great at not thinking…I am not one of them. Mother’s Day. I can say that I did really well. By “well” I mean that I did not shed one tear.   The problem with saying that I did well is how I achieved it. I did well because I spent the whole day distracting myself but thinking about other things and focusing on other people. If I were to think about my personal situation I would have been unable to function. I think that what I am saying is kind of an oxymoron. I did not think about my reality therefore I survived the day…yet were I to think about the reality then I would have been a wreck. The only problem with this thinking is that I feel like I lied all day. I read the Mother’s Day Cards, wished others a happy day, smiled, laughed, played with my 6 month old nephew…but I functioned out of avoidance. Matthew would say that is okay and that I was not doing anything wrong; which may be true for some people. But I feel like a fraud. The problem that I have with “acting” my way through a holiday is not that I am lying but that I want to be whole. I don’t want to be injured, broken, hurting. I want to be joyful, at peace, hopeful. I have this big injury that will always be a “ thorn in my side” and I am not used to that idea yet. I have not quite accepted this place that I am bound. Frustrating. The apostle Paul is who I think about most. He had a thorn in his side. I wonder what that thorn was. Was it an actual thorn…or a person, a situation, a failure? Three times he asked God to take it away. God did not. Instead he said, “My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to constantly need someone to make me whole. Ugly but true. I want to be the boss. I want to be in control. I want to be whole.

I did have a good Mother’s Day. Just not used to my “thorn” yet.

Speaking of avoiding thinking; Joshua’s 1st birthday is next month Thursday, June 3. I wanted a party with lots of family and friends but Matthew thought that idea was weird. I think that a get together is a great idea because both of us are prone to mope. And one of the things that keep us from being depressed is being around people. When we are around people that love us then we don’t have to pretend we are whole. So we are having a party (only a family one ) and I am making invitations.  Getting all the details together helps the time go by. I keep telling Matthew that I just want July to be here. Joshua’s birthday will be over and there will be no more 1st birthdays amongst our friends. I just have to make it through July. Then I will get a few months to rest before more holidays hit and the reminder of my lack becomes more evident.

I am hurting.

Burnt Tongue

Have you ever had a burnt tongue? I got one this morning. I was taking my first sip of a cup of hot chocolate and was expecting a very wonderful delight. But that is not what I got. It was HOT and very uncomfortable. I did not realize I was burn right away. I did however notice when I went to take my first bite of my breakfast. I could not taste anything at the tip of my tongue. Very frustrating because I was having raspberry-cream cheese stuffed french toast. It was then I noticed a slight burning/tingling irritation on my tongue. My taste buds had been burnt. After breakfast was over I forgot the hurt and went on with my day. But each time that I ate or drank something my tongue would hurt. Even now, at the day my tongue hurts while I drink.

The relevance?

I hurt. Every time I see a baby, a baby picture, baby clothes, baby books, baby cards, baby anything I feel a slight hurt. And the frustration with that is I can not get away from those things. Part of me would love to avoid babies and baby related items completely...yet that is impossible. One part of me is hurt from my loss. But another part of me is weighted by desire. I want baby. I desire to be a mother. Both of those things are mixed inside of me so often I am not sure if I ever know if what I am feeling is positive or negative. Which is frustrating. I only want the happiness part of the equation. I am tired of the melancholy and sober part of my hurt. Yes, I realize that what I ask is quite unreasonable yet it is frustrating to walk by a clothing rack with baby clothes and sorrow and wish at the same time. Another frustrating part of this whole mess is the fact that I know now is not a good time for us to have a baby. It is just true. And in our current circumstance I will have to be satisfied with waiting. I do not want to waste my waiting time. Cause there is a reason that I am doing it. But waiting sucks. So for now I will have to somehow embrace the sadness and desire that I feel when I walk by a baby or see a baby book. *sigh* this pain burns a lot longer then a hot chocolate...

Divorce

I was wondering about the divorce rates of couples who loose a child, so I "googled" it. The stats ranged from 16%-90% of couples divorced after loosing a child. One person commented that the reasons for the divorce were less about the child lost but stated that it was the inherent issues in the relationship prior to the loss that was the real cause of the divorce and those who did divorce after a loss were bound to do it anyway.


I get divorce after child loss. I understand how it could happen. You have two completely different people who have just had their hope, faith, and heart shattered into a million different pieces and they deal with it completely different. One needs to talk it out, expresses emotions and feelings. The other avoids the topic. One cries and wonders what would have been, falls asleep weeping. The other tries to only think on the good. Each is in their own way coping with the tragedy the only way they know how. Sometimes trying to make it through the day means stepping away from the negative and filling life with stuff, distractions. Sometimes even if a person wants to ignore and avoid the reality it is impossible. And then in the midst of this very painful and personal struggle you are reminded that you are not alone in your pain. I am sure it is very unlikely that two people who are in a relationship will handle the brokenness in the same manner. So impossibly, you are now not only responsible for trying to make it out of bed and through the day hoping you will heal; you also have to be there for another person who maybe trying to heal the exact opposite way then you. Seems so unfair.

Yes we all enter marriage banged up and selfish. There are childhood problems, parental problems, pre-relationship problems, rejection problems, failure problems, past relationship problems, and a whole slough of other problems. Saying that anyone goes into a marriage whole and healed would be a pathetic lie. We all carry scars the level of healing that they are at may vary slightly but they are still visible. There is not neosporin for the scars on our soul. Those are permanent. So blaming a divorce on past problems is silly... of course it is because of past issues. But it is also because we as humans don't know how to comfort each other. And because we are humans more often then not we are repelled by the thought of comforting another because that requires selflessness and empathy. Which means that your heart will break for anothers'. Who wants to choose that. OR the other reason that we don't comfort another is because we are going through such a broken place that we think we will be no help; that our offering is so small that it can not possibly do anything. LIES. Really? Really? would not you want someone to hug you if your mother died. Or would you prefer everyone just ignore it. Pretend that nothing is different; when you know damn well that the earth has literally shifted on its axis...at least your world has.

Where is God in all of this brokenness? Well there are definitely days I want to say that he is lounging in the clouds somewhere watching a really good sports game. Or maybe he is creating the most perfect sunset. It most certainly does not feel like he is here with me; when I am crying myself to sleep, feeling broken and alone, rejected by my husband who does not see I need his arms to comfort me. And then, most annoyingly, I think of a baby born in a stable. Interesting. God literally has been where I am. He had a little boy and then his little boy was killed innocent. I am sure God weighed his options. It was not like God was all out of ideas and said "what the heck...maybe this will work." NO. There was literally no other option. No other way to save the people he loved from the devastating sin that completely cut them off from easy relationship with himself. Sacrifice in the past years had atoned for the sins of individuals. Yet how could a whole world of people and the thousands of generations to come...would our lives be forever bound by sacrifice. Each of us trying so desperately to please God but unable to get away from our daily, minutely sin (bad thoughts, lust, greed, anger, violence, frustration, doubt). God, THE GOD who created life had to give up his most valued possession, his son. An interesting thought I just had... why did God wait so long to give his son to die in our place? Couldn't of that been done on day seven? (The day God rested after he made everything)I would like to suggest that maybe it was because he LOVED his son. Giving up your son so that others can live. Talk about a weighted decision. If you had a child...would you do it. Maybe you might weigh the options: how many lives would be saved? How would your child have to die? Those might be some questions you would ask yourself. But what if you knew that your child was going to die being blamed for things he/she did not do. That her/his death would cause them the most physical pain as possible. And that your child was going to know that you chose to let them die when you were the only person who could have saved them. That "yes" that may have been on your lips is gone now, huh. I know there is no way that I would ever do that. Nope. Even when I think about all the good it could bring. Now I would give my own life...but not my child's. That is what God had to choose.

So next time I am weeping myself to sleep I hope that my heart will remember that I am not alone. I know that the pain will probably not go away. There is no quick fix to my brokenness. It will be my there my whole life. But at least I know that I am in the true company of God. My loss, though great in my eyes, is not as painful as many other people's stories.

God, how did you feel on the night Jesus died? Where you in tears fighting back your anger? Do you ever grasp your son's pierced hand and cringe, apologizing for what had to be done. I bet Jesus smiles at you and says, "it was worth it." And I bet you are again moved to tears with joy and pride that you have such an amazing son. Yup, you must know exactly how I feel. Since you do, could you please grant me peace tonight. Help me love my husband even though it is hard. Please bless our relationship and make it immovably strong and powerful. These are the desires of my heart. Thank you for making sure I am not alone tonight.
Amen

Paralyzed

The dictionary definition of Paralyzed: "to affect with paralysis; to make unable to move or act; to impair the progress to functioning of, to make inoperative or powerless."

Typically we think that someone who is paralyzed is unable to move or function part of their physical body. Yet paralysis can consume so much deeper then the visual aspects of a person. It can pierce to the core emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Something inside that person is unable to move forward. It is bound deep inside them unable to be reached and healed. Like an tumor that is inoperable because it is wrapped around a major artery. With the only choices being: a short paralyzed life or an operation that could end in death.

I was sitting at the food court at the mall with Matthew yesterday when I experienced the feeling of being paralyzed. We were eating lunch and chatting about something or another and I saw a new baby being held by a mother. The baby must have only been a few weeks old. I looked at Matt and smiled. "I want one." He looked critically at me and said no. "Why?" was his main question. "I want to be a mommy. I want to have a new baby and then a toddler. I want to teach my children how to cook. Go shopping with them. Hide Easter eggs and plan birthday parties. I want to have the house were my child can come with his/her friends and have treats for them." He laughed and said, "Later." Less then a minute later, as I was looking around and noticed a middle school aged boy sitting and eating his lunch alone. And I was paralyzed. I was gripped with sorrow and fear. I looked at Matt with ears brimming on my eyes and said, "I change my mind. I don't want any children." "What? Why?" was his response. All I could think of was...what if our baby gets hurt? Has no friends? Feels alone? "What if he has not friends Matt? What if he does bad things? What if he gets his heart broken? I can't handle that." And I don't think I can. Matt asked my why I was so worried. Those are things I have no control over. He could not understand the weight of fear that I felt. I see my brother and his broken heart. His angry spirit. What if he does not get out. What if he says no to God and does not let his heart be healed. What if someone else breaks his heart. I remember my childhood and all the brokenness that I felt. I NEVER want my child to experience that kind of brokenness and fear. Yes I understand the good that came from those scars but God is still mending them. In fact, I will be working to unlearn them for the rest of my life.

This sounds terrible but at this moment, the truth is: I am afraid that God will not protect my baby. It breaks my heart to say it. And even as I think and write it the Holy Spirit is whispering hope into my soul. Telling me that He is protecting my little man. How He loves Joshua so much: that is why he is in Heaven. My future is planned and protected, anointed. And yet... I still feel: impaired.

It is depressing because I felt the last few months that I have been growing and moving positively. And now I feel defeated. Bound. Hurting. Scattered. Backwards. How do I get the faith to trust God. Yes God is good but hurt happens because we are on earth..... I am so frustrated.defeated.

God, how do I trust you to take care of those that I love. How do I trust you to protect us against the hurt and broken. God please help me. I feel so broken. Choking on my fear. I can't live this way. Please fight for me. Please be my healer and strength. I need you. I need hope for the future. I get so crushed by my emotions. Will you help me know when to give weight to the emotions that I feel and when to let them fall at your feet. Help me be functional. I love you. Amen.

180 Degrees

When I found out I was pregnant with Joshua I burst into tears and continued to weep for the rest of the night. I was shocked and could not imagine the plans God had for me. It was not til the next morning that I could really begin to accept that God had different plan for me then I had for myself. HaHa!

I recently experienced a one eighty in that department. I was six days late this month. Six days is huge for someone who is as regular as the sunrise. For example the only time I was late in my life was when we found out I was pregnant with Joshua.

I had some mixed emotions as each day ticked by. Yes, I was slightly frightened but mostly... I was excited! My emotions made no since. Matt has no job. In fact he plans on going back to school in the fall. We live with my grandmother. I make barely enough money to pay our current bills. We have a little bit of debt. All of our circumstances prove that right now would be a terrible time to have a baby. And yet I was not afraid. All I could think about is how wonderful it would be. Vainly enough the only things that disappointed me about the possibility of being pregnant was that my "skinniness" (I have worked super hard for the last few months) would be gone. I would also miss Matt and my "one on one" relationship. But other then that all the fear and worry of our situational reality did not matter a bit. I think that my confidence came from my past experience. My son died... but God was there. He was holding my hand the whole time. Whispering in my ear, telling me to rest in him, telling me that He had a plan, telling me that my son was going to change lives. God showed up and proved that he can turn brokenness, whole again. That the blind can see. I still hear and see the influence that our son has had on our lives and the lives of others. Another beautiful result is others seeing the peace that Matthew and I have even during our sorrow. There is nothing else in the world as powerful as a life that has experienced God's designed brokenness. Because most people who have been though brokenness have then experienced God's pre-planned healing. Which, though still painful and difficult, places value and honor on the experience and gives it meaning which in turn heals.

All that to say... I was excited to be late! Yet I am a terrible secret keeper and keeping a secret like this from Matt is impossible. So in my own wiggly overstimulated way I mentioned to him how I was late. His response was mostly silent with a nod and "Ok". Day six my wait was over. I was not pregnant. Disappointment is the main emotion that overcame me. The emotion was surprisingly overwhelming. It was not until Matthew pointed out my bad attitude and asked "why" that I recognized that I was truly sorry I was not pregnant. Matt's response to my revelation was "Really!? We are in such a bad place for a baby." I shrugged my shoulder and only the tears rolling off my cheeks answered him. He hugged me. What a good man. I am sure in his mind he was thanking God that I did not get what I wanted and rolling his eyes at my tears. Still wishing I was wrong I took a pregnancy test because I was hoping that I was wrong. Guess what...the test was negative.

Yes, now is not the time. But I am excitedly awaiting the day that God allows me to have a baby; if he gives me that opportunity. I want his plans. And even though it is hard to not know the future I would not have it anyway. I don't want to know my future failures: depressing. I don't want to know my future joys; it would make me ungrateful. I think it is one of the sweet ways that God shows his desire for us. He wants us to seek him. So that we bring him our hopes, fears, dreams, and worries. So that we, as overconfident human beings, we recognize our need for the creator of the universe.

I have a deeper trust in God because of the truth that was given me.



ON a completely different note:
I saw a person through the eyes of God today. I have been asking God for more compassion for his people. And the person that I saw does not deserve to be forgiven, has cheated, broken hearts, done drugs, etc... and yet I looked over at him at the dinner table and saw a broken, hurting, starving man. Yes, he is still choosing to live a life of brokenness and pain. But deep down he wants more. He wants to be better but does not believe he is worthy of love or true forgiveness. And he is not...excepting the incredible forgiveness and power of Christ Jesus' bloody death on a tree. It hurt physically and in my soul to see this man through the eyes of Christ. I was left with the thought: "What now? What do I do with this view God? How do I love him so he knows you love him?"

God, please help me see others like you do more often. Help me be bold and do what you call me to do. Thank you for your grace you have had with me. Please free Kathy and Bill from the chains of the enemy that are choking them. Please God. In your anointed son's name. Amen.

Season of Waves

I knew that after loosing Joshua I would go through seasons of grief. Some would be harder then others and then some would be easier. I think that I am on the brink of a harder season. The reason being: Joshua's one year birthday is in two months. That probably not be cause for my hardship. The fuel to my sorrow is from those around me. Because we went to a birthing class and experienced our pregnancies together with other couples we also became friends with them. Well as Joshua's year is up and coming so are all our friends babies first year parties. I have received two invitations already. In the next four months we have seven friends who have babies who will be turning one.

SEVEN... Seven parties, Seven babies, Seven families who are happy, Seven reminders that I will not be spending time with my son on his first birthday. I know that it is going to hurt. These next four months being so filled with joy. I do not want people to be awkward around us. I do not want to be the only rain cloud on a sunny day. And yet I know that every party I attend my heart will be hurting. And there is no way around it. I cannot hide. I cannot run, I cannot ignore. I must live my life without fear. And unfortunately in this case it means that I must face my pain. Yuck. But there is a place inside me that is afraid. I am afraid of hurting. I am afraid to open my heart up. I know when the birthdays come my joy for my friends will not be fake. It will not be partial. But it will be bittersweet. That just is the reality of my life right now. It is not pretty. It cannot be fixed.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (Message)
"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become."


This seems to be where I am... I will constantly be handicapped. I will always have a broken place in my soul that Joshua will be.( maybe a better way to say that is: Joshua was given an eternal place in my heart the moment I found out I was pregnant.) He is my son. He cannot be erased. He cannot be avoided. And I will not try to do any of those things. I am not a prisoner of sorrow though I will feel it. I am not a prisoner of fear though it will threaten me. I will never be strong enough to deal with this on my own. I will always need God. Always. That thought scared and delights me at the same time. Because of my fierce desire for independence; always needing God is frustrating. But my misfitted soul is overjoyed knowing loneliness will never crush me.

Oh Lord,
I will need your strength. I need your hope, peace, love, and most of all: I need your grace. Have grace on Matthew and I over these next few months. Place a shield of protection around our marriage. We are your children and we ask that you protect us from the piercing attaches the enemy has already set out ahead of us. Be strong on our extra weak days. Be jealous on our lonely days. Be near us everyday. We trust you even though we see only darkness ahead. We trust your goodness. For you are worthy of all our praise because you sent your son to died that we may be free and live with hope. We love you. In JESUS name, Amen.

Watching

I am a spectator in a sport that I should be playing. I am sitting on my bench and cheering for my teammates who are out on the field. They come to take a break on the sidelines and I stand up so they can rest in my seat. I high five them when the game is over because they led the team to victory. Or I pat them on the back when they fought a good fight and lost... But I am always on the sidelines. Sometimes (if I am really lucky) I will get to catch the ball because it comes out of bounds. But I am not in the game. Only a spectator. The worst part about being benched is that win or loose... I am still invited, even encouraged to come to the next game. Where I will inevitably be sitting on the sidelines. Waiting, Wishing, Cheering on my teammates.

That I how I felt today at a dear little girls 3rd birthday. She is one of two children of friends of Matt and mine. There were many little children from age 7 and down. Two pregnant women. Dads and moms all laugh and chatting while watching their children pray and run to them and show a new toy. All the men on the couches and I sat in a chair. All the mothers took their little ones outside to look in the barn. I sat inside. While the all the guys talked sports. Stuck in between two worlds that I don't belong. I am not one of the guys. I am sure they found my presence to be somewhat annoying. And I do not belong with the mothers. Ya, sure... they would have been nice to me, tried to talk to me but they would be wanting to play/ explore/ watch their children. I was seriously out of place.

It is hard having friends who have children because we don't have any. We are always the single couple who doesn't quite fit in. Who are not running after a little one and telling him/her to listen or behave. We are not having our child interrupt our conversation just so he/she can give us a hug or show us something new they have learned. We are the ones who can stay up late and sleep in.

I am a spectator at a sport that I really want to play. I feel like I am ready to play. But have not been given a starting position. I wonder how long I will be on the sidelines. How long I will be watching. Yes I am young and most of our.friends are in their late 20's early 30's. But I still feel overlooked. Unnoticed talent. Or even worse; talent that has been recognized but not utilized


Dear God,
Even you had a son. You got to play and talk and love on him. I want a child. Please give me the patience that I need to wait on your plans for me. Please make Matt ready. Please give us the opportunity to play the game and not just have to watch it wishing for out of bounds balls to come our way. I need your healing and grace today, tomorrow, and forever. Please take care of me like you are taking care of my little man. I love you. I give you all I am and all my praise. Be glorified oh Lord. May your eyes smile with pride upon your little girl as she surrenders and leans into you. Bless us.In your son's name...Amen

Still a Mommy

I am still am mother. It is an interesting situation when I am asked if I have children. Sometimes I say yes. But most of the time I say "No, someday." Why... well most of the time people people don't want to hear or I feel like I am giving them bad news and I am reliving those first few days. They feel bad. They say sorry or try to say something positive. Then I either get more questions (which I don't mind at all), they change the subject, or they leave.

BUT the truth is I am a parent. My sweet little man is my pride and joy. I really wish, when people asked I could have the courage to say, "Why yes, I do have a child. His name is Joshua Alan. But he does not live with us right now. He has a much better home...Heaven.

I wonder what people would say to that.

I want.

I want to be a momma. I chatted with Matt about it yesterday while at Walmart... lol he is not ready yet. Maybe next year.

God, I want to be a good mother. It scares and excites me all at once. Please allow us the gift of a baby. God please allow us the provision to be able to support a child. Please give Matt a new job or purpose so that he can help support our family. And may your will be done with my job opportunities. In you we place our trust.

-Amen

the Strength of Women

I have recently been surrounded by many new and valued female friends. It has always been a prayer of mine that I would have lady friends that I could share life with. It is so sweet. The more that I spend time with them, the more I hear their life stories, the more I realize that.... Women Are Strong! But in order for me to see their strength I first had to be invited to see all the struggles and broken places. Which allowed me to come to a second conclusion... women face the most challenges. Yes men have struggles, they worry, they are stressed, and they deal with intense brokenness... so by saying that women are strong I am not saying men are not... what I am saying is that women are designed differently and my belief that God designed women with the power to accomplish so much more then they believe. But with that pre-destination comes huge opposition from the enemy. We are designed to change the people around us in such a positive way that our enemy of our flesh has a special vendetta against us. If we as women reach the success that we are designed for then satan will have no power or authority over our loved ones...and we have many of those.

I have met many women... women who did not have mothers, women who had mothers who hated them, women who had no father or a father that abused them, women who have been sexually/mentally/physically/emotionally abused, women who have had children and lost them, women who have had children and did not feel love for them, women who have had abortions,women who can't have children, women who have married someone who hurt them, women who have cheated on their husbands, women who have been cheated one.... and there is so much more examples of the struggles that women have to overcome.

Does this not make you wonder... Why women? Why women who are most beautiful when they are vulnerable and loving towards others? Spend a second and think about the most wonderful women that you know... describe her. What are her qualities? What does she do for you that make you love her?

I think of a few women all at once. These are a few of the qualities that those women have: joy, confidence, self-love, patience, love for others, sweet, thoughtful, mostly these women are themselves, they are vulnerable before others, and they love the people around them.

The woman you thought of... does she influence the people around her? Well if she has your attention then she is doing just that. Of course the enemy would attack the very people who are designed to change the world. Women are designed to do that.


And unfortunately the majority of women have suffered under the hand of the spirit-breaking enemy. He attacks their heart, their spirit, their self-value then leaves them broken and blinded. But women are strong...because even though the enemy is trying to ruin us... we have the power and strength to overcome even the most piercing darts of the enemy. I can think of a hundred of examples at this very moment. Examples of women who have surpassed these struggles...

Women are strong. God has given us the ability to be victors over the enemy of our soul.

How are you doing today my sweet one? Is today one of your weak days? Are you struggling with a mistake or a fear? Remember that you are strong. Seek the healer of your soul today. Allow him to lift your burden. This does not mean that your struggle is gone. But it does mean that even though you feel alone, you are not. God has put other women in your life to bring you the strength and compassion that he has waiting for you.

I wish you sweet success ladies. You are so Strong!

jealousy

I was gonna be a great mom... and Joshua would always know that I loved him. I saw a card today at the store that said ..."My three favorite words... That's My Son!" It took me a lot of work to not burst into tears standing in isle 7 at walmart. It's hard not to wallow in thoughts of "what if"... The hardest part: my sister and her son. nothing against her... but it causes me to painfully ache from my head to my heart...

God, you have plans for me, you have promised me so... will you please give me confidence, wisdom, trust, hope, freedom... I need so much. How can I give when I am bound by such heavy need.

still hurts

Time has passed. It hurts still. But it does not always hurt sometimes I feel happy, usually at work. At home I feel like matt and I are always at odds. Difference is all I see. I can no longer see our similarities all I see are differences. It is sadness. The enemy is attacking me greatly during this time, with thoughts that we are too different that we made a mistake. That I cannot do this, I don't want to work this hard. That I am still alone. that Matt does not love me. That he is interested in someone else more. These thoughts burden me deeply and cause me to be angry on the inside. There is so much power that the enemy can take when I don't surrender my all perfect, terrible, and lonely to God. And allow him to bring me healing and trust in his word to bring me truth.